Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s column is dedicated to my brother Michael, a practising Christian who wants to make a stand against closed-mindedness. I’d say he was doing so here, but that would imply that this week’s subject had a mind. To mark the return of shish kebabed nut to the menu, this Nutwatch features the literary leavings of a flowery fundy who would make Jack Chick seem decent and rational in comparison. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anyone who was capable of squeezing lies, logical fallacies, non sequiturs and plain silliness into a single sentence, but then again, such is the life’s work and heart’s goal of the subject, because this week’s Nutwatch takes on
Right away you know that name was just inspired – though perhaps not by a god. The pages of the website feature blossomy backgrounds and MIDIs, plus a scattering of colored dots that chases your mouse pointer. Still, no one ever said that the Eternal Quest was for good taste or clean webpages; instead, the Eternal Quest is
for Truth, Security, and Peace
Sounds like the motto of a military intelligence network.
The questions, research and gleanings of John Moore on age-old questions of ETERNAL importance.
Such as “How big do I have to make the fonts before people believe me?” However, since it may not be enough to write as though his target audience is four-year-olds reading from across the room, Mr. Moore also employs liberal doses of capslock to bring us the real scoop on the
If you stand in the delivery room of a hospital and see the miracle of birth and the fine veins in a baby's hands, or in a forest and watch nature perform it's ritual…
Watch nature cut the crusts off triangular cucumber sandwiches and serve them with a hot cup of China tea.
…or in a science lab and are able to predict the results of each experiment,
chances are, you’re not working for your graduate degree.
you intuitively proclaim "there IS order," "there ARE natural LAWS that are immutable," "there HAS TO BE a grand design," “there MUST BE a superior intelligence,"
There is – observe non-fundies.
"these things DO NOT HAPPEN by accident," "I SEE management in nature,"
The latest effort to motivate and energize employees : management now takes time off to watch nature performing its rituals.
"God MUST exist!"
“Or I’ll THROW a tantrum until he DOES!”
Evolution and Order oppose one another! The "Theory of Evolution" and God cannot coexist!
I take it the average fundamentalist brain isn’t big enough for both of them? Heck, it may not even be capable of comprehending the “Theory of Evolution” alone.
Charles Darwin was an amateur naturalist.
As opposed to what, a professional liar? But in that case, he’d be Kent Hovind.
Charles Darwin dropped out of medical school after only two years.
This is highly relevant since it shows that Charles Darwin could barely have diagnosed an ulcer and could not have performed neurosurgery on anyone! Had he only stuck it out until he gained his M.D., his theory of evolution would be accepted by everyone.
Charles Darwin was a theologian looking to establish a religion of his own.
Sort of like Jesus, who also looked to establish a religion of his own?
Charles Darwin believed himself that his writings were only a "theory."
This being an amazingly effective tactic in the establishment of religions of one’s own. But the truth turns to bubblegum in the Evolution section : it is chewed, stretched, distorted out of all proportions and finally spat out.
One point in the Creationists favor is that they have been forced to examine large bodies of fact, thought and intelectual evidence BEFORE developing compelling and strong faith in their beliefs.
They were forced? They were made to examine facts and evidence against their wills? What a violation of their minds, their hearts, their souls, and indeed their entire bodies. Oh, the humanity!
Often, evolutionists do not examine any facts and simply make statements to the effect, "I believe it to be so; and if you do not, you are the stupid and ignorant one."
They then draw pentagrams in their laboratories and dance singing around them.
Because of this the Creationist argument is extemely creditable.
An argument stands not on its own merits, but on what kind of statements the opposing side makes. I’ve seen some Through the Looking Glass sites before, but this one takes the cake (and calls it a prawn vindaloo).
Evolutionists tell us that with the passing of time, everything becomes better organized... But anyone with his eyes open has never seen it happen. In fact, we all see that things are DEVOLVING.
Looking into his bathroom mirror one day, the author must have observed a sloping forehead, prominent brow ridges and a massive, protruding jaw. This was undoubtedly the will of God, so he knuckle-walked away in search of his bible.
Accidental happenings always produce accidental results.
It must be tough not being a planned baby.
Darwin again: "If my theory of evolution is true, then it came out of the head of a freek ape, because a human being is a freak ape, a mutation.
Charles ‘Xavier’ Darwin makes plans for his school for gifted children.
But a freak ape is not capable of making a sensible decision or coming up with a learned opinion. Therefore, my own theory has to be stupid if it is true."
Such honesty from a charlatan looking to establish his own religion! Unless it was a personal communique to Mr. Moore, never to be revealed to the outside world which still worships Darwin as a saint?
No wonder he titled one of his works "The Descent of Man".
Then there was his lesser-known book about anti-perspirants, “The Descenting of Man”.
FACT: Because at the time Darwin made his propositions, intellectual pursuits within the scientific community were accompanied by a decline in scientific INTEGRITY.
Also a decline in structural INTEGRITY, resulting in the downfall of many a Satanic laboratory – that’s what’s known as a FACT of god.
And succeeding paleontologists, who also lack character
Character being one of those things you only get from Patriot University.
carry on the obligation to water down the facts with subsidiary hypothesis, which they know to be unverifyable, in the HOPE that their theories will someday be proven correct… if you know something to be untrue, or unverifyable, and you state it as fact, it is a lie and those who do it are liars.
I’d say “look to the plank in thine own eye”, but Mr. Moore has enough planks to build Noah’s Ark. And speaking of which, the nonhuman species of the world are next in line to be misrepresented by The Eternal Quest.
Man makes tools, builds fires, erects shelters for living and working comfort, fabricates clothing; man increases technologically -- ANIMALS DO NOT.
This just in : chimpanzees, beavers, birds, ants and termites have been found to be actually Man. In a related story, nudists are now considered animals.
Man is political -- ANIMALS ARE NOT.
Man invented ketchup -- ANIMALS DID NOT.
Man engages in ritualistic practices -- ANIMALS DO NOT.
This from the man who watches nature performing its ritual. I wonder what could have caused this defect in short-term memory. Pot, maybe?
Man is a religious creature -- ANIMALS ARE NOT.
Let’s hear it for animals.
Man has a moral conscience; a sense of right and wrong, of values -- ANIMALS DO NOT.
This is why, when Adam wanted a mate, God led all the animals to him first. Oh, wait…
Man is an ethical creation -- ANIMALS ARE NOT.
Man repeats himself -- ANIMALS DO NOT.
Man decorates himself and his creations; man makes pictures and statues for enjoyment
This would include pornography – further proof that we’re superior to animals.
-- ANIMALS DO NOT.
When animals make pictures, it’s generally to sell to unsuspecting people who think that they’re looking at abstract paintings by undiscovered talents.
Man is an esthetic animal -- ANIMALS ARE NOT.
Animals are not esthetic animals. Uh, OK.
Even with that knowledge -- screaming from every point of reason within you –
Please, don’t confuse your own screaming with anyone else’s.
you resist acknowledgement of God; you choose the easier, "popular" concepts; you cannot fathom a God who could make 50 billion galaxies.
Or kill 50 billion people.
Let me repeat that: YOU (a finite, mortal spec of seemingly insignificant clay) cannot fathom GOD. What's wrong with this picture? Do you believe he should worship you?
If he likes, though I’m not going to kill myself in order that he be guilt-complexed into doing so.
Because you do not believe in God, or believe that he is not powerful enough to "create" does not make it so!
For the god who is not powerful enough to “create”, try new industrial-strength Theogra. Guaranteed to restore and even improve potency in your god!
By the way, the "Big Bang Theory" is rejected by the majority of the world's scientists.
Who faithfully informed Mr. Moore of their professional opinions, if not their names.
How do I know? Do I dare say it?
And whenever I do, will you obey it?
Will you laugh at it's child-like innocence? Will you reject it because it is too simple to for liberated, intelligent human beings to consider?
If Option B is ticked, liberation and intelligence are evidently your problems. Please report to the Re-Education Center so that these faults can be corrected.
Oh yeah, right, Almighty God is going to write a message to us in a book. Why not? He wrote it in nature and you won't read that.
He wrote it in nature? Perhaps that’s what’s meant by a call of nature. He must have written it in the snow during the last Ice Age, which would explain Mr. Moore’s disappointment at no one reading the message and joining him on his quest against such evils as
Every woman has the right to do as they please with the DNA of their own body; but since the DNA of the fetus that a woman carries is unique, distinct, and DIFFERENT than the prospective mothers, a woman does not have the right to choose what happens to the DNA of the fetus -- a different body than hers!
All tumors, having DNA that is unique, distinct and DIFFERENT, must be named and nurtured in Mooreland; perhaps the cancers can eventually be baptized and led to Christ.
To accept abortion is to deny God; it's sort of like daring Him . . . tempting Him . . .
“Come on, all the other gods have jumped off the bridge, are you chicken, huh, are you?”
or, shaking one's fist in His face . . . isn't it?
I don’t know, Mr. Moore… maybe you should try accepting abortion, whatever that means… then you would find one of the answers to The Eternal Quest… wouldn’t you?
A godless universe has no special place for anything -- especially not human beings, animals or plants (no matter what they might claim).
No matter how much sentience or floral rights the plants may claim, they aren’t getting it – pass the broccoli.
A godless universe doesn't care about anyone's feelings -- but their own.
In a godful universe, you can’t stub your toe without receiving Hallmark cards about it.
In a godless universe, life is only what you make it -- which is never much and never for long.
The author’s glass is half empty, and his cranium may be keeping it company.
In a godless universe, life is no better than death.
In a godful universe, death is a million times better than life, especially when it happens to the said god.
I SUSPECT that no one reading this really believes any of the above statements...
“It was just so much FUN writing them. Who would have known that straw men could provide me with almost as much pleasure as the REAL ones do?”
We have to listen to what the Bible calls our "hearts"
But which everyone else refers to as our “kidneys”?
-- and our hearts tell us "there is a god."
Or, as they generally put it, “dub-DUB, dub-DUB, dub-DUB.” The author has fortunately provided a translation of this obscure language. Next week on The Eternal Quest, the colon quotes Genesis!
Please, give Him His full title : Doctor Who.
Man, you’d think that atheism was something people discriminated against. As if one brilliant expose wasn’t enough, the author repeats the feat with those gay people who happen to share his views on religion, in the article
Also illogical, ignorant, repressed, intolerant… Oh wait, that wasn’t the author’s confession?
What dollar amount would you put on just one drop of God's Holy blood?
The dollar just doesn’t go that far down. Could I use lira instead?
There isn't enough money in the entire universe... And, you would spit on His blood…
Please don’t mix the samples; it makes diagnosing diseases very difficult. Don’t put any other bodily fluids in His blood either, or it will be necessary to request another blood sample from Him.
…That's what you're saying, and doing, if you claim to be a Christian and do not honor and abuse the price paid for your sins.
Forget the price paid for your sins, stop abusing the rules of grammar. I did a double-take and had to read that sentence twice.
A Christian does not fight against homosexuality by running toward it: He must refuse to think about it,
Especially when he goes into details about it on his website.
stop trying to understand and explain his (old) nature; he should destroy all homosexual literature, videos, etc.; apply devises to block access to TV and internet pornography;
But think of all the heterosexual porn which could spark his interest in finding a good theistic woman, like Dr. Laura!
not go to gay bars and gathering places; and, he must cut off gay friends
That sounds scarily like a same-sex Bobbittectomy.
who would lure him back into the homosexual scene. As well, as a Christian, he must stop referring pornography, encouraging youth in this lifestyle, visiting gay web sites, and should even, cancel plans to move to SanFrancisco where the gay lifestyle will destroy any chance of a relationship with God.
SanFrancisco, that great magnet of a city to which all gay men are inevitably drawn. A Christian should move instead to Fred Phelps’s hometown, where he’ll be too harassed to even think of being gay.
A Christian spends much time in prayer and Bible study and gets to know Jesus intimately.
That being the only kind of gay relationship a Christian can have?
I can't divorce a relative and wouldn't want to. I'll always love you and be here for you; but, as I'm sure your mother would say, "When you come to visit, call or write, don't bring that trash around here!"
But, Mom, these Chick tracts are practically collectibles! They probably supplied the author with all of his information on AIDS, too, since he goes into groundbreaking medical detail in the article
You know they’re FACTS because he doesn’t need to provide references or specifics – the capslock is all the convincing anyone should need.
FACT #1 -- In a recent television report, by a national liberal news station,
broadcast in a modern country, narrated by an unspecified person, on a certain day…
it was estimated that as many as 78% of gay persons in the United States practice, endorse, accept, or quietly support adults having sex with children.
And the remaining 22% ARE the children.
FACT #2 -- Aids was "perpetrated" on the citizens of this world by men and women who practice sodomy! It is their "gift" to the decent, clean, honest, moral heterosexual community.
And did the decent, clean, honest, moral heterosexual community have the good manners to pass the “gift” around for everyone’s use, or did they keep it to themselves like selfish pigs?
On top of this, they want our help and money to fight "this terrible disease". It is a waste of our resources and even attention.
Hence the coverage it receives on The Eternal Quest.
…When God warned about this He knew improper and unnatural sex was a destructive to the family unit. Again they have said: "I don't care what God says!" They have shook their fist in His face.
And that was the entirely wrong orifice for fist work.
Aids is a virus;
It jumps from computer to computer, devastating the Internet. Come quickly, Lord!
and, with all of our medical knowledge,
Gleaned, in the author’s case, from several dozen years’ worth of cereal box tops.
A CURE HAS NEVER BEEN FOUND FOR ANY VIRUS!
THE AUTHOR STILL HAS SMALLPOX!
In Kenya, 1-in-4 is HIV positive; in the U.S., 1-in-1,000 has contracted this plaque.
And they have proceeded to display it prominently in their living-rooms! May God have mercy on their souls.
The ONLY way to stop it is to make sodomy a crime (against humanity), outlaw homosexuality, refuse to pay medical benefits for new Aids claims (unless innocently contracted by transfusions, etc.), and recognize that God is right.
Especially when He inspires the author to describe a world of brutal intolerance, probably known in Mooreland as Heaven.
FACT #3 -- God knew what He was talking about when He warned about the practice of sodomy between men, women, and beasts!
An interspecies threesome? I don’t think I’ve come across that, in fiction or in real life, but obviously the author knows more about this sort of thing than I do. He certainly has more insight into the thought processes of his deity-of-choice, as he describes in the article
“I will sacrifice Myself, in the person of Jesus: being conceived by My Spirit, thus carrying the Divine bloodline (men contribute the blood portion of DNA in births),
If God’s idea had been to study human reproduction, that might have been even greater, though perhaps less beneficial for His ego.
and born of Mary, thereby providing the human element…”
Wow, if not for Mary, Jesus would have been inhuman, an android-like god who wouldn’t have been fully functional with Earth girls. Oh wait, that might explain the fixation on homosexuality.
The last rant of The Eternal Quest was, originally enough, against people who own firearms for their personal use. They’re wrong, not as wrong as gay people or atheists, but still horribly misguided, because according to the author
NO ONE SHOULD OWN A GUN!
I get the impression that Mr. Moore, like Bart Simpson, often had to write lines in school and it became an unbreakable habit.
If only the Law and supremely responsible people had permission to have guns, then only criminals would break the law if they had and used them. Only then, would criminals be hurt and punished, not innocent people. Certainly, there would be the rare innocent victim of crime,
As opposed to what, the medium-rare guilty victim of crime?
but not the thousands per year that there are now!
Guns are meant for one purpose -- to kill living things!
And all this time I’ve been thinking that guns were for blasting roadkill and street signs. Well, thanks for setting me straight, Sherlock.
People that have or want to have guns are intent on killing.
Mr. Moore psychoanalyzes police officers from a safe distance and delivers a startling verdict. The next time you see a cop car bearing down on you, run! Run for your life!
Killing is a criminal act.
I’m not sure that being this crazy is entirely legal either.
When, WHEN, will we stand up in America for what is right to do and do it?
Never, NEVER, now go and play with your Crayolas.
Don't e-mail me -- THINK about it!
Someone has to THINK and it sure as sunrise won’t be the author. The Eternal Quest was aptly named; it purports to aim high but falls lower than any other website I’ve seen, burdened with every fallacy of reasoning known to humankind and quite a few humankind might not even have been aware of before now. I have to congratulate the author on his tireless efforts to put together a compendium of the tasteless, the intolerant and the wildly inaccurate (we’re talking National Enquirer-level material here); there’s no need to continue the Quest, because the author has reached Eternal level. No less, no Moore.
Till next week, everyone!