Hello everyone! In the beginning, God said, “Let there be nuts”, and behold, there were nuts. But few of them take it upon themselves to dress that way. I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s Nut features both an accomplished apologist and prophetic dreams. And if this acme of Christianity fails to convert you, perhaps the Jesus lookalike will do so; give it up for the rube in robes, because this week’s Nutwatch pulls over
Lest we fail to appreciate the full glory of the spectacle, the wallpaper of the following page features a picture of the author in his long white nightie, holding a life-size cross featuring the words “One nation under god”. I couldn’t care less about under god, but I do hope he has under wear, just in case a gust of wind makes a Marilyn Monroe out of him.
Well, I don’t know about the cross, but there’s a law against indecent exposure. Or perhaps you felt imitation was the sincerest form of flattery, in which case you really should have paid someone to nail you to the cross. Have the courage of your convictions, man!
an epidemic of drugs, sexually contracted diseases,
Diseases contracted any other way aren’t as much fun to mention.
gang violence, and every type of crime is sweeping across our land… If we hope to see our nation healed of this epidemic, Christians will have to get out of their comfort zones, and be willing to let the Light of Christ shine through them.
Presumably through the holes in their heads.
The world needs to see the transforming presence of Christ in our lives.
He’ll transform you into a Dinobot if you’re lucky and a Decepticon if you’re not.
Souls will be saved, and lives will be changed, and our nation will be healed, when we pick up our cross daily for Jesus.
We’ll certainly become more brawny and muscular, if we do several repetitions of cross-lifting a day. Poor Jesus, if only he had worked out regularly he might have been fit enough to outrun the soldiers.
Many people ask me why I wear a white robe as I carry the cross.
You’re playing Casper, the Friendly Ghost. Or perhaps you’re in the advertising business? “My robe used to be stained and dirty… until I used new Tide with Bleach!”
Contrary to what many may think, it is NOT so I can act like Jesus. If that was the case, my robe would not be white…it would be covered with blood…
Jesus Dahmer had a seven-course meal.
similar to the precious Blood my Savior shed for me and everyone else in this world.
Any other Bodily Fluids of Jesus are only semi-precious and should not be relied upon for redemption.
It is a reminder that those who profess to be Christians have been bought with a Price.
A Vincent Price? Perhaps he could make a film out of this, called The Craven, or The Fall of the House of Adam.
It is a reminder to Christians that since we have been bought with a Price, we are to live our lives as a temple of the Holy Spirit.
A shirley temple : we are to be unbearably cute.
In Revelation 19:8, we see that those who had made themselves ready for the marriage of the Lamb (Jesus Christ) will be clothed in fine linen, clean and white....
If they only had tails, it would look as though all the mice escaped from a genetics laboratory.
He says that everyone who OVERCOMES, WILL BE CLOTHED IN WHITE RAIMENT…
And everyone who’s cool will be clothed in black raiment, like Raistlin or Trinity. Move with the times, seriously.
It will be a serious Day when we stand before the Lord. Will you be clothed in White?
All except for your nose, which will be Brown. But just in case you’re planning to wear some other hue before the Lord, thereby perplexing him with the sudden change from black-and-white to Technicolor, keep in mind that you may have swallowed
LIE #1) “THE BIBLE IS JUST A BOOK WRITTEN BY MEN”.
As I read in a review once, “This isn’t written, it’s wrotten.”
THE REMARKABLE THING ABOUT THE SCRIPTURES IS THAT UNTIL ONE RECIEVES THE SPIRIT OF GOD, THEY CANNOT FULLY COMPREHEND THE RICHNESS AND THE DEPTHS OF THE SCRIPTURES.
What’s remarkable is that this, er, reasoning doesn’t apply to the Qu’ran, the Bhagavad Gita, The Book of Mormon or the complete works of the Marquis de Sade. You can judge those without any spirits at all; to appreciate the bible, you need to be pumped to the gills with 100% proof.
A PERSON CAN SCOFF ALL THEY WANT ,
Can a person really? A person thanks you for the permission, not that it was necessary, but it’s the thought that counts.
BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT IT IS TRUE… THE THINGS OF GOD ARE SPIRITUALLY DISCERNED, AND THE NATURAL MAN CANNOT UNDERSTAND THEM,
The unnatural man has no problem doing so. If only we had a golem or a zombie around to translate the bible for us.
BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE SPIRIT OF GOD DWELLING IN HIM (GOD HAS NOT YET BREATHED HIS SPIRIT INTO HIM,
With some people, I imagine God has to breathe especially hard, rather like blowing. Presumably this feels very good to the people, and now I know why the robes have to be white.
SO THE SCRIPTURES WHICH WERE GOD-BREATHED, CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD BY THOSE IN WHOM GOD HAS NOT BREATHED HIS SPIRIT). KIND OF A CATCH 22.
You think? Kind of a cop-out too, considering that some people might actually want to read the scriptures before allowing God to bust a lung over them. Then again, if you weren’t easily fooled and intimidated, why would God want you?
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND POINT IN THE ABOVE VERSE, WHICH SHOULD BE OBVIOUS TO THE CASUAL READER (BUT IT GENERALLY ISN’T ,BECAUSE OF THE FIRST REASON GIVEN...).
and because the casual reader doesn’t have the secret decoder ring. Eat more cereal, casual reader!
THIS IS THAT THE SCRIPTURES ARE NOT FOR THE UNBELIEVER AND THE SKEPTIC,
As if Jesus wasted his time on the unbeliever and the skeptic. Pssh. Throw a few Chick tracts at the unbeliever and the skeptic; the scriptures are too good for them.
BUT FOR THE CHILD OF GOD, SO THAT HE OR SHE MAY GROW TO MATURITY, AND BECOME FULLY EQUIPPED
And much like Data, fully functional. Though if ‘full equipment’ includes a Harley-Davidson and a pair of Ray-Bans, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2, count me in.
TO WALK IN THAT WHICH GOD HAS CALLED THEM TO.
Manure? Quicksand? Cement?
I realize some people are yelling “foul” right now,
Only those who’ve never seen a con game before. These poor souls expect everyone to deal honestly and fairly with them; disabuse them now, good Christian, lest they persist in their folly!
but it’s true. I have met so many people who profess to have read the Bible, and they argue against it’s truth, because they simply do not have the Spirit of God dwelling in them.
and pulling their strings to make them dance about the stage of life for God’s amusement.
Once you become Born Again, of the Spirit of God, the scales that were on your eyes of understanding fall off,
joining your brain on the floor.
and now you are able to understand the TRUTH of the Scriptures. It’s an awesome thing, and the Word of God is a treasure of Knowledge that passes understanding.
If I ever stop doing the Nutwatch, I want this author to replace me, because he does such a good job of exposing Christianity.
The Word of God says that heaven is His throne, and the earth is His footstool.
And Jupiter is His bowling ball and the moon is a bit of navel lint He once found.
Who can stand against so great a Creator?
Walt Disney, another great creator of talking animals which delighted children everywhere.
Once a person becomes truly Born from Above, (a child of God),
they join the hive as either workers or soldiers. Either way, they have to bring food to their hungry God regularly, hence their constant efforts to seek out the unconverted.
they understand that the Bible, while it was physically penned by men, was truly Divinely inspired by God. God breathed the Words of Life into them,
His voice was low and husky as he said, “Do you want Me to breathe My Words of Life into you?” The prophet nodded, trembling with anticipation. “What must I do, Lord?” “Only open your… self to Me,” God whispered, “and gather some parchment to absorb the… words which you in turn shall emit.” Thus was the first slashfic written, and there was much rejoicing, except for Jesus, who had wanted a baby brother for ever so long.
so that we can truly say that the Bible is the inerrant, infallible, and uncorrupted Word of God… No other book can match the genius of the Word of God.
But Pat the Bunny comes close.
LIE #2: ANOTHER LIE I HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE WORD OF GOD, IS THAT IT CONTAINS SO MANY CONTRADICTIONS.
These are not contradictions, they are creative ways of saying the truth. For example, wouldn’t it be boring if each gospel gave Jesus identical last words? You’d have to read the same thing four times! Instead, this way you get something new each time. Isn’t God great?
GENERALLY, THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THESE STATEMENTS ARE JUST PARROTING WHAT THEY HAD HEARD OTHERS SAY.
Polly want a contradiction? Seriously, though, you’d never catch Christians parroting what they have heard others say. No, each Christian comes up with their own unique take on the matter.
I HAVE YET TO FIND ONE. TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE.
I’m not sure how this is supposed to be a challenge of any kind, especially since pressing the capslock key a second time seems to be a challenge for the author.
I AM NO SCHOLAR, BUT I BELIEVE THE WORD OF GOD…
Well, that just says it all, though the author is far too modest; this non-scholar has clearly worked for long sweating hours to expose to the world
Just as God is the Creator, mankind creates things. God created all things out of nothing,
but man is not infinite, so he creates things out of materials which already exist.
If infinity determines what one can or cannot do, is Buzz Lightyear God?
God is the Ruler of the Universe. Mankind has rulers, presidents, kings, emporers, tzars,
Hello, time traveler, you have entered the year 2003. Please adjust your Earth Encyclopedia accordingly. Thank you.
chiefs, governors, prime ministers...our societies are set up around some form of government.
And when it’s a government where the people have no say in the laws, it’s called despotism, and dissenters are herded away to places of punishment. But enough about Christianity for now.
God is a Righteous Judge.
He takes the name “Judy” and presides over a small claims court.
God is the Judge of all Judges. He is the Righteous Judge. He has set a standard, and that standard is found in His Son Jesus.
Considering his record of genocide and misogyny in the Old Testament, it’s obvious why that standard isn’t found in Him. We are not told what crimes the Holy Spirit committed that disqualified Him/It from being the standard, but they must have been even worse.
If we break His Law which says that we need to be Born Again, then we are shaking our fist at the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords,
and the Prince of Tides, and Locutus of Borg, and Helen of Troy, and Dances with Wolves! Oh, how could we?
and there is a place to which all who reject Him will be sent, to the Lake of Fire.
Where there shall be much barbecue, and grilling of beef.
Understand that God takes no delight in sending anyone to the Lake of fire. He went to great lengths to redeem us from the threat of Hell.
Well, what other option did he have, after he created the place and established the ground rules that sentenced everyone to it?
He has warned us that there is eternal torment there, weeping and gnashing of teeth.
In other words, the chili is four-alarm and they’re serving ribs.
He created the lake of fire for the devil and his angels. (Matt. 25:41) Never was it intended for any of humanity.
So just create a Bathtub of Fire for us.
But all who willingly reject God’s free gift of eternal life choose willingly to spend eternity in the Lake of Fire. There is no party there.
Not even the Democratic Party? Boy, they just don’t make Lakes of Fire like they used to.
Another lie that goes with the lie
But does it go steady with the lie or is it seeing other lies on the side?
that says there is no hell is that a loving God would not send a person to hell.
A loving God would not only send a person to hell, he’d send them to hell forever. If he didn’t like you, you’d be out before you had second-degree burns; because he loves you, he will roast you to a crisp, yea, and dance upon the ashes.
What a terrible way to waste your life, to gamble on your assumptions that there is no Hell, and then to spend eternity realizing you were wrong.
Please, author, don’t credit me with your own powers of comprehension. I think I could figure out I was in hell after about five seconds, though it might take longer if I saw you there as well.
THE ARM OF THE LORD, THE CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH, EMPTIED HIMSELF OF HIS DEITY…
Wait a minute, God’s arm is a God too? What is he, a divine starfish? Though I must admit, this does explain the trinity : Jesus and the Holy Spirit are mere arms on the torso of God. Instead of the Lamb of God, Jesus is supposed to be the Limb of God. Ah, it all makes sense now.
JUST AS THE FIRST MAN, ADAM, SINNED, AND THROUGH HIS FALL WE HAVE ALL GONE ASTRAY, SO JESUS CAME AS THE SECOND ADAM…
But minus an Eve. Where’s his woman? Was she lost in the mail or did she get a puncture?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ACCEPT HIS FREE GIFT OF ETERNAL LIFE!
Heck, you have that anyway. All you really have to do is pay with your intelligence and self-respect for his expensive gift of eternal servitude in heaven. One-time offer, folks, space in heaven is limited, and I hear they’re serving vegetarian shish kebabs in the Other Place. And perhaps it was one of these unnatural meals which inspired
A prophetic dream of the body of Christ might have necessitated a changing of the robes.
I want to record my dream I had last nght.
Alternate title for this story : Je-Sus and the Masters of the Obvious.
There was a national prayer day going on. Christians… were getting together to form a prayer chain and to pray.
As opposed to getting together to form a daisy chain and to play hopscotch.
It was an airport, and the Christians were waiting inside the waiting area…
How clever of them! Were they also eating inside the eating area? You know they’re Christians if God directs them to the correct facilities; such is his power.
As I walked into the area… one brother walked up to me, and hugged me, and slipped an envelope in my hand, which I knew was money,
so I looked around for the cops, didn’t notice any, counted the money and said, “This is my body – take it!”
and inwardly I was saying a prayer of thanks to God, because I was broke, and I needed the money to continue to where I needed to go.
“Thanks, God! Hey, guy who gave me the money, you thank God for it too, you hear?”
I had to go down to a basement to get out of the building. There were more people I knew there, and they were just finishing eating at a table.
The rest of the world must eat on the rooftop, or maybe off the floor. Trust the Christians to get it right, though will anyone receive the Good News of why God made tables? I think not!
I had to walk in front of the people, between them and their food, which was in styrofoam trays to get to the door, but it barely hindered them from eating their food, they were just busy eating.
Have we all understood that these people were eating? If anyone hasn’t quite comprehended the ongoing act of ingestion, the author could re-emphasize it.
The fact that we were at an airport tells me that
this had something to do with Pontius Pilot?
these are Christians that are waiting for the coming of the Lord with an expectancy, but they were WAITING... they were willing to be participants when it happened, but they were WAITING…. these were WAITING FOR THE EVENT TO OCCUR.
I’m just waiting for the incessant repetition to stop. Incredibly, that happened before the coming of the Lord, something I’m sure even the author didn’t expect.
JESUS IS COMING SOON. HE IS COMING FOR HIS BRIDE, THE BODY OF CHRIST,
Jesus finally gets to marry his body, making for an uneviable wedding night.
NOT FOR HIS DENOMINATION. BUT HE IS CALLING HIS CHURCH TO BECOME INVOLVED IN HIS THINGS, AND NOT IN THEIR OWN.
If the poor fellow has to be content with solitary sensuality, no wonder he’s asking people to take an interest in his er, things. He may have miscounted there, but what the heck, let’s give him a break.
ARE YOU IN THE TERMINAL, OR IN THE BASEMENT?
Whom are you speaking to, Waldo? Carmen Sandiego? And why stop there; should I be under the mistletoe or beneath the pinata?
OR...ARE YOU IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER? I LOVE YOU ALL...
Go love Jesus, your disembodied god needs it more than I do. He also needs better apologists, instead of the prophet and loss he’s got here, and let’s not even get started on the man in the Halloween costume, who ought to be holding a staff instead of a cross. That way people might take him for Saruman the White, whereas now they might take him for a nitwit. And you wouldn’t have to wait two thousand years to see Saruman again either.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords