Hi everyone, and welcome to a Nut from the maple tree! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and the first Canadian subject of the Nutwatch diagnoses the debilitating terminal illness of humanity and provides a cure for it : Christianity. This is something only a few hundred thousand people adhere to, apparently, though their devotion to the only true faith will give them the greatest reward possible : godhood. Well, you’re in luck, Canuck, because this week’s Nutwatch stamps the passport of
As opposed to Church of God, on the corner of Third and Woodrow. One member of this cosmopolitan church is Horane Smith, as verbose as Joseph of the same name, though unfortunately not as popular, and he gives his learned opinion on the burning issue of
Because otherwise you’ll feel really gullible?
Our world is desperately sick!
Horane : The world just threw up on me!
In spite of super-technology… our world is not getting any better. We are reminded daily of parents killing children
which is only correct if God orders you to do it, or if God does it himself, presumably because you were too chicken.
and children killing parents, rapists, teenage pregnancies,
These would be pregnancies caused by sex, as opposed to pregnancies caused by the holy spirit.
all manner of sexual perversions, drug traffickers, substance abuse, idolatry, robberies, and the list goes on and on.
But enough about the bible.
Then there is the most devastating form of pollution of all - mind pollution.
At least some of us have minds to pollute.
Millions of our young people are drinking in the filth available to anyone under so-called freedom of expression.
In the marketplace of ideas, the Church of God, International, finds itself outcompeted by filth. Unable to stress whatever benefits his church has over filth, Horane Smith comes up with the far better idea of destroying the marketplace altogether.
Pornographic materials, portraying all kinds of sexual sins, are polluting young minds.
Do these materials mention men having sex with their wives’ maids? Do they praise a woman’s breasts? Do they go so far as to speak of aphrodisiac plants? Then they are the Old Testament and should be allowed to pollute away.
The seeds of destruction are being sown.
Hopefully they’re being sown in someone’s brother’s wife, rather than being spilled upon the ground.
Indeed, our world is sick!
Our world is sick, damnit! How many times does Mr. Smith have to say this before someone takes the world’s temperature, presumably with a giant thermometer stuck all the way into a volcanic vent?
Many Canadians fail to realize this and accept it as part of the changes that a modern society must go through. Doesn't your Holy Bible tells you that the heart of a man is "desperately wicked,' and it devises evil things?
The word of the day is “desperately”, brought to us by Horane Smith. Desperately, adv. : a modifier applied to any description of sin, evil, etc. in order to make the audience realize that these make Baby Jesus positively hysterical.
Many of our so-called bright scholars and thinkers, in seeking solutions to these problems, don't have a need for God, because they don't even believe he exists.
Even though he tries to disabuse them of this notion by sending the Church of God, International, to convince people that “I should be needed, therefore I am”?
How can they call on whom they don't believe in? asks the bible. Indeed, the fool says in his heart there is no God.
The even greater fool says it aloud and is promptly stoned to death. It’s natural selection in action.
Friends, this is one statement millions would reject today.
What, exactly, would millions reject? The assertion that there is no god? The statement that anyone who says “there is no god” is a fool?
Yet it's a true statement - very true. In the fullness of time this dying world will come to see it. The only solution to the current problems of today's world is the Kingdom of the Most High God.
Every king needs a court jester, and I think I just met God’s.
Despite what others may say, there is ONLY ONE WAY to salvation - its through the precious blood of Jesus, the risen Christ.
I have a vision of the precious blood of Jesus, the risen Christ, filling a vast Olympic-sized pool through which we backstroke, while God waits at the other end yelling, “Salvation! Whoever gets here first!”
The New Testament teaching on the Second Coming is not shrouded in secret. It's plain and simple.
Well, if Mr. Smith considers the Book of Revelation to be “plain and simple”, he’s evidently far beyond the league of the so-called scholars and thinkers, hence his disdain for them. This is why he, along with the rest of the Church of God, are soon to receive their true place in the universe, as described by Troy Craig in the article
Yes, sin and the ways of this world is very attractive!
Grammar? What are grammar, Teacher?
It is pleasant to the eyes. It is like a fast shiny new sports car!
Let me guess, Troy… when she opened her door and saw your beat-up old clunker, you knew you wouldn’t be getting more than a peck on the cheek that night.
The pleasures of this world and the lust of the flesh can blind a person to the real reason that man has been placed here on this earth.
It’s a planetwide chess game, and God needed pawns.
The only thing that almost all people are concerned about is having a good time and making lots of money.
These must somehow be inherently evil, if almost all people want them. Perhaps true glory lies in being miserable and bankrupt, and also brainless.
Now Satan is the destroyer, his goal is to destroy all humanity.
Cleverly, he uses God to do that for him, by sending floods, plagues and so on.
He is a sadist, taking pleasure in the suffering of human beings.
Even the kind of suffering that one offers up to God? Poor Mother Teresa, I’ll bet she never realized that Satan was deriving such delight from her ministry, though now she probably does.
Nothing makes him happier than to watch humans, through his influence murder and war against one another… Satan watches with great joy, as people die a slow painful death through disease and starvation.
Satan’s not the only one in great joy; the author seems to be enjoying himself almost as much.
Why? Why is Satan so determined to eliminate the human race?
He’s building an intergalactic highway and Earth just happened to be in the way.
Why does Satan hate man so much that he takes joy in our suffering and death? The answer to this is because Satan hates God!
Satan also hates fluffy bunnies and sodie pop. Let’s just take it for granted that Satan hates anyone and anything and move on from there.
And because God Created man in his image and likeness (Genesis 1:26). Man is to one day become children in His Kingdom to inherit with Jesus, all things.
So if the meek inherit the earth, who inherits all things? The meeker? The meekest? It’s going to be a non-battle of biblical proportions; loser takes all!
Before he was known as Satan, he was an archangel who stood over the Throne of God,
and regularly gave it a golden shower.
and His name was Lucifer. Now Lucifer was perfect in every way,
Just like Mary Poppins.
until lawlessness was found in him. Lucifer, whose name then became Satan, meaning “adversary” after his failed attempt to overthrow God,
God was just too large; sumo wrestlers had nothing on Him! Lucifer crashed to the mat under His divine weight, and when he came around, the ref had declared God the winner.
became filled with hatred and violence. Wanting to destroy God and all that is God!
Who’d have thought it, Highlander was right. There can be only one immortal!
Most Christians would say calling ourselves gods is blasphemy,
But most devotees of Valentine Michael Smith would grok your point of view.
but the Word of God says otherwise… Jesus Himself stated that “You (Man) are gods”, members of the God family.
Phylum omnipotentia, kingdom supernatura. All members of the God family belong to the same kind, so presumably the man -> God change is adaptation, not evolution.
Don’t take it wrong, we will never replace or have the same power as God. God will be our Father and Jesus our Elder Brother.
I’d love to introduce the Church of God, International, to every fundamentalist who believes that we’re going to marry Jesus some day. Perhaps if I search hard, I’ll find some other loony who thinks that in heaven, Jesus will be the great-grandfather of our mother-in-law’s third cousin once removed. Anything to be related to him, I suppose.
Not only are we going to be kings and priest, but also we will even judge the angels! (1 Corinthians 6:3)
So much for all that nonsense about being meek, lowly and humble. The be-all and end-all of human existence is to become a king, a priest and a judge simultaneously, sort of an unholy trinity.
Now here is another reason Satan and his demons hate the human race. Not only are we going to be children of God, inherit eternal life, become kings and priest ruling with Jesus, but also we are going to judge the angels. That includes Satan and his fallen angels.
What’s there to judge? Do they get to plead their cases? Are any of them going to be found innocent? Perhaps we’ll just get a thrill out of rubberstamping “Hell and damnation” on their case files.
For this reason Satan is more determined to get rid of the human race. For Satan knows that the wages of sin is death for eternity (Romans 6:23), and when judged by man, Satan and his demons will be found guilty and sentenced.
When judged by God, he receives a lollipop and a pat on the head. Such are the tragedies of senility.
Satan will be consumed by fire with all those who are rebellious towards God.
And God will greatly enjoy the scent of burning angel. “Mmm… smells like chicken! Hey, Jesus, go down and cut me a slice, will you?”
Now you can see why Satan is determined to rid himself of us. No judges! No judgement!
Yes, with humans gone, God will wring his hands in impotent misery at his own inability to judge anyone. Perhaps Jesus will try to comfort his helpless father, while the Holy Ghost proffers a corner of its white sheet as a handkerchief.
There is a small group of people that Satan has taken a very keen interest in.
They are called the Beastie Boys, and he is particularly enamored of Michael Diamond.
These people are called Christians and Satan is very interested in them!
So is Jesus, who according to other sources wants to marry them. It’s the age-old eternal triangle – god falls in love with man, god loses man to devil, etc.
Even though there are about two billion people who profess to be Christians only a small fraction of these people are True Christians… only a few hundred thousand True Believers.
We are not told what the rest of the two billion are. Jehovah’s Witnesses, maybe? Baptists?
Satan hates all Christians, but this very small group of Christians he hates even more because they also keep God’s true Sabbath and other holy days, such as
Groundhog Day, when animals everywhere emerge from their holes in memory of Jesus once doing the same thing.
Passover, Days of Unleavened Bread, Pentecost, Day of Atonement and the Feast of Tabernacles.
This might explain why the numbers of True Christians are so low. The Holocaust killed six million of them, after all.
Yes, Satan and his angels are very interested in Christians. Like God, they too want a relationship with Christians, but this relationship is not a honorable one.
The author sounds like he’s warning Tess of the d’Urbervilles not to sleep with the villain.
We are on his hit list,
There’s the God and there’s the Godfather.
and he will do what it takes to bring us down. That is why we must be vigilant, always watching and always praying that we do not become Satan’s victims.
“Some day the tables will be turned and he’ll be our victim. Then we can make him squirm and plead for mercy.”
In this sin sick world we need to go on our knees…
then bend over, put our heads against the floor, push off with our feet and turn a somersault. Next week, we’ll master the uneven bars.
Satan is a very powerful spirit being he transmits his evil influence into the thoughts of every human being (Ephesians 2:2)…
except for those wearing aluminium hats and singing “I’m A Little Tea-Pot”.
Remember God is much more powerful than Satan is, He can crush Satan like an ant!
He just doesn’t want to, because that’s our job. When we get to heaven, we can crush Satan like an ant too! Isn’t God nice, to save up that treat for us?
The sins of this world have become so great that God; the very Creator of mankind would have to destroy His creation (Genesis 6: 5-7. Yes because of the sin and wickedness of man, God had no other choice but to put an end to humanity.
It must have greatly disappointed him to lose so many potential judges, but presumably he just shrugged and said, “there’s more where that came from.”
Throughout the bible we can read how God destroyed societies because of their sinful and wicked ways. God destroyed cities and sent in armies to slay the wicked.
Including the wicked unborn, the wicked children and the wicked animals. Perhaps that’s why the world is so sick : these days, we allow evil babies and perverted cows to live.
Let it be known that sin is so serious God commands that the offenders be put to death.
Unless the offender is Satan, in which case he’s allowed to run around causing problems for everyone else.
By returning to a life of willful sinning… deliberately turning away from God, the offender… has not only slapped the Father and our Savior in the face
thereby forcing them to turn the other cheek, just as Jesus said in the New Testament.
…but that individual has also forfeited salvation guaranteeing that he or she will has his or her part in the lake of fire…. Remember this; the Father is full of love and mercy.
And the article is full of something else.
Jesus said “ Behold, I am coming quickly…”
This does not bode well for anyone wishing to marry Jesus at the bridal supper of the Lamb, though after reading a further work by Horane Smith, I can certainly see why Jesus made such a bold and intimate confession. It’s a tale of love and longing; it’s the first fanfic the Nutwatch encountered; it’s the Thomas-Kinkade-in-print story called
…only have a brain.
The eyes of Rebecca, a middle-aged woman of Gadarena, a small village along the rugged coastline, followed the eagle as it flew past her window…
Rebecca : Come back, eyes! Come back!
She was a troubled woman; troubled because of this mysterious sickness that had been a menace in her life for the past twelve years. Repeatedly, Rebecca… had gone to Ozi, Gadarena' s lone physician, only to be told there wasn't much he could do.
His wife, Harriet, couldn’t help either.
"You have an issue of blood, my dear," and there isn't much I can do about it: he had told her on the first trip.
“But please, keep coming back. I have nothing better to do than purify myself after I’ve been made ritually unclean by a bleeding woman.”
The presence of the eagle reminded her that today was the day Jesus of Nazareth would be passing through the village.
The eagle looked like a golden eagle, which reminded her of gold, which sounded a bit like “god” if you took away one letter, and Jesus of Nazareth claimed to be god, though of course that was blasphemy, so she found a few rotten turnips to throw at him.
She got word yesterday from a relative that he would be passing there on his way from Galilee, where this Jesus is said to have showed healing powers never seen before.
He had put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Reports circulating all over the land said he had let the blind see, the dumb speak, the crippled walk, and then there was the most incredible of all he had raised someone from the dead.
Rebecca had never seen a zombie before and was eager to find out what the undead were like.
As Rebecca got dressed to begin their walk into the town, her mind was on nothing else but this Jesus "If I could…"she told herself. "If I could only touch him, I think I can be healed."
“And even if I can’t be healed, I’ll still enjoy the experience. It’s win-win!”
"It's him! It’s him!" Rebecca said, excitement building up in her voice. Mathias was surprised to see his wife smiling again.
“Gosh, Rebecca, when did you grow those fangs?”
It had been a long while now since her round and lovely face offered that expression.
Considering that she’s been bleeding for twelve years, she’s surprisingly robust, even plump. Perhaps she’s a victim of Beth March Syndrome, wherein the sufferer grows more beatific as the disease worsens.
"If I could…if I could only touch the hem of his garment, I would be made whole," she said to Mathias.
Rebecca took advantage of that opportunity to reach within touching distance of this simple looking young man…
So he looked simple, did he? “Hi, my name’s Jesus, Jesus Gump.”
Rebecca made a step, then another, and another. As Rebecca did, her outstretched hand guided her toward her target.
I’m not going to touch that one, since Rebecca is doing enough touching for all of us.
"One more step," she told herself, " and this wretched blood problem will disappear from my body." And Rebecca did just that. She felt her fingers as they touched his white silky garment.
And then she pulled it up sharply, giving Jesus the wedgie of his life.
Suddenly, Jesus looked around "Who touched me?" he asked calmly.
“Was it you, James?” he asked somewhat less calmly. “I… perhaps we should go to the nearest inn to discuss this.” He swallowed hard. “In private.”
”Somebody has touched me; for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me," Jesus replied.
Damn right virtue’s gone out of you, you poor groped man. Any more fondling and you would have been in no condition to bear the sins of the world, which would have made your future kings, judges, priests and gods even more depressed and fearful than they seem already. If I ever needed evidence that there was no god, it would be the continued existence of the Church of God, International. No self-respecting god could let itself be represented by these (anti)social climbers.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords