Hello everyone, and welcome to the largest collection of miracles you’ll ever see, proof positive that the Catholic Church produces as many nuts as nuns. I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s Nutwatch is a little different from its predecessors, since most of its material is taken from an unbelievably slavish book donated by a Catholic fringe group. Still, their phenomenal paintings and undocumented miracles have found a way on to the Internet as well, which only goes to show that the right picture of the right god (male, Caucasian, only two arms) can work wonders. Get ready for the saved cities, the saved people and maybe even the saved documents, because this week’s Nutwatch plays Doubting Thomas to
To Sister Faustina, the Lord had been appearing in a vision since 1931 to 1938.
After that, they broke up and he started appearing in visions to another sister.
On February 22, 1931, she saw Jesus clothed in a white garment.
“Jesus!” she said. “Take my bra off right now!”
His right hand was raised in blessing while the left was touching his garment at the breast, where two large rays came forth
followed by two large squids, and then two large sperm whales. It’s the Marine Exhibit Jesus, here for a limited time only.
one red, the other pale…. Then Jesus said to her, “Paint an image acording to the pattern you see with the inscription : JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU… I promise that the soul that will venerate this image will not perish (in hell).”
He added that disclaimer just in case she thought there was another place where souls perished.
Sister Faustina’s commissioning to have the image painted has a warning attached to its unfulfillment when Jesus told her, “Know that if you neglect the matter of the painting of the IMAGE and the whole work of mercy, you will have to answer for a multitude of souls on the Day of Judgement.”
Thus providing Faustina (the female counterpart of Faust?) with the perfect excuse for inflicting her talent, or lack thereof, upon Catholicism. Even if Faustina had steadfaustedly refused to daub his portrait, you’d think that a god would find other ways to save “a multitude of souls”, but apparently only her skills are the way, the truth and the life.
A devotion most dear to Our Lord is the veneration of His Passion at the very hour that recalls His death on the Cross… “At THREE O’CLOCK implore My mercy especially for sinners;
“But don’t do it at FOUR O’CLOCK. That’s smitin’ time.”
and, if only for a brief moment, steep yourself in My Passion,
We pause now for this “brief” moment, brought to you by Victoria’s Secret.
particularly in My abandonment at the moment of agony. This is the hour of great mercy for the whole world.
Jesus, come here and let me explain the concept of time zones to you.
In this hour I will refuse nothing to the soul that makes a request of Me
“No requests will be taken from bodies, however. No bodies need apply. Bodies go to the back of the bus.”
in virtue of My passion, for that that moment MERCY was opened wide for every soul… Mercy triumphed over Justice.”
Considering what the christian notions of mercy and justice are like, this is like being rescued from a serial killer by a terrorist.
One time, Our Lord Jesus Christ told Sister Faustina that God was going to destroy a city for it was already enmeshed in great sin.
Oh, no, all that history and culture. I hope they at least got Michelangelo’s Pieta out before it was too late.
Sister Faustina wrote about this on September 13, 1935 : “I saw an angel who was the executor of God’s wrath.”…. As Sister Faustina kept repeating the inspired prayer, the Angel became powerless to carry out the ordained punishment.
I hope god at least informed the Angel of the reason for his sudden impotency. It must be frustrating; first he’s the instrument of God’s wrath, then someone says a prayer several times and he’s helpless. I’d get whiplash from such abrupt turnarounds.
In Toril (Davao, Philippines), Mr. Lelis, a security guard of Sun Mark Grocery Store, was mauled by three men
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost? No, wait, considering what I’ve seen from the Divine Mercy so far, it’s more likely to be the Three Stooges.
and brought to a hospital. A week later, Lelis’s wife gave this testimony during a Prayer Meeting. “A day after my husband was mauled and brought to a hospital, I went to the Toril Municipal Jail to interview the three men who attempted to kill him.
Mrs. Lelis is Christian Slater in the thrilling sequel to Interview with the Vampire!
I wanted to know why they would do that.
Most people would take a security guard home for milk and cookies.
I was also curious why they shouted as though in pain as they ran away from my fallen husband. And they related this to me :
‘When I struck your husband, he fell to the ground. His wallet from his pocket dropped down and opened. I bent and was about to stab him with my dagger,
Zounds, sirrah! Is this a dagger I see before me? Put up thy blade, thou flap-eared knave, and get a gun instead. Jeez, do the criminals have to be as incompetent as everyone else?
but suddenly two blinding flashes of light from the picture of the opened wallet suddenly struck my eyes. I ran away shouting in pain.”
“I promptly struck a telephone pole and knocked myself out. That’ll teach me to run with daggers.”
“That wallet picture was the Divine Mercy Chaplet,” answered the woman. And unable to speak for a while, she wiped her misty eyes as she recalled that the radiating rays in the Heart of Jesus the Divine Mercy saved her husband.
They didn’t save him from being mauled and having to go to hospital, but that’s the one caveat of the radiating rays in the Heart of Jesus the Divine Mercy. God’s powers are nullified by iron chariots, Jesus’s by leather. Let’s move on to the next miracle.
At age 19, Peewee, a second year college student at the Holy Cross college, was suddenly taken ill… The doctor said that he had no chance to live. In total surrender Esther prayed, “We give him up to You, Lord. We are returning him to You.”
“If we’re still within the warranty period, can we have another?”
Suddenly, Peewee pointed at something saying, “Light! Light!”
“So we handed him the Virginia Slims.”
It must have been so bright because he was blinking his eyes.
People in heaven must look like characters from The Matrix, all in shades.
Since we could not understand much of what he was talking about,
I know exactly how you feel.
he took hold of the framed Divine Mercy image which was hanging above his bed, and pointed at Jesus’s Heart rays.
“Look, Ma, Jesus is trying to be Cyclops!”
“Bright Light! Bright Light!” Peewee was so joyfully stirred!
It was his first successful attempt at rhyming poetry.
With tears in our eyes, we told him, “Go to the Lord, Peewee. It’s OK. Go with Jesus now.” And he fell back into coma.
No doubt through shock that his parents were telling him to die.
On his 6th day in the hospital, Peewee was gone! Jesus, the Divine Mercy, took Peewee home to heaven!
What’s so miraculous about this? Isn’t heaven supposed to be the reward for baptism and regular church attendance accompanied by copious quantities of holy wafers? Jesus was only giving Peewee what he deserved in the first place; the miracle would have been if the boy was cured, but apparently there are some things even Divine Mercy can’t do, as is clear from another, er, miracle.
Marife Saladores Pavon, a nine-months-pregnant woman, had been feeling bad for days already… black dead blood came out of her birth canal. They waited for several hours and the midwife did everything she knew, however, the baby would not go out.
It had probably heard the interminable chanting of rosaries and knew it was better off inside.
When Caridad noticed that her daughter Marife was almost in the throes of death, she ran to the image of Jesus the Divine Mercy, and with faith, pleadingly rubbed her hand on it.
This resulted in a greasy, smeared image of Jesus the Divine Mercy. The next day, Caridad’s mother noticed the stains and said, “Why don’t you try Windex with Added Cleaning Power?” Caridad couldn’t believe how much brighter and shinier her image of Jesus the Divine Mercy now was.
Feeling the heat in her hand,
and being completely unaware of such a thing as “friction”.
she rushed to Marife and rubbed that same hand on her daughter’s stomach!
Rub-a-dub-dub, three gods in a tub.
Instantly and miraculously, blood flowed out from Marife and the dead, already blackish baby came out!
I’ll pause there for everyone to appreciate the glory of that particular miracle.
“Within an hour, Marife’s facial color came back. She opened her eyes showing she was feeling better. We ended our prayers with a great alleluia of thanksgiving, praising God for His mercy!”
The unnamed, unbaptized baby seems to have been forgotten in the general sycophancy. I hope they at least gave it a decent burial after they were done singing.
The next day Marife without medication at all, got up, and went on with her normal life. She was completely healed by those pleadings to the Divine Mercy of Jesus!
And the intensive rubbing also erased the pregnancy from her memory, probably an act of mercy considering how much attention her family paid to the stillbirth. We are not told if the baby’s soul went to heaven, to hell or to limbo, but at least one adult Catholic went to heaven, and was fortunate enough to meet Jesus there as well; in keeping with Catholic traditions, he provides a detailed description of Jesus, right down to His dimple.
In his testimonies, Stanley describes the Jesus that he saw as looking very much like the Sacred Heart pictures of Jesus, except that “His hair is black, not brown or blond, and basically long and straight, though it waves a little with the breeze. The eyes are blue.
He’s one of the Fremen?
His complexion is so fine and fair; it is almost translucent. The nose is the same as one sees it in pictures, and so are the lips, except that the lips are very much redder.”
Is it just me, or does Jesus look like Snow White? Much like the lissome young girl, he too surrounded himself with male followers, fed them, died as a result of evil and rose again. And for centuries now, people have been singing, “some day my prince will come…”
Jesus wore a long white gown that seemed luminous, and white rays radiated from His bossom (sic). I looked at the hand of Jesus, to see if there were wound-marks
but if there were any, His thick growth of hair hid them.
Neither did He wear jewelry. When I looked down to His feet, I could not see any wound-marks for His long garb covered His feet.
Little did the unsuspecting Stanley realize that Jesus’s “feet” were actually cloven hooves.
Then Stanley realized that they were standing in what looked like grass
And smoking it too, hence the vision.
in a beautiful, scented and cool garden, and at Jesus’s back were all sorts of flowers, including large, large roses in all colors imaginable. (Cardinal Vidal
Gore Vidal? Vidal Sassoon?
of Cebu later remarked to Stanley that that place was Paradise).
Just in case Stanley had mistakenly thought he was in hell, or maybe Florida.
Stanley said of that beautiful dream-apparition, “When Jesus put me down in that garden, He smiled so beautifully, revealing his dimple and His perfect white teeth.
I sensed His message that He was very happy because the whole world will accept His Divine Mercy. Then He hugged me and disappeared. I woke up from the dream.”
“And went to change my clothes.”
In the 11th dream-apparition, Stanley took off his clothes as it was very warm in his 3:00 a.m. prayer time.
You’d think that at 3.00, a devout Catholic could ask Jesus to make it cooler, instead of resorting to nudism. Then again, some people may need such reasons to take off their clothes.
Feeling sleepy, he was not giving enough attention to his chaplet prayer. All of a sudden, our vexed Lord Jesus spoke aloud,
“Stanley, I’ve told you before! Either the schoolboy uniform or the black leather pants!”
“Am I not worthy of respect?” Stanley, after apologizing to Jesus, dressed himself and prayed attentively.
Moral of this heartwarming story : you might have been created in the image of god, but that doesn’t mean He wants to look at you. Sheesh, have some consideration for His sensibilities. Stanley’s lucky he isn’t female; who knows how Jesus would have reacted to bare breasts? At least He wasn’t sufficiently outraged to withdraw his Divine protection from this most loyal (and fecund) of his followers, a further miracle explained on the webpage
Stanley: …I had a very good experience in mainland China. It’s a Communist country there and they don’t believe in God. If they find anything religious on your body they will put you to prison immediately… But then as I entered the mainland, I was just wearing this Divine Mercy t- shirt
Either it was very cold in mainland China, or Stanley’s church talked him out of the more naturist approach he employed with Jesus.
with a large crucifix around my neck. I was carrying that large Divine Mercy icon, and also a bagful of Divine Mercy posters…another bag full of Divine Mercy novenas…another bag full of Divine mercy chaplets.
Stanley’s goal in life is to be a martyr. It must have been a great disappointment when the Communists failed to give him that coveted status.
The guards looked at me and opened my bags but then they closed it and they let me in…meaning, they saw nothing… meaning, Jesus blinded them.
Good thing you managed to extrapolate that conclusion, Stanley, since I would never have guessed it, especially considering that your pictures of Jesus didn’t shoot out light rays. By the way, that’s an interesting change in Jesus’s, er, personality – in the New Testament, he cures people of blindness, but these days he inflicts it on them. Let’s hope that the guards weren’t punished for dereliction of duty : like Marife’s dead baby, their fate is of no interest to the Divine Mercy.
Sylvia: What a miracle! That’s beautiful!
Sylvia: Set your phaser to blind, Jesus!
Stanley: When I was in the mainland, I asked [the people] if they can understand English. They said they can only understand one language, and that is Chinese…
We are not told which language Stanley used in asking this question – English, Chinese, Esperanto, Klingon or binary.
So, I decided to give my testimony in my own local dialect of Cebuano. And then as I was giving my testimony, they were crying. They said they could understand every word I said.
And they said, “You seemed sane when we couldn’t.”
Sylvia: Isn’t that beautiful!
Call for you, Sylvia; it’s Roget’s Thesaurus on line one.
Mike: Wow! What a miracle!
Stanley: They called me to let me know that more than 200 people were baptized Catholic.
Pfft. The Inquisition could do better than that on its slowest day.
Sylvia: Isn’t that beautiful!
Do you have to practise to attain this level of vapidity, or does it come naturally?
Stanley: Yes, There are so many Catholics there and their bishops are under ground.
Though they emerge each night to stalk the living for their brains.
And I have also another good experience during my flight from Hong Kong… the aircraft suddenly nose-dive. All the passengers were crying and shouting, calling the name of the Lord… I was the only one not praying. I was just looking at each one of them, observing them…
“I felt this was the kindest and most supportive thing I could do for these people under the circumstances.”
Jesus said, ‘Some day some many will be calling my name, crying and praying, but I cannot hear them.“ You know why?
La hearing aid, she no have batteries included.
Because what you are doing is that you are not praying and calling the name of the Lord because you love Him, but because you are afraid to die!
Stanley, on the other hand, laughs in the face of death. This Conan of Catholicism would smear himself with raw meat and climb into a cage of pit bulls if he had a Divine Mercy icon within a fifty-yard radius.
Sylvia: That’s beautiful, that’s a good one.
Sylvia Barbie : press the button located in the doll’s skull to hear her enthusiastic (if limited) vocabulary.
Stanley: Just like after the New York incident, Jesus said to me, that we should multiply our prayers. He said that if the people do not pray, something big will happen.
Wait, he made this vague pronouncement after the Twin Towers came down? My apologies for expecting him to understand time zones, he can barely figure out if something happens before, during or after he speaks.
Mike: Are there any more additions to your family?
Stanley: I now have 15 kids, the two additions are adopted. I used to have only 13.
Stanley : That was an unlucky number, so I got two more kids pronto.
Sylvia: That’s beautiful…
I think Sylvia must be Mike’s parrot. Polly want a communion cracker?
Mike: Knowing what happened to the United States and the recent bombing of Afghanistan as a response of that terrorist attack, what would be you message to the American people or to anyone concern about this incident?
Let me guess… pray?
Stanley: Jesus said just to pray,
Albeit with your clothes on.
and we must multiply our prayers. Only prayers can change, no other…
Yes, forget about doing anything practical. I have no idea why Stanley bothered to journey to China when he could simply have prayed in the Philippines, but this is Divine Mercy, not Divine Logic.
Jesus also said, “You must pray with the heart.“ Jesus said he does not need prayers in quantity.
This from the god who just said “multiply your prayers”, and from the religion that largely involves repetition, because the only way to make god do anything is to ask for it over and over again, like a toddler demanding a treat. I’ve seen websites that portrayed God as a puppetmaster, but this is the first one that made him into a puppet, able to be manipulated at will by prayers, icons, T-shirts, portraits and the rubbing thereof. The entire thing smacks of voodoo, right down to Stanley the nudist; even mainstream Catholicism would be an improvement over this collection of magical talismans that fail to work half the time.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords