Hallelujah everyone, and welcome to this blessed Sunday’s Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your humble host, QueenofSwords, put here by the will of God to--
I’m sorry; let me take a minute to compose myself. After reading today’s featured site, I was in the mood for some of that old-time religion, with the evangelizin’ and the wrathaGawd exterior hiding the real nature of the beast. Because today’s Nutwatch takes on
Remember the Alamo? Well, the IRS does, after it mercilessly persecuted – I mean prosecuted – Tony Alamo’s church for selling glitzy designer jackets while claiming tax-exempt status. This was after he was accused of child abuse : the beating of an 11-year-old. He eventually ended up in jail and is now out on parole, presumably still running what was described as “a cult in the truest sense” – people in his church lived in a compound and were unpaid for the work that they did. But it’s payback time right now, Mr. Alamo. Let’s start with the humility and self-effacement of the man who calls himself
Tony Alamo, World Pastor
If there’s ever a Mars colony, will he be “Solar System Pastor”?
Holy Alamo Christian Church
“Jackets Sold Here”.
So how did Tony Alamo, former manager to musicians, get to this point of Liz Claiborne-like Christian glory? Well, he was about to sign a big record deal, when
God started playing with my soul like a yo-yo. He would pull it half out of me, and then put it back.
Then he did a loop-the-loop and shouted, “Twirl King Champions!”
My heart was palpitating so hard it felt as if it was going to jump out of my body
Through my nose, like an ancient Egyptian being mummified.
and suddenly a revelation came to me, so real I was astounded that I had not always known it. I knew there was a heaven and a hell!
I knew where I had left my car keys!
I knew where the lost socks went!
I knew the last decimal place of pi!
I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those special brownies.
I started screaming to the top of my lungs, "No, God, No! Please don’t kill me… I’ll tell them!"
The top of my lungs replied, “Uh, God’s not here. Have you checked the spleen?”
The breath went back into my body and my heart stopped jumping.
Tony played coy and was hesitant to proclaim the Good News to a bunch of attorneys and motion picture people who had gathered to make a deal with his client. But he reckoned without God, who was now conditioned, like one of B. F. Skinner’s pigeons, about which button to press.
Again he started pulling the soul out of me. My heart was jumping out of my body.
One of the attorneys kept catching it and throwing it back in.
I was gasping for breath. "No, God, no…please," I began screaming, "I’ll do it, I’ll do it. I’ll tell them." Again my breath went back in my body, my heart stopped thumping.
Causing the majority of brain cells to die, with the results that you see today.
"I know you won’t believe me," I said, "But God is telling me to tell you that Jesus Christ is coming back to earth." Now, I said to myself, I said it. Oops, again my soul started going in and out, again, gasping for breath. "What’s the matter God? I said it, I told them."
“I know. I just like doing this. Boing, it goes out. Whoosh, it goes in. Boing! Whoosh! Boing! Whoosh!”
Suddenly every promotion I had ever done in my life was laid out before me in block form. The enthusiasm I had built and sold a star or a product with. And the Lord said, "NOW THAT YOU KNOW I AM HERE, IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO FOR ME?"
Ohhhh, God just needed a manager. Like any up-and-coming young artist, he just needed someone who could get him deals with the big names.
"Repent," I screamed. "Jesus is coming!"
After all this pulling-out and pushing-in, I’m not surprised.
I commanded everyone in the room to get down on their knees
Jesus wanted to come again, and again, and again...
and repent immediately, that Jesus was coming. I thought that if I did not do a good job, they would all disintegrate before my eyes
Actually, they were all wishing that they could disintegrate.
and I would disintegrate for not doing a good enough job.
They wished that, too, but they didn’t think they’d be so lucky.
The vacuum around me began to lift and my hearing was returning, and the Lord said, "THAT’S ENOUGH."
“FOR NOW. WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU TOO?”
Romance later blossomed for Tony. Oddly enough, neither he nor his partner felt the need to actually talk to each other about their feelings.
Susie was fasting and praying for God to send a great revival. I started fasting and praying even harder for God to give me Susie
God tried a bit of fasting and praying Himself, but He didn’t really like it.
and God spoke to Susie’s heart in a very supernatural way,
It jumped in and out of her body. Ping pong!
and she became my wife.
And also my roommate in the Eating Disorders ward.
Susie began to pray for me to go broke and I began to lose everything I had.
Seriously, does this sound like the kind of thing a Christian wife should do? Forget rational, but even under the bibilical rules it doesn’t sound kosher.
Every time I mentioned that I was going broke, she said, "Praise the Lord." Finally I figured it out. She was praying for me to go broke!
I get the impression that neither of them is overburdened in the brains department.
This kind of experience obviously does not enlighten anyone, let alone Pastor Alamo, about the wonderful relationship that a marriage can be, so in Holy Matrimony, we get the following delightful metaphor :
The Word of God says the woman is her husband’s land, his private property. She is a garden where life grows; her husband is the sower of the seed of life (his seed only). He sows his own private garden. The husband expects his garden, his wife, to be fertile, so he may harvest a good crop from her.
I hope he fertilizes her regularly. He must need large quantities of shit to do that, but in Pastor Alamo’s case, that’s no problem.
A woman’s monthly period is her bloody reminder that Christ died in pain because of a woman.
Judas was a chick in men’s robes? That explains the kiss, I guess.
Unfortunately for us evil women, we can only be saved if we “use our bodies to bring life into the world”. And by this, Pastor Alamo does not mean working in a fertility clinic or God forbid, creating new strains of tomato or Bacillus thuringiensis! No sir! He means birthin’ as many children as your ovaries can produce and your uterus can carry; then you can have a wonderful burial at forty or so, surrounded by a large crowd of small children.
This type of unsaved couple doesn’t like children and doesn’t want them. The deformities and death in the children of such marriages are caused by the obvious sins of the parents.
You’d think places like China and India would be severely underpopulated by now.
The parents blame God. You can hear them say, "If God is God, and if God is love, then why did He allow this to happen to us and our baby?" The birth-control pill and other birth-control devices, including drugs, bring the curses of God upon the fruit of our bodies and upon the sinful parents. God gives parents more than adequate, fair warning that curses would be the result.
Pastor Alamo clearly makes his god in his own image and likeness – and what a pathetic, vindictive little god it is. Right down to the tendency to pick on children; perhaps larger targets are too frightening.
Of course, every time I think Pastor Alamo cannot produce a more silly, bullying, ridiculous caricature of a god, he proves me wrong. In We Are Being Watched (not only that, bud, you’re being laughed at), he yells
GOD MOCKS UNREPENTANT SINNERS
And plays yo-yo with them!
They... will find themselves standing before the judgment bar, the great white throne of God crying, "Please, God!" and find God parroting them, "Please, God," in a mocking voice. Then they will say, "Oh no, God!" and God will say to them mockingly, "Oh no, God." They will say, "I will repent, God," and He will mockingly say to them, "I will repent, God!"
Then they will say, “I am a moron”, and God will either have to stop playing his parrot game or confess to moronicity.
Considering this god, I think the latter is more likely.
All this they will say, and all this God will mock back to them.
He’s a really bored god. I wonder what he does to people who are too old for playground games?
Oh, I forgot. The Alamo Ministry is all about picking on children.
Sometimes the person who is under sodium pentothal will start speaking in another language, or will speak of some place they have been, even though they have never been there before. These are the voices of demon spirits which inhabit the body of the one being tested.
Sample demon speech : “And then I was in Paris last summer – darling, it was too fabulous! I saw the Arc de Triomphe, the Tour Eiffel, and all that gorgeous food! I swear, I must have put on at least five devilish little pounds!”
Defenseless babies are also prey to these evil spirits.
Better the demons than Pastor Alamo, I think.
This is why some of them, after they reach adulthood, believe they were homosexuals from the time of birth or from a young age.
So some demons must be straight ones, because they make people think they’re heterosexual. If you get one of each type of demon, you’re bi. Hey, this actually makes sense. Could there be the faintest light at the end of Pastor Alamo’s tunnel?
If you've always had a tendency to want to murder people, this is because the demons that were in the body of a murderer who died have entered you.
If you’ve always had a tendency to design fancy jackets, does this mean that the demons in the body of some fancy designer entered you?
Reincarnation and evolution are not mere concoctions of man. They are theories planted firmly in the minds of wicked men by Satan himself.
I began to type, ‘What about wicked women?’ before I realized that to this manaGawd, we don’t have minds.
Pastor Alamo has, though, and he applies his superb intellect to find
THE ONLY SOLUTION TO TERRORISM
Which boils down to a spineless groveling before the Greatest Terrorist of All Time.
God says He is a terrorist, and I believe Him. He said He would send earthquakes, famines, floods, pestilence (all incurable diseases), and a host of other curses upon the people of the world
And why does he do all this? What is his great, high-minded motive?
He will enjoy seeing the disobedient, wicked, unrepentant sinners of the world squirm
Of course, Pastor Alamo’s no slouch himself. He preaches to us all for one very good reason :
I am telling you these godly words because I do not want the blood of your souls on my soul when I stand before God Almighty and His Son. According to the words that God spoke to Ezekiel, the blood of your souls is now off my hands. (Ezek. 18:9)
Ah... feel the love!
Thousands of wicked, secular judges shall stand before God Almighty… God will then begin laughing at them and mocking these evil wizards.
Pastor Almo is more to be pitied than blamed for his near-psychotic ministry, however. If his own words are to be believed, he is a deeply frightened and insecure person.
God terrorized me with so much fear in just a few moments of time that I've never forgotten it... The fear and terror of the Lord is what propels me to do everything... Before I met the living God in Jesus, I was a tough guy, a person who would never let anyone stand in my way of worldly success. I became a very tiny, frightful molecule of a being.
Buddy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords