Hi everyone, hope you’re enjoying your Sunday, and welcome to an all-new pile of hot, steaming nut! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and as some of you know, I like plays – both reading them and writing them. Well, the focus of this week’s Nutwatch is something of a (melo)dramatist too. He is the Jack Chick of the medium, and perhaps even more lunatic, intolerant and unoriginal; ladies and gentlemen, let the curtains rise and let the first act begin, because this week’s Nutwatch draws a bead on
As my mother would say, “You get what you pay for.”
I'm Bob Snook.
Jack Chick, Jed Smock and now Bob Snook. Do they all get together beforehand and agree on their names?
My home church is Saddleback Church, America's second largest protestant church and the largest baptist church. I did almost nothing with my writing talent
A fount of glowing inspiration that is second only to that of Shakespeare, Shaw or Ibsen, as we shall shortly see.
until I became a Christian 15 years ago. (short testimony) For the last six years I have worked as a security guard on the graveyard shift. This allows me to write Christian scripts and web pages 7 1/2 hours per day and get paid for it.
Right away you can tell that Mr. Snook appears to be a trifle confused.
That's why my scripts are free.
Although, were he not a good Christian, they would no doubt be priced as highly as chewing gum, or perhaps tap water. Let’s take a look at a few of his hundreds of scripts, beginning with the story of a dead atheist (the only good kind of atheist, I presume), and the eulogy of sorts delivered at his memorial service, in the delightfully titled play
Subtlety, thy name is Snook.
DIR -- Let's see. Normally, we would read the Bible or sing a hymn or say a prayer. But, since the deceased was not a Christian, I'm not sure...
Because there are only two ways of dealing with things : the Christian way, involving Bibles and hymns and raindrops on roses, and the non-Christian way, which no one seems to know much about.
Would someone like to say something on behalf of the deceased?
AMY -- My name is Amy Taylor. I am one of Bob Johnson's children. As you've heard, he was not a Christian. As a matter of fact, he was rather proud of the fact that he was an atheist.
AMY -- The first deadly sin in a dark litany of evil.
And I would say that he was a very successful atheist. He was self-indulgent, hedonistic, ruthless and callous. He was a thief, a forger, a swindler and a rapist.
AMY -- He was Caligula, Blackbeard, Hitler and Seinfeld. He picked his nose. He picked my nose. Need I go on?
DIR -- (stands) ...Excuse me, should you be talking about the deceased like that during his memorial service?
AMY -- Yes, of course. The memorial service is an occasion to list a person's accomplishments. My father's life was an unqualified success, considering that he was an atheist…
Originality, thy name is Amy.
You see, an atheist is one who believes there is no God. That means he believes that there is nothing after this life, no rewards and no punishment, nothing to transcend this life at all. Given that belief, why would an atheist lift a finger to do anything the least bit unselfish in his lifetime?...
AMY -- Only Christians can be unselfish. That’s why I’m here at my father’s memorial service. I’m being unselfish, so I can go to heaven after I die.
DIR -- (incredulous) You mean, he didn't leave ANYTHING for his family?
AMY -- He never had a family. I was one of three children born out of wedlock. In fact, all of his children were all conceived as a result of rape. My father enjoyed raping women.
Especially the ones he knew would have smarmy, deluded children.
But what he enjoyed even more than raping them was fighting felony charges and paternity suits in court by humiliating and embarrassing his victims.
BOB JOHNSON -- And you’re at least five pounds overweight!
VICTIM -- (breaks down sobbing, runs from the courtroom) It’s true! I can’t go through with this trial! Oh, why couldn’t I have been assaulted by a good Christian man instead?
He won every trial and law suit, leaving all of his victims penniless…
AMY -- Because they were good Christian women, so they couldn’t work or hire lawyers or do nasty atheistic things like that.
But why not rape women, if you can get away with it? Why not steal from your business partners and swindle your stock holders? If this life is all there is, a man would be a fool not to go for all the gusto he can get no matter who he hurts in the process.
DIR -- Are Christians allowed to call people fools?
AMY -- (pauses to think; geological eras pass) I’m doing it unselfishly. To stop any other people from being atheists.
DIR -- Oh. Well, carry on then. Tell us more about the fool.
AUDIENCE : Jerry! Jerry!
DIR -- Why would anybody have a memorial service for such a despicable person?
AMY -- A memorial service is never given for the deceased. It's too late for him. His fate has already been decided.
Ah… feel the love!
This memorial service is to encourage the survivors.
AMY (to the survivors) : Be Christians, or I’ll come to your funerals too!
DIR -- What encouragement can you possibly get from such a depraved man?
AMY -- Two things, I think. First, we who participated in Bob Johnson's life, saw how empty and miserable atheism is. Even when he was at his most self-indulgent, he was a miserable man. How can a man without hope be anything but miserable?
AMY -- Have I mentioned that he was miserable? I just can’t stress that enough. Miserable. Yup.
And second, a memorial service reminds us that atheists are wrong. There IS hope of life after death. Scientific evidence shows that this universe was created. If there is a creation there's a creator. And that means we have a purpose beyond the shallow self-indulgence of my father. By denying his creator, my father denied his purpose in life.
DIR -- But Amy, if he had not denied his creator and gone on to be a terrible, horrible atheist, you wouldn’t be here, would you?
AMY’s head explodes.
No wonder he was so miserable. He had everything that money could buy and he was miserable. I pity him.
AMY I pity da fool!
Amy, by the way, is Mr. Snook’s version of “Bob”, the ubiquitous and self-righteous Mary Sue who tends to waltz through life giving little lessons to the other characters (and I use the term loosely), most of whom are Liz. Liz, who sometimes appears to have leanings towards the Dark Side, is in dire need of Amy’s brand of Tough Love, and she gets it in the next play, which is creatively titled
Gosh, if Mr. Snook would only repeat that about a thousand more times, I think I might get it. Moving on to the “plot”, though, we see Liz, who is tied up and hopping around after Amy, who has an obsession with snacks. Lest you think these are some kind of kinky reindeer games, rest assured that Liz is about to pay the price for her non-adherence to Snookianity.
AMY -- This is what happens when the last vestiges of Christian influence are removed from government. This was your idea, remember?… you did say it would be better if there was no Christian influence in Government. (strolls, shouts) Peanuts, Cracker Jacks. Peanuts, Cracker Jacks.
AMY -- Once Christians are removed from the government, it will once more be legal to sell salty snacks!
LIZ -- I know what I said, but I never advocated torturing people, especially not myself!... What reason could people possibly have for torturing an innocent person to death?!
AMY For God so loved the world that he let his kid be tortured to death, and you’re not even his kid, so what makes you think he cares about you?
AMY -- Well in an atheistic society that rejects God's morality, the only morality that remains is economics and aesthetics… The people in this audience are all sadists. They derive great pleasure from watching people suffer.
AMY -- Hi, Mr. Snook! Would you like me to sit on your lap and feed you peanuts? It’ll only be ten dollars this time.
They paid a thousand dollars per ticket to watch your torture. Tonight's torture will be good for the economy.
AMY -- I also get to work the crowd. Do you know, Liz, you’ve never paid me for a lap dance?
LIZ -- Well, that's immoral!
AMY -- I'm sorry, but since the government got rid of the last vestiges of Christianity in government, you're not allowed to use that argument anymore… Morality is from God. And God has been removed from the equation.
GOD -- (sobbing) That’s right, they kicked me out, the bastards! Well, screw them. I’ll create my own Earth, with blackjack, and hookers!
LIZ -- Well, you can't just let those thugs torture me!... Well, what about the value of human life?!
AMY -- I'm sorry, the value of human life comes from being made in the image of God. Without God in the equation, human life is no more valuable than cows or chickens.
LIZ -- Well, that's barbaric! I'm more valuable than a cow or a chicken!
AMY -- Not a Christian cow. Or even a Christian chicken.
AMY -- You're right, tonight you are more valuable... after you're dead... you will be the guest of honor at the cannibals' banquet...
LIZ -- This is a nightmare!
AMY -- Yes, it is… This is all a dream… Last night just before bed time, you suggested that government would be better off without any influence from Christians.
LIZ -- But I was just saying that to get you all worked up, so that you would be aggressive in the sack for once.
AMY -- Why, you – Come here, baby! Did I mention how hot you are when you’re tied up?
LIZ -- Wait!... I think it's probably true… That government is all about imposing values on society. There's no such thing as a society without values. If Christian values are not imposed on society, non-Christian values will be imposed instead.
And non-Christian values are all about sadism, cannibalism, and that worst, most terrible crime of all – abortion. Several of the Snookscripts are devoted to this topic, devising more and more elaborate scenarios to show that abortion is never, ever permissible. The health/life of the mother is a non-issue, because the martyrish stance of the good Christian incubator dominates all in
In this heart-warming little tale, Pat (three-letter names appear to the norm in the Snookiverse) finds out that she is pregnant, but when the doctor offers to give her a referral to an abortion provider, he is quickly and firmly put in his place.
DOC -- …But this is not just an average pregnancy. You were savagely and brutally raped.
DOC -- You also developed amnesia, hence the expository dialogue.
DOC -- You know, you're only two months pregnant. That means you're going to have to carry the memory of that horrible night for seven more months!
PAT -- Are you saying that in order for me to have pleasant memories, a baby has to lose its life?
DOC -- What do you mean, lose its life? That baby’s going straight to heaven, girl, straight to the arms of its Heavenly Father! My God, what better life could you want for your child?
DOC -- Well, it's not really a baby yet…
PAT -- Well, if it's not a human being NOW, what is it?
DOC -- No, no, Pat, you must have misheard me. I said it wasn’t really a baby yet. Do you know what the difference is between a fertilized egg cell and an actual baby? Pat? Pat, are you there?
…DOC -- You're not going to keep the baby, are you?
PAT -- Oh, no. I'm not married. Raising a baby without a dad would be bad parenting.
PAT -- Handing a baby over to the overworked social services system, now that’s good parenting! Praise the Lord!
DOC -- You know, you're giving up a lot to carry this baby to term.
PAT -- It's not like I'm throwing my body on a live hand grenade. I'll spend a few months of discomfort and a few hours of pain.
PAT -- It doesn’t cost anything to have a baby these days, and there’s zero health risk. Of course, my employer will give me as much time off as I could possibly need, and as you can see, I have absolutely no problems with the rape. Why, it’s almost like going to a health spa.
It's the least I can do for another human being.
PAT -- Does this crown of thorns suit me? I’m picking up the cross later.
DOC -- You're right. (stands) Oh, that reminds me… I have to remove the abortion doctor from my list of referrals. There's no excuse for such a referral now.
PAT -- Marry me, Doc! Now you know I’m fertile, you can help me raise lots and lots more children!
Just in case we don’t get the point that Abortion Is Always Wrong, Amy crops up again, along with her brother, Bob. He might as well be the Pencil-Mustached Guy from the Chick tracts, judging from his performance in
BOB -- (reenters pushing Thug who is hand-cuffed) Well, Sis, here he is!... Herman Siskle, here, is the guy who raped you.
BOB -- You got fifty shekels of silver, Herm?
HERM -- I do indeed. Praise the Lord!
BOB -- She’s all yours then. Go consummate your marriage while I write out the receipt, will you?
BOB -- …His finger prints matched those we found at the crime scene and his DNA matched the DNA from the rape kit from the hospital.
BOB -- (proudly) I took the semen samples myself.
This is your rapist, alright. We've got him dead to rights… Kneel, dirt bag. (thug kneels, Bob digs into suit coat, pulls out hand gun offers it to Amy) Sis, you and I are going to see that justice is done… Just shoot him in the head…
AMY -- Bobby! Do you know what you're saying?
AMY -- Shooting him in the crotch will be more painful and it’ll last longer. You’re such a dork sometimes, Bobby.
AMY -- …we can't just execute him without a trial!
BOB -- I don't get it. You decided to kill his baby without a trial.
THUG -- Yeah! And I wuv my baby!
AMY -- (turns away) You're right! I must have been out of my mind… If I spare the life of this... this... rapist, who is guilty as sin, how can I justify killing a child (holds tummy) who is completely innocent?!
AMY -- Oh, Bobby, take this sweet innocent baby out of my tummy now and give it to another woman who deserves it more than I do!
BOB -- Good for you, Sis. Come on, Fred. (lifts Thug to his feet)… This is Fred Barnes. He's on my softball team. He volunteered to help you take another look at what you were doing when you decided to have an abortion.
AMY -- (tearful) Bobby! (opens arms)
AMY -- O wise and benevolent Bobby! I want you to raise my baby to play softball too!
BOB -- Sis. (hugs) I'm sorry I deceived you.
AMY -- I'm glad you did. You got me to see that abortion is a death sentence for an innocent human being… Thanks. (holds tummy) For everybody.
QUEENOFSWORDS – (holds tummy) Be still, my lunch. Especially since Amy and Liz return in two more plays that vie for the title of Most Ridiculous Sin; the first is the terrible crime of asking
In this comedy of errors, Amy is a judgemental angel. OK, so nothing’s changed.
AMY -- I mean, if justice was served, you'd be dead now. But somebody died in your place. So, any blessings you get are completely undeserved.
LIZ -- That doesn’t make sense.
AMY -- Shaddup, scum!
THAT'S the time when you SHOULD ask, "Why me, God?! Why Me?!"… you're lucky I'M not running things. If I had my way, all you humans would be toast.
LIZ -- Uh, Amy? Are you Satan?
But, God keeps ignoring your faults and sending you blessings and you keep forgetting to ask "Why me?”
LIZ -- I'm sorry… The truth is, there are about five billion people in the world would love to have my problems. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, I'm not in jail. I'm not in a hospital. I really am lucky, aren't I?
And you don’t have to read grotesque little plays like these either. Especially when the (free) script tackles the crime of character assassination in
AMY -- You're under arrest for murder… You've killed seven people today alone.
LIZ -- Seven?! Look, you obviously have me mistaken for somebody else.
LIZ -- I just killed one! And it was an atheist, for crying out loud!
AMY -- (sigh) Alright, if it will help me to get a confession out of you, we'll do a reenactment for you. (points back to entrance)
LIZ -- That's my sister. What's she doing here?... I didn't kill her!
AMY -- My mistake. (borrows Bob’s handgun, fires at the sister) There, now you did.
LIZ -- …I called her a brat and I said "No wonder you don't have any friends."
(Sister sinks to knees groaning holding heart, dies)
That, people, was the essence of the “killing”. The sister’s curious and idiosyncratic reaction is also the primary action motif of the play. Every time Liz says something mean, the walking blobs of cotton candy crumple up and “die”.
AMY -- A little piece of your sister died when you lashed out in anger.
AMY -- But that little piece of your sister had accepted a little piece of Jesus Christ as its savior, so it went up to a little piece of heaven.
LIZ -- I said , (to mother) "I hate you! I wish you weren't my mother!"
(Mother sinks to knees holding heart, groans, dies)
MOTHER : It is a far, far better thing I do…
AMY -- You thought your boyfriend was going after your friend Suzy, but instead of confronting him about it, you attacked her. What did you say to her.
LIZ -- I called her a (to Suzy) "fat cow".
(Suzy, clutches heart, sinks to knees, groans and dies)
SUZY : Rosebud.
AMY -- You're a serial killer. Bodies all over the place.
LIZ -- (sigh) I'm a Christian. The Lord will forgive me.
AMY -- Yes, but your victims will always have the scars from your murderous attacks.
LIZ -- But they’re dead.
AMY -- Dead and scarred. The pathologist will have nightmares, nightmares, do you hear me?
LIZ -- I said, "Mrs Beldon is a dweeb. Nobody likes her."
(Mrs Beldon sinks to knees clutching heart, groans and dies)
MRS. BELDON : Oh happy dagger, here is thy sheath! there rust, and let me die.
(Girl1, girl2, girl3 enter, wearing glasses and unattractive hair and clothing, stand near bodies)
LIZ -- (sigh) I said, "the only thing they'll ever win is a losing contest."
(all three girls, clutch their hearts, sink to knees groan and die)
QUEENOFSWORDS : If I never see a Bob Snook play again, it will be too soon. All the world might be a stage, but when that world is as deeply delusional, ridiculous and, worst of all, boring as the one Mr. Snook lives in, he need not proclaim that his creative endeavors are free. He would probably have to pay people to perform them – and to watch (perhaps with peanuts and Cracker Jack snacks). But there wouldn’t be enough money in the world to keep the Weekly Nutwatch from taking them apart.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords (exits). Curtain falls.