Hello everyone, and welcome to another look into the wild world of Nuts-R-Us! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s column is dedicated to all the good folks who help me out with crossword puzzles on Thursday nights. You know who you are. And this Nut has a few cross words of its own for practically everyone – babies, children, parents, liberals, death penalty opponents; up to and including Santa Claus, we’re all damned, DAMNED, they yell at us, because this week’s Nutwatch does a 404 on
The purpose of this Web site is to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ and magnify the words of God.
The better to see the contradictions thereof – rather like examining a supposed diamond and finding it to be a cubic zirconium.
We seek to maintain a vast storehouse of sound, Bible-believing, information for those seeking the truth, the newly saved, and those who have been instructed in the word of God.
All unbelievers fit into the third category; that’s why they’re unbelievers. And I would much rather be an atheist than be anything like Pastor Art Kohl, author of the enlightening article
So many today have been successful at raising brats. Here's some of the finest advice you'll ever receive on how to raise a brat:
Well, Mrs. Kohl ought to know. Even though a few of the points the article makes are legitimate, the overall snide tone permeates the whole like arsenic in a blancmange, and Pastor Kohl stirs in a few live hand-grenades with advice like
1. WHEN A BABY, DON'T LET HIM CRY IN BED
He’s as grammatical as he is loving.
Do not allow YOUR baby to suffer any hardships, especially in infancy.
True Christians recognize infancy as the best time for THEIR babies to face the responsibilities of both employment and managing a household.
Run to his aid as soon as he cries.
What would Jesus do? Allow baby to scream himself to sleep, of course. And maybe that will teach baby to change his own diapers for once.
He'll soon know how to control you, rather than you controlling him. This way, they'll expect to be pampered all of their lives.
The parent-child relationship, in Kohlworld, is one of oppressor and oppressed; if you aren’t one, you’re the other, and the good pastor prefers being the oppressor.
2. LET HIM SAY "NO"… Sure, it's rebellion verbalized, but he should be allowed to have a mind of his own.
As opposed to using someone else’s or better yet, simply surrendering his will to the great hive mind of True Christianity. A Stepford child always says “yes”, even if the request comes from a stranger who claims to have candy in his car.
4. NEVER SPANK THEM When the senior citizens today speak of spanking as being "the way we used to do it," remember, grandma and grandpa were "child abusers." Don't ever discipline your child.
Forget grandma and grandpa, the pastor’s leading the pack here. Doesn’t he even think that there might be some way to discipline a child other than turning its bottom as red as an ovulating baboon’s?
6. CRITICIZE LEADERS AND PREACHERS You can't trust them. Tear down authority in front of them… They will not learn to properly fear anyone and will probably lose their jobs when the boss asks them to do something.
Like giving him a quickie on his desk, something any True Christian would do, thanks to a proper fear of everyone. After all, when Jesus said “turn the other cheek”, he didn’t specify which cheeks they were. Still, this enlightened view of children isn’t by any means unique to Pastor Kohl; a hundred years ago, men of God felt the same way, and John Charles Ryle takes up the cudgels against children in the article
Remember children are born with a decided bias towards evil, and therefore if you let them choose for themselves, they are certain to choose wrong.
OK, they’re children. What’s your excuse?
The mother cannot tell what her tender infant may grow up to be, tall or short, weak or strong, wise or foolish he may be any of these things or not, it is all uncertain. But one thing the mother can say with certainty: he will have a corrupt and sinful heart.
You remember when Jesus said, “suffer the children to come unto me”? Well, the brave soul was almost retching at their nearness, physically sick from their corruption. That’s what He meant by “suffer”.
I only beg to enter my decided protest against the modern notion that no child ought ever to be whipped. Doubtless some parents use bodily correction far too much, and far too violently; but many others, I fear, use it far too little.
And still others, alas, fail to use it at all. Alackaday! Your child is as cream – whip him!
Fear not to withhold from your child anything you think will do him harm, whatever his own wishes may be. This is God's plan.
Infect your child with tetanus, make him fast for forty days or leave him by the side of the highway. God’s plan is to torture your child, one way or another, because didn’t you hear that your child was corrupt to the core?
It is painful to see how much corruption and evil there is in a young child's heart, and how soon it begins to bear fruit.
Evil fruit, like figs. God hates figs, don’t you know.
Violent tempers, self-will, pride, envy, sullenness, passion, idleness, selfishness, deceit, cunning, falsehood, hypocrisy, a terrible aptness to learn what is bad, a painful slowness to learn what is good, a readiness to pretend anything in order to gain their own ends, all these things, or some of them, you must be prepared to see, even in your own flesh and blood.
Or any foster children who might be fortunate enough to end up with you. Just remember, it’s only children who exhibit these vices, not good Christian men. Don’t confuse the two.
You must not think it a strange and unusual thing, that little hearts can be so full of sin. It is the only portion which our father Adam left us…
So much for being created in the image and likeness of god. Unless they’re trying to tell us something about god here?
Never listen to those who tell you your children are good, and well brought up, and can be trusted.
Instead beat your children severely for deceiving these people. Ah, the satanic falseness of children, that they appear good and sweet and yet are vile beneath that surface!
Parents are seldom too cautious. Remember the natural depravity of your children, and take care.
Take care never to produce these spawns of Satan; if thy genitalia leadeth thou into the creation of pure evil, loppeth them off. But just in case it’s too late for you, if you have been so unfortunate as to be cursed with a child, James Melton provides an informative article – not about parental abuse by babies, surprisingly, but about
Did you know that there is a type of child abuse in our society which is far worse than physical, sexual, or emotional abuse? It's true! Millions of innocent children are being abused every day BY THEIR OWN PARENTS!
“Innocent”? But I was told that children were naturally evil and corrupt BY YOUR OWN WEBSITE!
Friend, you can provide your children with every carnal necessity under the sun, but if you are not providing for their spiritual needs, then you are committing child abuse of the worse kind: SPIRITUAL CHILD ABUSE!
And your child will grow up to be a SPIRITUAL CRIMINAL who robs SPIRITUAL BANKS!
Parent, what are you doing to keep your children from spending eternity in a burning Hell?
You could make Hell freeze over.
Parent, are you training up your children in the ways of God, or are you letting them gradually wonder into the arms of Satan?
Will you become the parent that God wants you to be for your children?
I suggest an alternative recruiting slogan for Biblebelievers.com : Beat all that you can beat! The more violence in the world, the better – as long as it’s against children and criminals, though I repeat myself. But on the topic of criminals, Mr. Melton returns to report God’s views on the death penalty. You will be unsurprised to hear that He is all for it, and in fact needs it in order to bless us, according to the article
Man didn't invent the death penalty, so man has no right to abandon it.
Man didn’t invent smallpox either, so bring the virus back!
We live in an age when everyone is far too concerned with "human rights", and God has been practically ignored, as if He had no rights at all.
He’s got the right to remain silent, and I extend that right to every person who claims to speak for him.
…it is His right to do as He pleases with His own creation… God has given man the MORAL DUTY to execute those who choose to take the lives of others… Do you wish to honor God? Then you must support the death penalty, because God commands it.
Now all we need God to do is to put a little “mark of Cain” on the forehead of every guilty person – and spare the armed forces, please, they know not what they do. Plus, we need them for the holy war against the evil Muslims.
A sword is used for one thing: KILLING!
It can also be used to cut a neat Q on the shirt of one’s vanquished opponent.
Killers are to be killed, and God's will has not been fulfilled until our governing bodies have executed wrath upon those who have killed others.
Then the people who have killed the killers should be killed, and the people who have killed the people who have killed the killers should be killed, and finally there’ll be a planet of corpses, and God will look down upon it and see that it was good.
Did you know that God has actually promised to BLESS us if we follow His plan of using the death penalty?…
He promised to BLESS us with a new science called “DNA testing”, but something went horribly, horribly wrong.
God WANTS things to go well with us! God WANTS to bless our nation, but He can't do it with killers running loose or with them sitting in prison receiving free meals, free housing, free clothing, a free education, and free legal counselling!
In the past people gained God’s blessing through burnt offerings; today, we could do the same thing via electric chair.
That's insane! That's wicked! I cannot honestly ask God to bless America while we allow such wickedness to prevail. He will not do it!
Oh, stop the hysterics and just twist his arm a little. Remember, Junior, if you stand up to a bully, he always runs away.
I personally think we need TELEVISED executions every night at 8:00 p.m. on national television… I bet that would deter some crime! You say, "Man, you're crazy!" Am I? Did you ever read how God commanded the Israelites to execute people? It was a PUBLIC STONING? Is God crazy too?
No, but his pantywaist pacifist son is. All that “love your enemies” nonsense. Just think of how much peace on earth and goodwill to men there would be if we only had shows such as World’s Wildest Executions, America’s Most Slaughtered and CORPSES.
In God's word, environmental pollution is associated with SIN, not carbon monoxide and lead poisoning. The best way to clean up America is JUSTICE… If that happens, maybe more people will repent of their sins and receive Jesus Christ as their Saviour. Nothing could help our environment more.
Well, that’s a new one on me – becoming a Christian is good for the environment. Presumably in a world full of fundies, carbon monoxide is as pure oxygen and people gobble lead like chocolate. Still, the author’s concern for the planet is also reflected in his desire to see it as populated as possible, since his next article takes on the evil of
At two weeks pregnancy, the "fetus" can move alone.
That’s one active blastocyst. It must be bouncing all over the uterus like a game of Dodgeball.
Proverbs 6:16-17 says that God HATES those who shed innocent blood!… Who could possibly be more innocent than an unborn baby?!
And what could possibly be more evil than a born baby, according to the same website?! But there’s as much consistency in Biblebelievers.com as there is in the bible itself; in the same article, we are told that
Abortion is… an attempt to make a liar out of God by bringing an end to His work. However, Jesus said you can destroy a person's BODY, but not their SOUL (Mat. 10:28). Parent, if you've had an abortion, your aborted child is in Heaven right now, because you only destroyed the body!
All the more reason to have an abortion, though how the sinful and corrupt heart of a child allows it to get into Heaven is never explained. However, if you cannot bring an end to God’s work, you can still bring an end to his plan.
If God allows a child to be conceived, then God obviously has a plan for that child…to abort an unborn child is to stop a plan of God.
So, one way or another, God gets the short end of the stick. Not only is his plan screwed, he’s now got an evil soul in heaven. Abortion is therefore wrong because the parent doesn’t want to take the responsibility of bearing the child and beating it up here on earth, therefore they shuffle that great duty off on god.
It is NATURAL to conceive a child, grow to love that child, take care of the child during pregnancy, give birth to the child, and then raise the child with the best care possible… It is NOT natural to kill the child!
It is, however, QUITE natural to deliberately neglect a child and to whip it. And if you’re god, kill away!
Every time a woman has an abortion she helps society to become more comfortable with it. She's advertising it! By her example, she's encouraging others to commit the same sin, and other sins as well.
Which advertising agency does she use, and do they also provide full-page ads for people who dare to masturbate?
Abortion Shows A Lack of Faith… A desperate woman says, "I can't afford to have a child. I'm not ready for this." Lady… you need to STOP trying to run your own life for a change and START trusting God. You don't need an abortion, for such will only INCREASE your troubles.
The author doesn’t go into details about how a woman’s troubles INCREASE. Presumably something has to be fruitful and multiply, and if it isn’t the woman, it will be her troubles. That’s what she deserves for trying to run her own life; the only life she should be running is that of her corrupt child. But rest assured that such sinful conditions are a phenomenon of today’s society. Two hundred years ago, things were very different, and James Melton waxes nostalgic about the days gone by in the article
TODAY, drinking has become more "respectable" in our society… LIQUOR IS STILL THE SAME BLOODY KILLER IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN
So if liquor is a killer, in order to curry God’s favor, we have to kill liquor. I had a vision of the good folks of Biblebelievers decked out like the savages in Lord of the Flies, yelling, “Kill the beer!”
Drinking is MORALLY WRONG, and two hundred years ago the average American knew it as well as he knew his own name. What happened?
They read the part about Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding feast?
God doesn't change (Malachi 3:6); so SIN IS STILL SIN. Sex is for married people (Heb. 13:4), long hair is for women (I Cor. 11:14-15),
And Samson (Judges 13:5). Maybe he was actually a woman, and that was why Delilah was constantly pissed at him?
wine is for sick people (I Tim. 5:23),
Poor Jesus! As well as being crucified and all, he was sick as a dog too, and the brave soul never told anyone except Mr. Melton. I do hope he (Jesus, not Mr. Melton) hadn’t contracted some sexually transmitted disease.
smoking is for people in Hell (Rev. 14:11)
At least Biblebelievers are honest about where they are, and what they do in order to produce such entertaining articles.
The rock music industry is destroying the minds of our youth, while parents "innocently" stand aside, refusing to do anything about it. Parents, WILD AND CRAZY MUSIC WILL PRODUCE WILD AND CRAZY PEOPLE!
Mr. Meltdown – I mean Melton – must have listened to a lot of this satanic stuff in his time, so it was a relief to pass from his delirium tremens ravings to a fairytale story in a more scholarly tone. Granted, this was written a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), but it’s still fascinating to read of how
He was tall, stalwart of frame, intelligent, and would have been fine looking but for a cloud that seemed to abide upon his countenance.
"It all began," he said, "when an accident befell my coach as I was traveling through bucolic Transylvania one night…"
In fact, his face seemed scarred and furrowed, as though
he had had some really killer acne.
his life had been a battle with sin and care, and be had been terribly worsted in the contest. “Well, Sir," said he, “I suppose you would consider my case a desperate one. I am a follower of Robert Ingersoll.
“Many times has he said to me, ‘let me alone, I do not wish to be followed to my home, I grow weary of your attempts to look through my windows’.”
I am an unbeliever, a disbeliever, an infidel…
I don't believe anything, and am perfectly wretched… so wretched I cannot study nor sit still.”
“Instead I pace my lodgings as though ants resided within my breeches.”
“I would have you read nothing but the Bible. You have been reading too much; that is partly what is the matter with you. You are full of the misleading, plausible sophistries of the skeptics.”
“Now be full of the misleading, implausible sophistries of the fundamentalists! Abracadabra!”
After kneeling in prayer together, this Ingersollite left me. Two weeks later… this same man came towards me, with both hands extended and his face beaming. “I have found God and Christ, and I am a happy man!”
“I returned them to their anxious owners and collected a hundred-dollar reward! Let me now buy you a flagon of ale to celebrate my windfall!” The oddest part of the whole story is the idea that wretchedness is a quality associated with skepticism, rather than fundamentalism, because as usual this contradicts another article on the same website, the appropriately titled
You may not what? Think? Reason? Question? Enjoy life?
If God has called you to be really like Christ in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility and put on you such demands of obedience… Others will be allowed to succeed in making money, but it is likely God will keep you poor because he wants you to have something far better than gold, and that is a helpless dependence on Him…
Sort of like a leech, continually fastened on Him and suckling away. An eternal embryo, so to speak.
God will let others be great, but He will keep you small.
And stunted, like a bonsai kitten.
He will let others get the credit for the work you have done, and this will make your reward ten times greater when He comes.
This must be why the article is by “Author Unknown”. On the other hand, if I had written this kind of dehumanizing crap, I’d want to stay anonymous too.
The Holy Spirit will put strict watch over you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings, or for wasting your time, which other Christians never seem distressed over.
The Holy Spirit sounds like an abusive partner. What is this, Sleeping with the Deity?
So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign, and has a right to do what He pleases with His own, and He will not explain to you a thousand things which may puzzle you in His dealing with you. He will wrap you up in a jealous love…
You will be the Christian version of the Egyptian mummy, along with the brain and heart extraction.
Settle it forever, that you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, and that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue, or chaining your hand, or closing your eyes, in ways that others are not dealt with.
This sounds like some kind of bondage deal. Does the Holy Spirit also have the privilege of spanking your bottom?
Now, when you are so possessed with the Living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this particular personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven.
More like the basement of heaven, otherwise known as hell. And speaking of basements, the Biblebelivers have their own denizen of the depths, who penned the hilariously paranoid article
You ever noticed how easy it is to transform "Satan" from "Santa"? Just move the "n" to the end. And presto! "Satan" appears. . . Hmmm….
And if you add an “ic”, you can use up all your letter-tiles and get an extra fifty points! Scrabble is fun.
The rearranging of letters (called anagrams) to hide secret names or words has long been practiced in the occult. Is "Claus" another anagram for "Lucas"?
Could “Luke” be the short form of “Lucas”? Well, there you go – the evil’s crept into the New Testament as well.
It’s no secret "Lucas" and "Lucis" is a new-age "code word" for "Lucifer".
And here I was thinking that “Lucis” is a new-age “code word” for “Lucy”, the hellish creation of anthropologists.
Claus sounds a lot like "claws". Maybe "Santa Claus" means "Satan's Claws"?
Let’s look at the symbolism of the reindeer next. They have cloven feet, just as the devil does, and one of them has a nose that’s red like the burning fires of hell! And what do they pull? A sleigh – or maybe, just maybe, a “slay”!
It’s no secret that Thor is also Satan.
Heck, who isn’t Satan these days? Maybe Jesus, but I’m doubtful about that – considering that Biblebelievers.com worships the foaming-at-the-mouth wargod of the Old Testament. Heaven on earth will come about when children and criminals get what they deserve, while liquor, television and evolution are banished to the hellish depths from whence they came. And in that Republic of Gilead, there will be nothing for the Biblebelievers to hate and denounce – which will put them through the torments of hell.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords