Hello everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s Nutwatch is dedicated to birthday lady freemonkey (happy birthday, freemonkey!). This is actually quite ironic, since freemonkey is an artist, and the author of today’s featured website seems to have a fondness for art. Also music, so make sure you have your speakers on. And be prepared for a rather surreal aspect, right down to the title of the website, because this week’s Nutwatch passes unhurt through the valley of the shadow of obsession with

Abba Loves Us

Unfortunately, this does not refer to the Swedish pop group.

The first thing you see on clicking this link is a vast painting – I would call it Kinkade-like except I generally don’t stare at Thomas Kinkade’s work in repelled fascination. It features an old man who’s puckering up, as if to offer a kiss, while in the background, a lion’s head hovers and a seven-eyed sheep stands with a drugged expression. This is one of the most surreal religious pictures I’ve ever seen--barring the Photoshop thread, of course. Of course, I can’t say that the picture you see when you enter the bowels of the site is much better.

Once you enter the site, a line of letters runs around after your mouse pointer like a string of parasites; stay in one place long enough and they’ll spell out “Abba Father loves you”. Perhaps so, but if Carol gave a damn about you, she’d remove that annoying little feature. Carol, by the way, is the author of much of the site, and the genesis of strange little sayings like

ABBA LOVES US

WE ARE ABBA'S DELIGHT

The rampant theophilia on this site makes me feel as though I’m a voyeur. Seriously.

"Abba" is the word spoken by infants, and is a token for complete unreasoning "trust";

Were the infants in Masterminds or is this more of a Look who’s talking thing?

where Father shows the intelligent knowledge of the relationship. Putting these two words together expresses the love and intelligent confidence of the child.

So when do we finally get to grow up and progress beyond a childish outlook?

Carol?

I’m waiting…

Though the message sounds less and less like Good News, in one of Carol’s articles, we are exhorted to be dead. By the way, on this page, the trailing banner forms the words “Sweet Holy Spirit”. Sweet Fanny Adams, is what I had in mind after I read it.

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set as nougat,

“Purposely set as nougat”? Is there some Mafia hit squad that candifies its victims?

and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy,

Because you’re a masochist?

being counted worthy to suffer for Christ, THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

That is having so much cognitive dissonance that you might as well be dead.

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice diregarded, your opinions ridiculed,

As many atheists are treated today.

and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence, THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

Only in the looking-glass world of Christianity could this form of suicide be praised as a glorious pursuit.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation,

Heck, why have conversations to begin with? Just shut yourself up in a little cell and pray all day.

or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown, THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

What is this, some peculiar form of autophobia? I’m amazed that the author actually put up a website that has her name plastered on each article. Perhaps she should take her own advice and try to be a bit more unknown.

Are you dead yet?

No, but if I still thought like that, I would want to be.

Since this is a site that subtly glorifies abuse, as long as there’s some christianity smoothed over the bruises, we are told that while abuse is a terrible thing, there is one sure answer for any form of trauma.

It doesn’t matter how we manifest this abuse, the Lord will heal us and make us new if we will trust Him and follow Him completely.

Replacing the self-destruction of abuse with the self-destruction of Christianity.

We must remember that even this can and will work out for His glory if we will allow Him to do a work in us.

We must remember that we are but empty eggshells, unworthy of anything good, and the most we should ever do is pile glory on a god who never seems to have enough.

He loves us so much, nothing is too big for our Lord.

Whatever his taste in strap-ons, I’d rather not know about it. I’m more concerned with the near-hysterical insistence that self-respect is unnecessary when one is happily drugged with the opiate of the masses.

I didn't need to build my self esteem - I needed to grab this truth!!!!

That being much easier than working on one’s self-esteem, or lack thereof.

All the abuse in the world will not hinder what the LORD wants to do through us.

What a shame the LORD had to let all that abuse happen first, but then again…

Serving Him is wonderful and I can say in all honesty, that I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life.

….He knew she wouldn’t hold that against Him.

I have seen the glory of God working through me as well as other survivors of abuse and it thrills me.

Let’s pass from this Story of O scenario to a heartfelt prayer for all married people.

I bind and rebuke every spirit of rebellion, lust, adultry, perversion, divorce, mayhem, drug abuse, every spirit that is coming against marriages

Why stop there? The spirits of children, inlaws and taxes haven’t even been mentioned.

I bind and order it to get off these families now in the name of Jesus. Father hover over the marriages keeping them safe.

I assume the divorce rate has reached an all-time low, and the war on drugs is won already?

Put a new fire in each heart for more of your words and more of you; covering each of us in your precious Blood…

Hell may be a lake of fire, but heaven sounds more like a lake of blood. I can’t see this scenario appealing to anyone except vampires.

We give you all the glory and honor. We adore you. Father so many of us would be divorced today if you hadn't stepped in.

God : Contemplate divorce, and I shall smite thee from the face of the earth, yea verily, and I shall cast plagues upon thine seed! Only think of rending asunder what I want to stay together, and thou shall be cast into the burning fires of hell!

People : We’re staying together! We’re staying together!

God : And it’s good that you’re choosing to stay married.

People : Oh – oh yes, Lord! It’s a very good thing.

Without you life wouldn't be worth living… You are Jehovah Shalom the Lord our Peace, we love you abba, I love you so much, you are wonderful.

This is like reading a high school girl’s diary about her crush on the captain of the football team. But luckily we pass from it to an actual divine declaration, which was supposedly

revealed to Carol Hallowell by the Holy Spirit

Straight from the horse’s ass, so to speak. Hopefully the Holy Spirit isn’t the source of the following rumor.

I've heard it said that when a saved person goes into sin, the Lord would kill his body and take him home to heaven.

Isn’t that a nice story? Rather than allow people’s free will to lead them into hell, God could murder them and take them to heaven. I’m amazed that little children everywhere aren’t taught this heart-warming tale to illustrate how God is always watching out for us.

He is coming soon for His blood washed church, and the clock is ticking.

The blood probably isn’t all His own. However, just to illustrate that time really is running out, we segue to a prophecy, a divine revelation of the end times.

This is one of the prophetic visitations I've had from the Lord concerning this... He is coming soon and we need to take this very seriously... About 20 yrs ago, while praying I saw:

Twenty years ago is “soon”? Oh, I forgot; we’re on the other side of the mirror now, and up is down.

A beach, with people in swimming suits, laughing and playing in the surf with balls.

Right away you understand that these are sinners who are concerned with the things of this world. Wearing swimsuits, instead of concealing sack dresses; laughing and playing, instead of reading the bible.

All of a sudden, the water became solid and it shimmered like glitter. The people froze, like statues, and in the horizon was a little old man with a huge staff [no hook]

Gandalf! Beyond all hope you return to us in our need!

Actually, that “huge staff” seems somewhat Freudian to me, now that I think about it.

dressed like the Old Testament prophet’s.

The Old Testament prophet’s what? Wife? Kid? Ass?

He walked toward the beach, and when he reached it, he looked at me and pointed up saying, "Don't be discouraged, He is coming soon!" with that he turned around and walked back to the horizon.

“You bore me, so I’m off again.”

I see the swimming and laughing as the times of Noah. There is no concern for the truths of the Word of God.

Why the little old god didn’t smite them all is anyone’s guess.

The people may come against us as one solid mass yet the Lord has only to speak a word and we'll be walking over them unharmed.

The people may be just enjoying their day at the beach, but every fanatic needs something to fight – and the assurance that victory is certain.

As we, stand-alone against the roaring lions they will be silenced as the Lord wills. Not to say we won't be harmed, we may be but He is in control not them!

Sheesh, I’d hate to see what these poor christians believe will happen to them when He isn’t in control.

We may see a lot of bad times first, but the time of His taking us Home is any time now. Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus.

Yes, please get this monstrosity over with. After 2000 years, there’s nothing premature about the coming.

Jesus, by the way, gets his own little tribute in the chamber of horrors that is Abba Loves Us.

Jesus was part man and part God while He was here on Earth. He is called the first-fruit;

The first gay guy?

meaning the first to ascend from death to go to the Father. This still does not make him man!

How many roads must a Jesus walk down?

We are not equal to Jesus and never will be!

This is no doubt a great disappointment to anyone whose primary goal was to be equal to a mythical person. Everyone else simply goes about their own lives.

The first sin was man trying to be equal with God and we are still doing it!

And succeeding, hence the hysteria from the religious reich.

This is a move of satan to destroy the church!

No, this is people taking control of their lives and having some self-respect and… wait, I guess that’s what passes for evil in this fantasy world. It’s certainly a lot more palatable than the good, however, because unbridled theophilic passion permeates the Abba Loves Us website in the form of prayers.

I adore you. Abba hold us all close to your bosom. in the name of Jesus amen.

I’m not even sure Jesus should be around while his dad is getting it on so blatantly. Won’t someone please think of the children? At least before making declarations like this one.

I'm asking you to anoint this page using it to open closed sleepy eyes, open ears not listening to Your voice.

With pliers, if necessary.

Abba I speak life to all who see this site and read these words. give life to the dry bones...

So… has anyone reading this been raised from the dead? I’d really like a show of hands.

Put a fire in each breast to dig into Your word, searching for the meat... I bind the enemy holding our loved ones captive. you will loose them now in Jesus name!

<An expectant hush falls… and falls… and falls…>

“Uh… they’re loosed! They just don’t know it yet!”

<Whew.>

Move freely across this country and all countries Lord, making Your spirit heard.

Why god needs permission from Carol to do this is anyone’s guess.

Abba… touch those in the office of pastors and shepherds,

Goose ‘em, Abba!

if they won't line up with You, then remove them and refill the post with men and women of Your choosing. Line us up Father in one accord, to march as one body under Your direction.

Ein... zwei... drei... Achtung!

Thank you Elohim, we love you and give you all the praise and glory. Thank You Lord fill and refill each of your children in Your Holy Spirit. Covering us all in the precious Blood of Jesus. You are wonderful.

Aside from a mild nausea at the idea of being splattered with blood, the only change that occurred when I finished reading this page was that I got a headache from the glittery stars and the rippling water. Browsing through this extremely strange site was like watching a grown woman set up a dolls’ tea party and talk to her imaginary friends. And the constant and near-obsessive references to love and adoration were far more creepy than inspiring. Let alone spend eternity with Carol, I wouldn’t want to be trapped in a stalled elevator with her.

(Oh, and I didn't like the art much either. What about you, freemonkey? )

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords