Hello everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and according to the Nut of the week, I’m apparently the host to several demonic entities as well. As are we all. Just call me Legion. Call me thoroughly delighted as well, because it’s not very often that I find a site which is hilarious all by itself – mostly inoffensive, completely delusional and always funny. Many thanks to Janaya, who suggested this, and without further intereference from the demons of procrastination, let’s get down to the circus, because this week’s Nutwatch takes on the clown of Christianity known as
I could be wrong, but I think this has something to do with deliverance. On the main page of the Deliverance Ministry, a mournful MIDI plays over and over, as is customary of the most maudlin sites, and a string of letters chases your mouse pointer around, spelling out : “I command my demons to leave… in the name of Jesus”.
Jesus said "THOSE THAT BELIEVE" shall be a Demonbuster (Mark 16:17). Are you a Believer?
I believe Egon was the sexiest of the lot.
Yes or no?
If I say yes, will I get a jumpsuit and a proton pack? The authors of this web site have certainly been inspired by a ghost – except that it’s more likely to be Slimer than the holy variety, as evidenced by their logo :
We are located near Jackson, Mississippi
But far away from Hell, Michigan and Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
1. To become a REAL Christian (True Worshiper) (Believer)
(Pot Luck Provider) (Creation Champion)
2. Cast OUT your own demons
They may be disguised as grey matter within your cranium. Don’t let that fool you.
4. Break and return all curses to the sender on a DAILY basis
Well, at least you admit that the curse was not damaged beforehand or during shipping. No refund for you, buddy.
All this information is provided free of charge - NOTHING TO BUY.
You get what you pay for.
THERE IS NO HATE ON OUR SITE, BUT SOME PEOPLE HATE TO READ IT.
The authors’ mothers, no doubt. “Where did we go wrong?”
Know this - EVERYONE has demons, ESPECIALLY CHRISTIANS.
I feel redundant.
Have you ever looked right in the eyes of a demon and told the demon to take a hike? I have! Have you ever been growled at by a demon when you walk by them in a restaurant and church? I have!
This must have been one of those demons that possess dogs.
If you are not seeking help for yourself, you should stop reading right here. Otherwise, your demons will get stirred up, especially your RELIGIOUS and SPIRITUAL demons.
And they will manifest themselves as LAUGHTER, or maybe even the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Now that you have read or heard all the "milk" sermons all your life, you are about to read the real "meat" of Christianity.
The humility is palpable. I can’t wait to meet the meat, so to speak.
Would you like help from being Depressed? Abused? Afraid? Tormented? Suicidal? Sick? Alcoholic? Addict? Obese? Homosexual (gay, lesbian)? Witch? Satanist? Brotherhood? Want out of the occult or a cult? Hooked on porno? Dying?
Dying as a result of any or all of the above, or just dying because that’s what inevitably happens to human beings?
OCD? MPD? DID?
WTF?
Molester? Self-Abuse? Bi-polar? Etc.?
Etc, definitely Etc. I’ve always had this problem with Etc.
You must want help to receive this help.
The first step is to admit that we are powerless over demons…
You must also be a "TRUE WORSHIPER" (John 4:23) ("REAL" CHRISTIAN)
This could start a whole new series of self-help books – Demons who love too much; Men are from Mars, Demons are from Hades; I’m OK, You’re Possessed…
CAUTION: A few people have reported that while reading portions of our DELIVERANCE material, some demons have manifested in them in various ways.
To wit : uncontrollable snickering.
If this happens, pray this: "FATHER, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, I BIND THE DEMONS ATTACKING ME, AND I COMMAND THEM TO LEAVE ME NOW, IN THE NAME OF JESUS."
Unfortunately the demons were never ordered, in the name of Jesus, not to return, in the the name of Jesus. I think we can safely assume, in the name of Jesus, that after bumming around the planet for a while, in the name of Jesus, the demons made like homing pigeons and came right back, in the name of Jesus.
In the name of JESUS, I cover myself and the one reading this with the Blood of JESUS. I ask for giant warrior angels to protect us. As your war club and weapons of war I break down, undam, and blow up all walls of protection around all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, and the like, and I break the power of all curses, hexes, vexes, spells, charms, fetishes, psychic prayers, psychic thoughts, all witchcraft, sorcery, magic, voodoo, all mind control, jinxes, potions, bewitchments, death, destruction, sickness, pain, torment, psychic power, psychic warfare, prayer chains, incense and candle burning, incantations, chanting, blessings, hoodoo, crystals, and everything else being sent my way, or my family member's way, or any DELIVERANCE Ministries way, and I return it, and the demons to the sender, SEVENFOLD, and I bind it to them by the Blood of Jesus, and I cut their ungodly silver cord and lay lines , in JESUS' Name.
I think I’ll just leave this one as it stands. Can’t improve on perfection. But just in case words need to be accompanied by actions, Deliverance Ministry offers some practical tips on how to expel demonic influences from your life, in the article
One night when my wife was complaining to me about the child's insolence, out of nowhere I said, "Her problems are those stinking doll babies, it's witchcraft".
The “doll babies” were promptly disciplined with a Speak Softly Spanking Stick and the child was told, “Next time, it’ll be you!”
The Lord began to show us the legal grounds Satan held. It was in his dolls!
The child is question seems to have changed its gender – further evidence of demonic posssession.
He had received one for Christmas and a small plastic boy sailor doll at birth. The Lord also told my husband of various stuffed toys (in shapes of animals - whales, dogs and kangaroos), a plastic toy "Big Bird" and matching bib. These were thrown away…
Amazing they weren’t burned at the stake lest they come back, a la Chucky. But speaking of the tools of witchcraft, we get an insight into the evil purposes of Satanists (it’s the same thing) in the article
Twelve Things Satanist Pray (or say) for Daily…
5. That Christians stop fasting and praying.
Because if Christians fasted for too long they would probably die from lack of food. Wait, whose side are the Satanists on again?
11. That the next generation will be murdered
Picard! Data! Nooo!
and not come into their generational destiny.
As seen in the episode “All Good Things”. Man, I miss that show.
Whenever I see a black bird outside through the window, or just several times during the day, I say, "Father, in the name of Jesus, I cut and burn all the ungodly silver cords." Silver cord is the term they use that connects their body to wherever their "visiting".
I wonder what the author says when he sees a bird that’s only half black. Or a black animal. Or a black person, for that matter.
If your "visitor" is human in disguise, they will disappear immediately when you pray this. The silver cord is how they are "traveling". It really clips their feathers. Remember, THEY are out to do you harm.
If your “visitor” is an actual human, they might still disappear immediately when you say this. Remember, normal humans do not want to associate with loonies. It really wastes their time. But if the “visitor” refuses to disappear, just warn them that you’re going to open
The demons know what THE BOX is, and they don't want to be put in it. Don't look for THE BOX. It is a Spiritual thing - invisible to us. Anointing oil represents the Holy Spirit. THE BOX represents confinement for the demons.
Demons thus confined may appeal their sentences. However, no conjugal visits are allowed – we don’t need any little demons running around.
The natural mind cannot understand these spiritual things. How can Jesus live INSIDE of us? He does. How can demons live INSIDE of us? They do. How can an invisible BOX trap demons? It does.
This must be the spiritual equivalent of the Havahart trap (or the box in which the Ghostbusters trap their victims). I wonder if the BOX is opened in a safe location and the demons released? The BOX must be the spiritual equivalent of the Titanic, anyway, since there are apparently millions of demons out there, and they are all lovingly listed in the
THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF SOME DEMONS. USE A THESAURUS AND CAST OUT ALL THE NAMES (DEMONS) LISTED FOR THE SUBJECT YOU LOOKED UP… THE DEMONS LISTED BELOW HAVE BEEN CAST OUT OF PEOPLE OVER THE YEARS.
ACNE
This demon preys specifically on teenagers. It should not be confused with ACME, a demon commonly seen in children’s cartoons.
BLACKWELL, upper ranks of mind control family
What is with Deliverance Ministry and the color black?
CAFFEINE-PROMOTES TUMORS
Has your tumor worked for years without promotion? Does your tumor’s job title no longer reflect his/her skills and responsibilities? See CAFFEINE to correct this situation.
CANCER-BROUGHT ON BY BITTERNESS AND UNFORGIVENESS
And caffeine.
COMPULSIVE EATING
This must be when you do it three times a day, with smaller bouts of eating in between, instead of fasting like a good Christian.
CONCEPTION IS LUST
Unless it takes place in test tubes or breeding vats. Let’s hear it for the Brave New World of Demonbusting Christianity.
CRYING
So I guess that when Jesus wept, he had a demon. Man, you learn something new every day.
DEMONS IN HAIR
These should be removed with Occam’s Razor.
DEJAVU
I think I’ve been possessed by this demon before.
DRUNK AT CHURCH
On Communion wine? I don’t think its alcohol content is high enough.
FEAR OF GOD
Ah, so that’s why Christians are especially prone to demons. Hey, I’m just happy to find internal consistency in a Nut of this caliber.
FEVER
What, like the song?
FRIGIDITY
See also “Headaches”.
INEPTNESS
Is there any condition for which we are held responsible, instead of demons?
Thorazine, anyone?
MIND CONTROL (OBERION) a commander prince from behind the sun.
Let me introduce you to Xenu and his followers, also from outer space…
SPRITE - SOFT DRINK - A KIND OF ELF OR GOBLIN
Well, that does make sense… sort of. Since most of these demons appear to be covered in excruciating detail by this site, I picked one of them at random :
Remember that the Lord Jesus Christ is in the DELIVERANCE business and it is His desire that you be free from the bondage of DIABETIC spirits. I want to establish from the very onset that I'm not advising you to set aside your medication
“Because when I did, there were these lawsuits. Really nasty lawsuits! And even when I prayed, the lawyers didn’t vanish!”
or to cease taking insulin or any other prescription that the witchdoctor has prescribed for you,
Witchdoctor? Who’s writing this, Kunta Kinte?
but I am saying to you that in this dispensation of the church in the spiritual warfare that we are all involved in and the state that the world is in today, we are going to have to re-evaluate some of the things we are bound to for existence
If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. Or at least try to.
The word DIABETES means: running through, as if a spirit is running through your body.
Now that we’ve established that diabetes is caused by a spirit (i.e. a demon), all the remains is to find out what type of spirit/demon it is.
Now a squid has ten (10) arms and an octopus has eight (8) arms. In the study of mind control we found out there was an octopus type spirit with 8 arms. With a squid type spirit it has 10 arms and such is the case with the spirit of DIABETES.
It also has two little legs on which it does the aforementioned running. Really, people, don’t forget important details like that!
As a little footnote: Type I DIABETIC - you have to take insulin injections. There's a curse for breaking the skin of your body.
So you’re screwed either way? But there’s a method in the madness; Deliverance Ministry warns people against dependence on insulin for a very good reason.
Because we are going to reach a time in this country where we are not going to be able to buy and sell unless you receive the mark of the beast. Things are going to be such turmoil and anarchy in the nation that you are not going to be able to get your insulin... So, you are gonna have to start trusting Jesus and this is the time to start doing it.
Get to work expelling those squid-like demons! Watch the spirits running away from the threat of THE BOX!
In summary, this demonhunting site is a delightful read, constantly creative and quaint in its conviction. Deliverance Ministry should consider changing its name to Christianity's Most Wanted (700 and counting imprisoned so far). Either that or Exorcism for Dummies. Now if they only had a few guys like Egon, hey, they could chase my demons out any time.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords