Hi everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this edition of the Nutwatch is dedicated to the memory of Stan the missed beachbum. I’m glad I named a character after him, although now I’m sorry I snuffed the character (even though he wasn't a good person like Stan). Anyway, this week's spotlight turns to the top of the fundy echelon, to the biggest acorn of the whole twisted tree; yes, this week’s Nutwatch takes on
This is one of those fire-and-brimstone, frothing-at-the-mouth-like-a-rabid-dog-type sites, with over a hundred articles that overflow with unbelievable venom. It’s not surprising that people like this hate non-christians, because they believe everyone is evil down to the bone, damned from the instant of conception, and unfortunately they teach this to their children as well, since this supposedly "conforms to the Constitution".
Q. Are you then born a sinner ?
A. I was conceived in sin, & born in iniquity.
That’s too bad. I was conceived at home & born in a hospital. Lucky me, eh?
Q. What is your corrupt nature ?
A. My corrupt nature is empty of grace, bent unto sin, only unto sin, and that continually.
This corrupt nature is also prone to exaggeration and redundancy – but so is the whole website. Which indicates Jesus is Lord’s corrupt nature, I suppose.
Q. How doth the ministry of the Gospel help you in this cursed estate ?...
A. By revealing the grace of the Lord Jesus in dying to save sinners, and yet convincing me of my sin in not believing on him, and of my utter insufficiency to come to him, and so I feel myself utterly lost.
No, no, the question was, “How doth the ministry of the Gospel help you”.
This constant harping on the evil of humanity is due to the authors’ belief that
We were conceived in sin and when we come into this world we run to do evil.
Imagine a nursery full of babies all running around yelling, “Evil! Evil! I want to do it, now!”
You do not have to teach a child to do evil. They do it automatically.
You’d think these people would be fervent supporters of abortion.
Of course, there’s only one place for evil people – and the website spells out hell in loving detail. The sermon Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, although written in 1741, is heartily endorsed today by this website, since it portrays a god who could only be described as psychotic – meaning that the authors were definitely created in his image and likeness.
We find it easy to tread on and crush a worm that we see crawling on the earth… thus easy is it for God, when he pleases, to cast his enemies down to hell.
It must have been some other god who said, “Love your enemies.” Or maybe the full quote was, “Love your enemies, but do as I say, not as I do.”
The use of this awful subject may be for awakening unconverted persons in this congregation.
At least he admits that most sermons lull people to sleep.
There is the dreadful pit of the glowing flames of the wrath of God; there is hell's wide gaping mouth open
Either hell’s fallen asleep too, or Jesus wants to come again.
… there is nothing between you and hell but the air; it is only the power and mere pleasure of God that holds you up.
God’s pleasure seems to have lasted a long time. Well, they say a day is as a thousand years for Him, so 0.8 second... that’s still damn long. He must be taking some kind of chemical to prolong the moment. Maybe Spanish fly?
The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire,
Why would anyone hold an insect over the fire? Is the poor insect being toasted for a healthy dinner treat, or is this just another sign of incipient psychosis?
he abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked…
He screams like a girl when He sees you, then scrambles onto the nearest chair with His robes hitched above His knees.
he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire… you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours.
So this creature who supposedly finds us abominable actually killed its own child for us. And we’re supposed to worship it? Convince me of its mental stability first.
If you cry to God to pity you… he will only tread you under foot.
Obviously reverse psychology is in order. Yell at God to tread you under foot – that will confuse Him hopelessly and while he stands there, scratching His head, you can get away.
And though he will know that you cannot bear the weight of omnipotence treading upon you,
So what’s the weight of omnipotence again, and can He decrease it if He needs to fit into a Speedo?
yet he will not regard that, but he will crush you under his feet without mercy; he will crush out your blood, and make it fly
Along with pigs.
and it shall be sprinkled on his garments, so as to stain all his raiment.
I’m amazed He doesn’t drink any of it, considering what a fetish for blood He has.
In case we still aren't ready to fall to our knees, however, there’s a literal hell a-boiling, and THE SPHERE OF HELL tells us all about it; hell is apparently
a round, hollowed-out place in the Earth's core
Populated by lost tribes and dinosaurs.
Scientists say that the Earth's outer crust is less than twenty miles thick,
Wait, scientists can be trusted?
and that beyond that point, there are rivers and lakes of FLAMING HOT LAVA
The last of the red-hot lavas.
or, as the Bible calls it, a "lake of fire" (Rev. 20:15). So, this very moment your eternal soul may be less than twenty miles from the burning fires of Hell!
And your vampiregod’s not there, right?
<starts digging>
The rebels in Numbers chapter 16 went DOWN into the pit. Moses wrote in Deuteronomy 32:22 about a fire in the LOWEST HELL. Amos 9:2 speaks of people trying to DIG down into Hell. So Hell is a REAL PLACE, and it's UNDER YOUR FEET RIGHT NOW, torturing millions of lost souls forever! Think about that!
On the other hand, Jesus tells the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, and the rich man could see into heaven from where he was, which means that heaven’s somewhere down there as well, with a thoroughly crazy god behaving like Caligula...
<stops digging>
Maybe heaven and hell are one and the same for these people. Their entire mindset is so twisted that anything is possible.
The deeply morbid tone of this website continues to an extended treatise on death, where I am informed that
You are a sinner and you WILL die.
My word, this appears accurate! I probably will die some day.
Yes, YOU reader have transgressed the law of God--and you will die as a result.
Not before God’s pleasure is over, remember? Let the poor creature finish its pleasure, for crying out loud.
Is the Lord Jesus Christ the number one thought in your head?
When I stub my toe or drop something, yes, He is indeed, and I honor Him with the use of his secret middle initial, “H”.
Do you know Him? More importantly, does He know you?
In the biblical sense of the word?
If not, you are wicked. The rest of your wicked deeds stem from the fact that you YOU DO NOT LOVE GOD.
You don’t bring Him flowers…
You don't listen to Him in any aspect and you run your life the way you see fit.
I sometimes wonder if fundies are secretly jealous of the fact that other people actually get to make decisions regarding their own lives and their own bodies.
You are rebellious, lawless, and disobedient. I don't care how nice you seem in your appearance and ways, in your soul you are a wicked man. Wicked man, God loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son for our wicked ways.
All that repetition, and I still don’t feel wicked.
Man is full of iniquity--backbiting, rape, perverse conversation, lasciviousness, adultery, fornication, covetousness, murder, torture, stealing, cussing, drugging, pride. Why do you think hell-i-vision is full of whoredom? Because that is what we like.
Not possessing a hell-i-vision, I’m apparently missing out on a lot of whoredom and iniquity here. So, what’s the solution to all this wickedness?
Get yourself a King James Bible (not a "new" King James a regular King James)
The website actually has a long list of reasons why the New King James Version is corrupted (along with the NIV, the RSV and so on). You’d think an omnipotent god would have paid more attention to his Word, but this god must have been busy cackling in glee as he stomped sinners – and atheists in particular…
Blasphemies, wars, famines, and political appointments come and go, but when the dust settles, there's Jesus.
You can see His face semi-clearly in the dust.
And there is nothing you can do about it but breathe out hot air. You will humble yourself before the Lord Jesus or you will be ground to powder.
And used to pat down Baby Jesus after his bath.
After all, if God did not exist, He and His followers would be no enemy to the atheist. We'd just be deluded people.
I’ll leave this one as it stands.
What does the atheist have to offer you? Eternal life? Spiritual comfort? Love? Kindness? Comfort in the midnight hour when no one is around? No, none of these.
Look, just because you never had a sexy atheist to give you love “in the midnight hour when no one is around” doesn’t mean you should generalize your sad life to the rest of us.
He has nothing to offer you but blasphemy, hell fire and the wrath of God.
Since this god’s been having a temper tantrum from Day Seven or so, its pettiness can hardly be blamed on atheism.
Of course, the authors of the website have their own rigid definitions of who is and who isn’t a Christian. If any atheists believe that they used to be Christians, they are assured that
You used to be deceiving yourself and now your true colors have finally come out. Repent or perish.
Pentecostals and Charismatics are also “cultists” who preach a “false, made-up doctrine”. The irony is incredible.
Atheists, agnostics, evolutionists, and false prophets sure do have some big words against the God of the Bible, the true God.
Would you prefer us to speak in smaller words? Are there any “See Dick think” primers?
A lot of them come to this site and even link to us with derogatory remarks which is fine--they know they need Jesus, that's why they keep coming here.
I knew I needed the craziest fundamental site. That is Jesus, huh? Whew, good thing I only do this once a week.
They know hell ain't no fairy tale.
Whoops, double negative there, godbot.
If you’ve ever wondered how True Christians should witness to people, wonder no longer.
…the Word clearly says that God HATES some people. That's right. HATES. And furthermore it is acceptable to hate the enemies of God (not YOUR enemies).
You should love your enemies, but you can hate God’s enemies. The tough part is when you and God just happen to hate the same people. But hey, how often does that happen?
…preaching should be the warning of the wicked from his way; letting him know that he is a disgusting and filthy sinner in the eyes of God.
And letting the preacher find a much-needed release in projecting his own misery and self-hatred.
But that in spite of that, God is giving him the opportunity to REPENT.
For arousing the preacher to the point where he screamed out in frustration and stifled longing.
Folks… want Jesus to be their best friend and lover, they don't want to be His sold-out slave.
In case you haven’t guessed yet, the “best friend and lover” part is bad, and the “sold-out slave” bit is good. The website contains several stories of people who became just that, surrendering their minds entirely, but the anecdote I found the funniest is called
It sounds like erotica from the edge, and the first sentence of the story is
I was saved at 19 years old, at home in my bed
Let’s pass on from this tale of teenage love to the women who don’t “do what they were created to do”, in other words, to
How can it be "best" for a body to mechanically, forcibly remove a baby when said body was designed to bear children in the first place?
To lunatics such as these, half the human race is composed of walking wombs. It must come as a shock when the uteri reveal attached brains; these must be suppressed at all costs.
A standard "excuse" for abortion is to "save (the mother's) life". They act as if pregnency, being a most natural human function, is life threatening.
I can understand being afraid to study evolution, but is obstetrics similarly threatening?
They often use instances of rape as justification, although MOST abortions have nothing to do with rape (or incest). I believe this is cowardice and fear of the pain; an easy-out.
The author “believes” a great many interesting things about abortion, and is intent on punishing women who have had abortions. If that can’t be done in this world (thanks to Satanic laws), it will be done in the next, as described in the following fantasy.
I believe you will get to (God will make you) hold your baby as it would have been; to smell it's breath and see it's trusting eyes. Then I believe it will suddenly change, right there in your arms, to what you made it be - mangled and bloody….
Do you get to do this for every unfertilized egg, unimplanted zygote, expelled blastocyst and spontaneous abortion? Do men stand around holding handfuls of cast-off sperm who died a lonely death far away from the eggs that could have made the pretty babies?
Along the Every Sperm is Sacred lines of the Ultra-Religious Right, we are told that
Pressure has become so strong in encouraging a young couple to limit the size of their family to no children, or one or two, that I am convinced a Satanic conspiracy is involved.
So although most of humanity is doomed to hell, Satan is trying to get people to reduce the sizes of their families – which means he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed either. I’ve never before come across people who created both their god and their devil in their own images and likeness.
(Most) women consistently exhibit very poor judgment in many things. It becomes more evident every day. Anyone with a shred of honesty can see it (and ADMIT it).
The author is a woman. I don’t know if this is incredible hypocrisy or just plain silliness.
Last February, we had a guest preacher at our church… Forget the "I have a headache" business… He told wives to give their husbands what they want when they want it.
I would have been appalled at the blessing given to marital rape, if I hadn’t been laughing at the next statement.
…what do you think a HELPmeet is for? Wherever he is hanging down, that is where you can shine to help him.
Hopefully he’s no longer… er, hanging down… after you’ve given him some loving attention.
At this time in life, it is very easy to submit to my husband… It has become automatic. If I act like I'm going to get ridiculous, my husband speaks to me about it and I'm straight.
Good thing she doesn’t actually “get ridiculous”. The husband might give her a whipping with a birch stick. Of course, he might be the more enlightened variety, and just send her to bed without dinner, or make her sit in the corner.
And just in case you thought there was nothing for the little ones on this kind of website, you can buy
One workbook from age 6 to 14 for boys, 6-18 for girls. They teach the children all kinds of PRACTICAL skills. Boys electronics, chess, etc. Girls cooking, sewing, etc. They also provide homeschooling materials AND MORE!! AND THEY ARE KING JAMES 1611!!!!
From hell to homeschooling, this is one of the most rabid fundamentalist sites out there, and it contains a great deal more nonsense that the Nutwatch hasn’t covered (from the “Roman Catholic Cult” to the “Bad Bibles”). Think of this site as a vast depository for every cockeyed or hate-filled theory that any radical Christian has ever had. Jesus may be Lord, but if you go by this website, he was probably Liar and Lunatic too – and the authors definitely are both. May they find truth and peace some day.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords