Hello everyone, and welcome to an all-new Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and I hope you’re all prepared for one last dose of Halloween, because this week’s Nut is about as strange, frightening and disgusting as they come. A few years ago, in a book about cults, I read about the Worldwide Church of God, founded by Herbert Armstrong (sometimes it seems like the smaller the ministry, the more grandiose the name). This church eventually broke up, much like an eggshell cracking, but out came its progeny, perhaps even more delusional and barbaric. Of course, this church believes that it alone is the way, the truth and the light, while mainstream Protestantism is the spawn of Satan, and Catholicism is probably Satan himself. But what really puts the new church into the Nut Hut are their views on the training (I can’t call it raising) of children. Without further ado, let’s brace ourselves for a close encounter of the lunatic kind, because this week’s Nutwatch takes on

Church of the Great God

As opposed to… the not-so-great God? The less-than-stellar God? The God of Very Little Brain?

The Church of the Great God, mindful of its unimaginably tragic history, tries very hard to set the record straight about what destroyed its predecessor.

Why did the Worldwide Church of God break up?

With the introduction of many false doctrines in the late 1980s and early 1990s, the administration of the church turned the WCG into an evangelical Protestant denomination.

With bible studies and pot luck dinners for all, thereby leading to the church’s corruption and downfall. But, phoenix-like, the Church of the Great God arose from the ashes to answer the question of

What is mankind’s ultimate destiny?

Jesus answers the question in John 10, where He tells the Jews, "Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, "You are gods"’?"…

So Jesus was a Robert Heinlein character? I can grok that.

We believe that God is a Family, currently composed of two Persons, the Father and the Son, Jesus Christ.

Single-parent families are de rigeur in Paradise.

God is reproducing Himself

God, the divine bacterium.

through individuals growing into the very image and likeness of God.

It’s a cosmic cloning project. I just have a couple of questions : when an individual grows into the very image and likeness of Borg – I mean God – the new God can no longer be considered an “individual”, can it? And since it now has all the powers and attributes of the original God, does it now get its own universe to rule? The Church of the Great God is silent on that topic, although they do have a few comments to make about


and why potential Gods should never celebrate them.

First, the biblical examples of birthday observances are negative (see Genesis 40:20-22; Matthew 14:6-10). Both involve executions—death.

Death is only a good thing if it happens to Jesus, in which case it should be imagined, described, rhapsodised about, painted, Photoshopped, glorified and forever remembered.

Second, birthday celebrations are fundamentally selfish in that all attention is focused on the self and "getting" presents and congratulations.

Of course, this does not apply to church, where all attention is focused on the God, and his “getting” money and praise.

God, on the other hand, wants us to learn to give, to have outgoing concern, to think of others better than ourselves… parties, gifts and excessive praise (especially for children) should be avoided.

In case you’re feeling sorry for any children indoctrinated into this Oliver Twist-like workhouse of a church, rest assured that the fun hasn’t even started. In order to produce an acceptable preGod from the worthless starting material that is a child, the Church of the Greater God describes the various

Methods for disciplining children

Spanking should be the one we turn to first and most often. It does something that the other ones don’t do; and that is, it gets their attention!

And that of Social Services, further proof of the godlessness of this world.

A ping pong paddle across some kid’s bony butt is going to shatter; but a fly-back paddle is a little bit thicker. It’s normally about a quarter inch thick; and it can withstand years and years of parental discipline…

If it doesn’t, invest in a cricket bat. Now that stands up to balls traveling at high speed, so there’s no way a kid’s bony butt will break it!

And this is especially good on older adolescents who have become use to the slap of the hand.

I really wonder at what age physical punishment stops being appropriate. Maybe it could be scaled back if the victim is pregnant or ill? And a hard blow with a wooden paddle might not be such a good idea if the spankee has osteoporosis.

Also, a spanking should be calmly given. Not in a fit of anger; but given in a manner [somewhat] like an executioner in a movie, or whatever. His face is placid. That’s his job.

Yes, forget all that silly, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” stuff.

If the punishment for the first offense of bringing a weapon to school was five lashes on the butt with a cane, and the punishment was carried live on the six o’clock news; there’d be an end of weapons being brought to schools.

The weapons would be brought to the newsrooms instead.

Children, especially boys, are born barbarians.

And some of them apparently never grow out of it.

We wouldn’t kill a kid for it; but if he forsakes the way and does not get harsh correction, it may end up killing him—because his own actions will lead to his own destruction.

Love your enemy, but hit your child,
So he or she won’t grow up wild.
Bruises heal, sometimes quite well,
But no soul can escape from hell!
Don’t ever try to spare the rod
That’s no way to raise up a God.
And you’ll be thanked for bones you broke,
Once you get him back from the foster folk.

My neighbor once said, "Did you know that all children are born with their brains in their butts?"

No, that’s fundies, not children.

And I said, "No." And he said, "Yeah, the parent’s suppose (sic) to spank it up into their heads."

What was the neighbor’s last name, Menendez? Of course, the Church of the Great God is willing to admit that spanking doesn’t always work as well as some other methods.

Some children are stoic... maybe they’ll whimper, or maybe one tear will drop down his cheek. Well, he’s willing to endure it; but I don’t think it’s probably getting through. So you, as the parents, have to be creative. Find something that the child values and take it away.

Such as food or clothing? But since that might cause problems with people who just don’t understand the proper methods of rearing a God-fearing, er, God, you could always try to be more specific with the spanking.

If the hand touches (and you said, "No."), then smack the hand. If the lips speak (and you said, "Be quiet."), then smack the lips. It gets their attention and it directs the punishment directly against the offending member [body part].

I’d hate to see the punishment for masturbation.

This works best on little children, because sometimes they don’t get the connection. Jared [eight months old] loves our CDs at home. Now, we are dumb parents because we have them all directly at his level, where he can get them.

I have nothing to add here. Seriously.

But we figure if we can get thorough this, he’ll never touch these CDs again.

This might also deter him from buying any modern music during his later years – further proof of the wonders of spanking, if any was necessary.

Anyway, we smack his hand a lot. He’s at that time in his life when everything is interesting… Well, we always slap his hands on that, because that’s the thing we want to stop. Now he’s getting a lot better on it. A lot of times he just looks at them with these big eyes.

He’s probably wishing he was a CD, since those are apparently more valuable to his parents.

When our children are in church and they are making a noise (and they shouldn’t be), you can just bop them right on their lips.

If the children have finished teething, consider wearing a boxing glove. You wouldn’t want to hurt your hand on their incisors, after all.

…We don’t want to necessarily make them cry during church—because then you’re defeating the purpose of wanting them to be quiet. But a little smack doesn’t hurt, and it’s directed at the offending member (the mouth, the lips)… And maybe, just maybe, those synapses in the brain will click, "Oh, maybe I should be quiet”… If you need to, this should be followed with a slap on the rear—which John Rosemond calls "the swat absorber."

Your child and your punching bag – but I repeat myelf. However, spanking serves more purposes than simply teaching children how to behave at home and in church.

I don’t know if there is anything more humiliating than getting a spanking. And that’s good. They need to be humbled.

At this point, I’m wondering why worshippers in the Church of the Pathetic Pare– I mean Great God – would bother having children at all, considering that the kiddies are barbaric, willful, proud and noisy during services. All these might very well draw a parent away from closeness to the Great God, and regular applications of force are required to restore that warm relationship – starting from the time the little Lucifers are newborn.

New mothers and fathers need to listen to the sermon too... And a crying, screaming baby that takes the mother (or the father) out is going at cross-purposes to that. So as soon after birth as possible, try to get that kid into the habit of sleeping during service time.

That shouldn’t be a problem, considering how many adults do it.

Now, if the baby makes a fuss, take him out immediately and correct the problem. Paddle his little behind, if he needs that.

Yes, that would really stop an infant from “making a fuss”. It works even better than taking away baby’s allowance or grounding him. But if it’s at all necessary to feed or change the nuisance that’s taking you away from the Great God’s service…

Don’t stay in the Mother’s Room the whole time. And don’t make those trips to the Mother’s Room pleasant in the least. Stick him with a pin if you have to.

Try not to aim for the eyes, though.

(No, I’m just kidding. I don’t mean that!)

Oh, that’s a relief. Ha ha. What a knee-slapper. Man, that was just hilarious.

And after a little while (it won’t happen the first time), you’ll get them into the habit--IF you apply it consistently—so that they treat services respectfully. And they won’t want you to have to get up out of your chair and take them back. That should be the thing that they fear, because they know that when they go out that back door they are going to get it, for taking Mom and Dad away from God.

And into the arms of Satan himself, judging from the response parents are urged to give. Who would have thought that a supposedly Great God could be confined to one building and thwarted by a baby?

Toddlers should continue this habit of sleeping during services.

I wonder if drugs should be prescribed to children in the Church of the Great God. The pastor certainly needs some. But if the two- or three-year-olds cannot be made to sleep during the middle of the day, don’t punch them into unconsciousness (yet), there is another option available.

Toddlers can sit there for two hours and listen to the sermon (or whatever) here just as easily as they can sit for two hours in front of the TV and watch a Disney movie.

Yes, the similarities between church service and a Disney movie are just amazing. They both last for two hours… and both involve singing… and, uh…

Another thing that they should be taught is not to turn around in their chair and stare at the people behind them. A little forceful turning of the head will sometimes work. Sometimes a little slap on the back of the head will work.

I really hope no one does this to infants, especially if the bones in the skull haven’t fused yet. I’d hate to think of their little brains being damaged, though the Church of the Great God does need more worshippers.

They can hold it [their bladders]. They do it for the movies. Now, if it’s a real emergency, fine—take them out. But… don’t let your kids go by themselves.

I thought, “Because you never know if they’re going to be safe from child predators, all alone in a restroom.” Oh, how wrong I was in my (secular) reasoning.

If they have to get up, you go with them; and make them feel your wrath. You are here to listen to, hopefully, God-inspired messages

instead of your kid’s tinkling.

and you are still in God’s presence.

The “wrath” part is therefore most appropriate. Because if you don’t beat your children now, you’ll turn them into

Kid Kid-Killers

Gotta love that alliteration.

The real cause of these school shootings, then, is God’s absence from nearly every sector of American society.

Except the Church of the Great God, which has no shootings to report. Well, that just says it all, doesn’t it?

A most significant factor over the past few decades has been the steady exclusion of all mention of God or religion in the classroom. God has even been banished from graduation ceremonies and football game invocations!

Oh, how the Great God would love to attend a football game. He would cheer for His favorite team, He would enjoy watching the cheerleaders, He would maybe buy all His buddies a six-pack, too! But is He wanted there? Still, rest assured that America is paying for its terrible crimes, as the Church of the Great God assures us in the article

Is God to Blame? (for September 11)

The answer is a resounding “Yea, verily, and praise the Lord!”

Did God see what was happening from the attack’s conception, through its planning and development, to the systematic execution of each step? Of course He did!

“And God saw that it was good.” (Genesis 1:10)

We can definitely consider the tragedies of September 11 as a curse. However, God undoubtedly approved of it, or it never would have happened.

Please make a note of this logic, because it will be disregarded shortly.

This curse hit, and it hit hard. Therefore, we must conclude that there was more than ample justification for it falling upon this nation… Every day in the United States over 4,000 human lives are snuffed out of existence by abortion.

But if these abortions happen at all, doesn’t God approve of them – sort of like the World Trade Center disaster? Still, it’s all starting to make sense now. God doesn’t like killing, so he kills people to show us that killing is wrong!

As a people, we are guilty and fully deserve anything He in His loving wisdom decides to inflict upon us. Most assuredly, we are not innocent victims.

Because we’re all out of the womb, thereby crossing the vaginal barrier that separates the innocent and good from the wicked and evil. (Notice, after all, that the Church of the Great God doesn’t suggest punishing children while they are still in utero.) And if you still need proof of the wickedness of the world, you need look no further than the article on


If America were truly a tolerant, free country, the government would allow prayer and the posting of the Ten Commandments in schools and government buildings. Creationism could be taught alongside evolution as a viable explanation of how the universe and life began.

The only two religions in the pastor’s world are Christianity and… non-Christianity. If other religions were allowed to display their doctrines in schools and government buildings, I think the Church of the Great God would feel just as persecuted. Maybe even more so than they do currently, since at least now their (surviving) kids aren’t being exposed to pagan Native American practices or heathen Islamic prayers.

Groups like the Boys Scouts could deny participation to homosexuals or others who do not uphold its moral code.

Wait, I thought this paragraph began with “If America were truly a tolerant, free country…”

As time speeds toward the return of Christ, we can expect religious persecution and even martyrdom to intensify. Society is already humanistic, and human nature "is enmity against God" (Romans 8:7). It is no great leap from the current atmosphere of hostile tolerance to outright violence...

Towards post-born children, since they’re apparently the ones who need it most.

A misstep at any time could plunge America over the edge of tolerance into the abyss of religious persecution.

Persecution, after all, is only persecution when it affects the true Christians – when it happens to anyone else, that’s God punishing them for their wickedness. Luckily, the Church of the Hate God seems to have accepted its role as a small, largely unheard-of cult (rather than a modern-day Inquisition), and contents itself with advocating child abuse and dreaming of the day when its congregants will one day be Gods, even though that kind of ambition got Eve kicked out of the garden. But then again, beating children doesn’t seem to produce either intelligence or compassion – just Gods.

Till next week, everyone!