Hi everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch, which brings you the cream of the crop from the Fundy Fields! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s Nutwatch is dedicated to one of my favorite moderators – phlebas, the man in the little phort, the bane of lcb and an all-round mover and closer par extraordinaire. Of course, this meant that I had to find a suitably over-the-top Nut. Those are all too common, but this one goes way, way beyond usual Nut standards, because this week’s Nutwatch visits the horror(s) known as
I suggest that you have your speakers on to absorb the full glory of this delusional experience. The first thing you hear upon entering this website is the creepy, Bob-like voice of the author, Ken Shaw, saying
Hi and welcome to my web page. I pray you will find Christ on these pages.
It’s like a religious “Where’s Waldo?”
I pray you will be born again. In Jesus’s Mighty Name.
And Mohammed’s Mighty Mouse.
The website’s text tends towards the ungrammatical, the cliched and the highly repetitive. Note, too, that once the speech (mercifully) stops, the constant thudding of a heart is heard in the background. Most fundy websites use fear-based tactics, but Heaven or Hell makes that an art form, albeit a lousy one.
Its your choice. You could be one heart beat from hell.
Why… that explains the heartbeat in the background! Oy vey, I’m converting at once.
REST IN PEACE, OR GO TO HELL, ITS YOUR CHOICE
Argumentum ad Capslock and Repetition. Just in case the page wasn’t irritating enough already, a string of letters chases your mouse pointer and spells out “turn or burn”.
WARNING : This site could be offensive to some religions, I make no apologies because it may be the last good news you read before you die and stand before God for judgement.
Saying this is the last “good news” is like shaving one’s head for the electric chair and calling that a final stop at the beauty salon.
ONE HEART BEAT FROM HEAVEN OR HELL
Right, right, I get it already.
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to Church.
Become a zombie and walk there yourself.
If you are not born again, you are one heart beat from hell
I don’t know about you, but I get the impression that Mr. Shaw judges us all by his own luminosity and therefore thinks we don’t understand something if it isn’t repeated a hundred times.
Please read quickly, and get born again. I don't want you to go hell while your on my WEB PAGE
Presumably after you leave the WEB PAGE, you can “go hell” all you like. Frankly, I was going “Hell!” while I was still on the WEB PAGE.
IT is the same question JESUS is asking today. Whom do you serve?
I serve Jesus. Medium rare with a squeeze of lime.
God is making His final call to those who are willing to accept His Son The Lord JESUS, the bible tells us, that He knew you from the foundations of the world, and He is waiting to see which path you are going to take, Heaven or Hell.
And he hates it when people misuse grammar, run-on sentences are painful to read, he will send you to hell just for that, spelling mistakes are far worse though, they will take you to heaven for all eternity.
The Lord won't send you to hell, you choose to go there, Its your choice
Mr. Shaw’s from the Department of Redundancy Department.
When He came there was no light: when He left there was no darkness
How many Jebuses does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you’ll never stop hearing about how awful it was and how much you owe him for it.
Morality may keep you out of jail, but it takes the blood of Jesus Christ to keep you out of hell.
That reminds me of a (parody) song in the book Not the Bible :
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT JESUS
Will the person who left a jesus in aisle six please report to the lost and found department?
Heaven is a prepared place for a prepared people,
These people have been prepared by marinating for an hour in a mixture of spices; place in a saucepan, cook for twenty minutes and serve immediately.
and they that enter shall find that they are neither unknown or unexpected
As opposed to earth, where few people know Mr. Shaw, and those who do are in the psychiatric profession?
Many have been saved while on this site… Perhaps you are next
Many have either barfed or had epileptic seizures while on this site. Perhaps you are next!
Don't have anything to be thankful for? Check your pulse!
It’s five p.m. Do you know where your pulse is?
I don't care where you came from. what you have done. or what you are doing,
I’ve never seen such consistent misuse of commas and periods. Seriously.
Jesus is able to save you, and give you a new life, never again will you say to yourself, Is this all there is to life, or why was I born.
or who am I, what’s my name, and will you take me home?
Just in case we didn’t get the message from the index page, another section of Heaven and Hell is devoted to the burning question of
Kissing the popes feet, will do nothing for you.
Will kissing any other part of the pope help?
Counting and praying with your beads won't do it.
Counting with your beads? This must be some abacus-worship sect we haven’t heard of yet.
The pope is looking for this site,
Is that his penance for a terrible crime against humanity?
and if God opens his eyes even he might get saved.
Strunk and White could write a whole new book on this one man’s ramblings.
Salvation is free-- but not until you ask for it. Its true my friend
Its a logical impossibility dahling but its what this fundy believes
It is true that if you believe these FACTS with your heart you can be Born again. The heart of a believer affected with the glory of Christ, is like a needle touched by a magnet.
Useless for anything practical and tends to attract other needles.
It can no longer be quite
No longer be quite what? Independent? Rational? Tolerant? It certainly can’t be at all curious, because this page features a large button in the shape of a smiley face and the following
Of course, I pressed the button. This took me to another page where I was told a virus was being transferred to my computer, deleting files, etc. That was really cute. Strangely, I did not feel a surge of overpowering love for Jesus after the experience.
A young man came to see an evangelist with a long list of questions. I will answer all your questions if you will promise me to do one thing, the evangelist said. " what's that?" asked the young man. " It is this," said the minister. Give your heart to Christ, and then come and see me with your questions. "The young man went away, two days later, he returned with a radiant face which told its own story. "Where are your questions?' asked the evangelist. "I have none! The moment I accepted Christ as my Saviour, I had the answer to most of them, and the others appeared so insignificant that no answer to them was necessary. Could this be you?
Sure, if I had a frontal lobotomy.
If you were to die right now, are you sure you would stay out of hell?
I’m sure my liver, kidneys, heart and corneas would wait a little longer to burn.
C’mon, I’ve got some delicious candy in my car, or maybe we could go to my home and play with my cute little puppy…
Thank You Lord I believe I am now saved, and I know if I was to die right now I'd go to HEAVEN
I’ve never encountered anyone so obsessed with the afterlife. But then again, it’s not many people who have direct knowledge of what awaits us after death. Mr. Shaw does, and he takes us with him into
Click on this, and the first thing you will hear is a high, girlish screech, similar to what Michael Jackson might produce were he to see a cockroach skitter across his hyperbaric chamber. The midi that follows isn’t too bad, though – compared to the rest of the “music” on this site. And the first thing you will see is a little cartoon bat, like a pet of the Addams family. The bat skitters around the page at random, probably trying to escape from it. Other tastefully done pictures of ghouls and coffins appear, and then the text :
The following article appeared in the well respected Finland newspaper, Ammenusastia News
Well, Mr. Shaw said it, a poorly done JPG of Ammenusastia News backed him up on it, I suppose that settles it.
“Researchers record the screams of the damned”
Emanating from people forced to read Heaven or Hell.
As a communist I don’t believe in heaven or the Bible but as a scientist I now believe in hell," said Dr. Azzacove. "…we are absolutely convinced that we drilled through the gates of hell!" Dr. Azzacove continued, "…instead of plate movements we heard… the screams of millions of humans!"
So a drill went right through the gates of hell? What are they made of, cardboard? And you’d think that the “millions of humans” (how Dr. Azzacove knew they were humans is a mystery for the ages – did he take DNA samples or something?) would take any chance to get out of there. Not only do they not try to escape, Dr. Azzacove never makes any attempt to help them. Probably because he’s a lousy commie and all.
LISTEN TO THE ACTUAL SOUNDS FROM HELL. Authenticated by the BBC London
The final word on matters theological or scientific.
Hell is Hot, be Cool and go to Heaven
Texas is Hot, be Cool and go to Canada.
The book, Volcanoes, Earth's Awakening (p.91) describes an erupting volcano as "descent into HELL". Thousands of years ago, the Bible described a place called hell in the heart of the earth that matches exactly what science is discovering. YES! THERE IS A PLACE CALLED HELL!
It’s in Michigan, and they’ll even postmark your income tax returns and alimony payments for you.
In Mark 9:46, Jesus Christ says about hell: "Where THEIR WORM dieth not, and the fire is not quenched." Jesus said explicitly — THEIR worm — not a worm, or the worm — but THEIR worm. The Bible teaches that Christians will one day have a body like the Lord Jesus Christ.
Holes and all? This doesn’t sound like such a great deal. Plus, what happens to Christian women? Do they get the male equipment (assuming that Jesus had it, that is)? Maybe this is why Jesus said that in heaven, people don’t marry. It’s one big gay bar up there.
Could it be, as some Bible students teach — that men and women in hell take on the form of their father, Satan (John 8:44)? In Revelation 12:3, Satan is described as a red dragon. Could Jesus Christ be referring to the body lost men and women will have for eternity?
Hey, maybe that makes sense. The holy spirit is supposed to be a dove. And the early bird gets the worm!
… in parts of the ocean floor, the earth’s crust is less than a mile thick. Scientists
who can only be trusted if they’re not working on evolution.
recently discovered cracks on the ocean floor where fire was leaking out. Do you know what they found around these fire-breathing vents in the crust? Eight-foot long worms, found no other place in the world!
And these escaped from hell, did they? We could call this jailbreak the Hell Redemption. Incredible how careless god has gotten these days; you’d think an omnipotent being would secure his prison a whole lot better. But let’s segue into a tour of the cosmic Sing Sing itself, in the delightfully titled article
We have all heard about angels and heaven, now read about a place not often talked about,
A state of mind called sanity?
a place where the majority of the worlds population has gone, and will go for eternity, please don't be one of them.
Damn, obviously not.
Several years ago a book was published, entitled Beyond Death's Door by Dr. Maurice Rawlings. Dr. Rawlings, a specialist in Internal Medicine and Cardiovascular Disease, resuscitated many people who had been clinically dead. Dr. Rawlings, a devout atheist,
This guy really slept in on Sundays, and once he bought a Darwin fish!
He wet ‘em!
He was resuscitating a man, terrified and screaming.
You know, that kind of behavior really doesn’t inspire confidence in the interns, much less the patient.
Each time he regained heartbeat and respiration, the patient screamed, "I am in hell!”
Each time? What was the good doctor doing, knocking the man out again just to hear him squeal?
You'll see HELL. . . You'll smell HELL. . . You'll breathe HELL. . . You'll hear HELL . . . You'll feel HELL. . .
You’ll feel BORED too. I know I do.
It'll be beyond anything humanly imaginable!
But Ken Shaw makes a masterful attempt at recreating it right there on his little website. God bless you, sir. Now take your meds.
ONE DAY YOU WILL DIE, AND IF YOU DIE WITHOUT JESUS YOU WILL GO DOWN A TUNNEL LIKE THIS
An animated gift of a constantly turning spiral is shown, like a hypnosis aid. I assume that at the end of the tunnel, you see a white rabbit muttering that it’s late, and then there’s a hall with a little bottle marked “Drink Me”…
AFTER LOOKING AT THIS FOR A FEW SECONDS LOOK AWAY, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
I notice that I haven’t taken the trash out. <goes to do that>
As you leave your body — you realize something is happening. You hear a sound. . . getting louder and louder. . . screaming . . .weeping. . .wailing. Terror and fear beyond anything you could imagine overtakes you… Your nostrils are filling with the awful stench of burning souls.
Since you left your body behind, you apparently grow a second set of nostrils in order to completely appreciate the soul smell.
Your face ignites from the heat.
Fundamentalists. They’ll burn you in this world and the next.
Your body is now madly thrashing and convulsing from the horrible pain… You begin weeping and gnashing your teeth with the millions. "When will this pain stop?" But you know it will never stop. . . You feel something moving in the darkness. . . something horrible is happening.
Ken Shaw is here too?
"No! No! This can’t be happening" you scream — as your worm is emerging.
I really don’t want to know where the worm is emerging from.
You begin cursing the day you were born.
If you were adopted and don’t actually know this day, you begin cursing a range of days, eg. Friday 27th September 1976 to Tuesday 12th October 1976.
You scream — "Oh God, why didn’t you warn me?"— but you remember the preacher pleading with you to receive Jesus Christ… And you soon realize, that Jesus Christ was right — there is a place called hell. AND YOU ARE THERE — FOREVER!
Bwahahaha!
Now that we’ve disposed of one side of the author’s seesaw of fixation, let’s move on to the other aspect of it; in this case, Mr. Shaw was kind enough to search the bible and produce
These are all backed up with the appropriate bible verses, which I’ve left out for the sake of brevity. According to Mr. Shaw, Heaven
I wonder if “the well respected Finland newspaper, Ammenusastia News” has ever published a corresponding article : Astronomers Record the Misery of the Saved?
God's Throne
Complete with a magazine rack for those long sessions.
Other Thrones
Hopefully one will not have to pay to use them. However, if this is the case, perhaps Christians can ask to be buried with a few coins, like the ancient Greeks with their obols to pay Charon? Think of the agony of holding it for all eternity.
Armies
I could hardly believe that either, but we are assured that in heaven there will also be
Swords
So heaven is a medieval-type civilization - and I use the term loosely - that either does war with other medieval-type societies (perhaps the Worm People of Hades) or just slashes away at its own population, maybe in gladiatorial arenas?
Furniture & Things To Sit On
Just in case you thought you would have to stand or kneel for the whole of eternity.
Stones
Because we all know how obsessed God is with stoning. Unless this is a slang term for testes or something.
Clothing
That is such a relief. I mean, can you imagine hundreds of naked people exposing their Christlike bodies to each other? The mind boggles.
Rivers of Water & Fountains of Water
In case you wondered what else rivers and fountains were normally composed of, we are told that heaven also boasts
A Sea of Glass
This sounds like a Beatles song. Is there also a girl with kaleidoscope eyes?
Coal & Tongs & Smoke
This must be for a divine barbecue, which takes place atop a
Golden Alter (sic)
and if you’re wondering what is served…
Roasted Lamb
Whatever happened to Baby Jesus? Now you know!
Crowns & Gold & All Manner of Precious Stones & All Material Things Like We Have On Earth Only Consisting Of Spiritual Material
I don’t know about you, but I get the impression Mr. Shaw really really wants to be rich – but is terrified that he won’t be able to pass through the proverbial eye of the needle were he to achieve that condition on earth. Or conversely, he lacks the intelligence, talent or luck by which one normally accumulates “gold, precious stones and all material things”. As a result, he is reduced to feverishly repeating his “cry or fry” viewpoint, having little else to say, and trying to spice it up with a number of animated gifs, wav files and flashing texts. And the true horror of this ungrammatical website is that it's mind-numbingly boring in the end. Ken Shaw really did a number on Heaven and Hell - and the Weekly Nutwatch steps back a pace to marvel at the lunacy.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords