Hello everyone, and welcome to a child-trap baited with fresh, steaming Nut! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s subject wants children of any age to Be All That They Can Be, as long as they choose to be fearsome warriors in God’s Army. It’s a battle of playground proportions; it’s God using every last human resource at his disposal (much like Hitler in 1945); it’s what happens when the Nutwatch gives a time-out to
In other words, child abuse?
Before you click on the spinning "R", remember it is "R" RATED. You may have to ask permission from your parents. WHY?
Because if you go missing, they may want to direct the cops to this website. WHY? I dunno, maybe your parents want you to be something more than God’s Glorious Grenade.
Because it is not for kids that are weak, wimpy and easily scared !
And it’s not for kids with an attention span (hence the constant repetition). We want them mighty of body and microscopic of brain.
It's not for kids that fool around at church and just play games all the time. SO BEWARE!
I hate to break this to you, but the most you could scare would be a geriatric mouse. Couldn’t you spice up your warning a bit? Beware! Boo! Grrrr! Jack Chick! Kent Hovind! Fred Phelps! OK, now we’re getting frightening. But to that list of distinguished names, I submit the following for your perusal, someone so hell-fixated he thinks small children are going there as well, hence his efforts at cradle-conversion,
David Walters has led thousands of youth, adults, and children into the realm of the supernatural.
Just like what the Pied Piper of Hamelin did for the rats.
Some children as young as four years of age have experienced the presence of God.
This promptly undid all their potty training.
Many of the children and teenagers are seeing God use them in a miraculous way.
God doesn’t seem to like adults much. It’s the kids he needs and the kids he uses, which makes him look like a pedophilic version of Robert Heinlein’s The Puppetmasters.
David is leading a Generation of ANOINTED Children and Youth into Revival !!!
You know how a tomcat anoints everything in the vicinity so that you know it all belongs to him? Those poor kids are going to need showers when he’s done with them, but he’ll probably lead them into the Bathroom as well !!!
David will show you how to... have an anointed infant ministry
Infants liberally anointed with lard are generally too greasy for Satan to get a good grip on them.
turn church wise kids and teens into anointed, passionate warriors for the Lord
Passionate? Well, perhaps they need to breed more holy warriors for Jesus’s Jihad, though the recruiting agent has more than enough passion to go around, and his god is no different. And after being chemically lured in through the anointing, the children will be turned into godly guerillas by mind-numbingly trite slogans repeated ad nauseum in the article
RADICAL is being extreme, going beyond the normal. It's being different from ordinary people.
So different that you get to wear a special shirt with very long sleeves. And look, here’s a nice blunt Crayola for you to draw with.
Jesus was a RADICAL , the Apostle Paul was a RADICAL. Most of the true followers of Jesus have been RADICALS. Today God is calling Kids to be RADICAL! What happens when kids get RADICAL ?
If they knew anything about chemistry, they would want to be a free radical.
They stop being ordinary and doing ordinary things and become extra-ordinary and start doing extra-ordinary things.
What a marvel of reasoning, Holmes. Who would ever have thunk it? Say, after that, do they become super-extra-ordinary and start doing super-calli-fundilistic-expi-alli-docious things?
They go from being bored in church to becoming excited, as God starts to move on them and use them.
I can’t improve on that particular image, and I think it might be illegal to even try.
What age to you have to be to be RADICAL ?
Either bondage, wastage or sewage.
Usually from around six or seven and up. But some have even been as young as three!
Months or days? When Mr. Walters heard the term “infantry”, he took it literally.
Nothing is too hard for God ! He wants to use kids for his Kingdom. In the past God has used donkeys.
But he soon found there were certain perks to using children. For instance, up to four kids may be stored in one bachelor apartment. Try doing the same thing with donkeys.
(He spoke through the mouth of one once),
Yes, the donkey swallowed Him whole and He had to yell up through its gullet for help.
and Jesus rode a baby donkey, not the mother donkey, but the baby donkey into Jerusalem.
The baby donkey collapsed under his weight and was served at a festive supper later that night. Moral of the story : if you’re going to pass out under Jesus’s weight, have the decency to be an edible species.
…if God can speak through donkeys and bushes and part the sea with a stick,
Is Moses the stick referred to here? Well, I guess that if god could be a burning bush, his prophet could be a stick. Hey, maybe another of god’s chosen was Twiggy.
He can certainly use kids. You don't have to wait until you are older for God to use you.
Even without a verb that makes kids sound like Kleenex, this is one of the creepiest child-hooking pitches I’ve heard. I keep expecting a slogan like “Seven is heaven but eight is too late”.
If you are willing to be RADICAL, God will use you now ! So put away your toys and games
Consistently supplied with coal on Christmas Day, Mr. Walters turned a jaundiced eye on the other kiddies who got Lego sets and Barbie dolls. Some day he’d make them pay… some day…
and let's get RADICAL !
RADICAL : Recruiting All Donkeys, If Children Aren’t Legal.
Let's decide to be real CHRISTIANS and not fakes or phonies.
Yes, let’s, Mr. Walters; you do it first, unless you’ve already passed God’s preferred age limit by going through puberty. Your writing suggests otherwise, though when it comes to the subject of the afterlife, I doubt any child would be so eager to fill hell as you are; there’s no such thing as an age of accountability, because if God can use three-year-olds, so can Satan, a situation lovingly described in
Some people think that if kids die when they are young, they will go to heaven. They believe this, because they think kids are innocent, but they are wrong.
“This is the Kiddies' Konspiracy for Karnality, broadcasting to all treehouses, wading pools and tin-can telephones! We’ve been outed! Destroy the source of the leak! And bring Twinkies to next week’s meeting!”
We know that God loves kids, (the first thing He told Adam and Eve to do was to have kids.) God wanted kids to be like Him,
Sadly for the narcissistic God, he was unaware of the science of cloning.
but Adam and Eve, our great, great, great, great, etc. etc. grandparents messed up and so a lot of kids have turned up behaving more like the devil, than God.
This leaves God with proportionately fewer kids to use; he is like Imelda Marcos missing a pair of shoes, and throws a similar tantrum.
So Listen Kids… You don't go to heaven because your cute. You don't go to heaven because your a kid. You only go to heaven if you have had you're sins washed in the blood of Jesus…
You will continue to be ignorant of grammar, but that’s OK as long as you’ve got the facts of afterlife straight.
Kids that have been in David Walter's meetings have been anointed (used powerfully) by the Holy Spirit to do great things for God.
Heaven must be a Nike sweatshop; all the work is done by children. No wonder God wants to get as many of them as possible; maximize profits, minimize expenses.
We have seen kids shake, fall down, cry,
The videotapes will be discreetly shipped for a small fee plus mailing costs.
and get right with God after they have heard the preaching and been prayed for the Holy Spirit to touch them.
After they’re on touching terms, do the kids call him Uncle Spirit?
Many of them have seen angels, heaven and hell, and visions of Jesus. As the kids have got to know God in a real way, He has started to use them.
This explains why they saw hell. Heaven must have been after they escaped the sharklike god and his pilot fish, Mr. Walters, who even wrote a loyalty oath for them to swear when they enter the Yahweh Youth :
Now Lord Jesus I, Warrior _________
Princess? Robot? What’s the next rank, Mighty Morphing Power Ranger?
pledge my allegiance to You and I enlist in Your mighty army. I declare war on satan…
“I thwow my fuffy bunny wabbit at him!”
I will study the Armor of God training manual, so that I can become a powerful soldier in Your army.
The Palestine Liberation Organization – not too many other armies need children enrolling in them. Still, the wee warriors have their own share of battles to describe, and these are lovingly collected, if not edited, in the
One day when my Mummy was taking my baby sister to the sitter, a car hit us from the back. It was 3 cars.
The Father, the Son and the Honda Civic. Seriously, though, is this poor child unable to tell the difference between one car and three cars? I see Mr. Walters selects his diminutive disciples from a special population indeed.
I was 4 years when it happened and my sister was a little baby. I am happy to say that we are all OK and it is all God's work.
So god made the one car that turned into three cars rear-end you. Was he playing traffic billiards and trying to get your car down a manhole?
It also good to have worship in the car so God can be with you whereever you go.
If you don’t have worship in the car, God may be left behind in the parking lot. Perhaps he doesn’t know which car you’re in unless you sing or shout to attract his attention.
My testimony is that God saved me and healed me from my broken leg .
“My broken leg was trying to convert me to Buddhism, but God beat it to a mashed pulp. Then he yelled, ‘Run, Forrest! Run!’ and in terror that he would smash my other leg, I ran like a hare.”
He also delivered my Dad from diping .I'M A RADICAL CHIRSTIAN
No, you’re an incoherent christian, one of many. What in the world is “diping”? Skinny-diping? Why doesn’t Mr. Walters proofread his website (or, taking a leaf out of God’s book, use some kid to do it)?
Anyway, look on the bright side; daddy is no longer a diper.
An eight year old girl called Zoe, was in our children's meeting and was filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues.
Or so they thought… until they taped her mysterious mutterings and played the tapes backwards.
…she saw a man in a wheel-chair. She prayed to God and He told her to lay her hands on him and command him to come out of the wheel chair. So she obeyed God and guess what ? You'll never believe it, but he jumped right out of the wheel chair.
And fell flat on his face. Seriously, though, where exactly on his body did she lay her hands? Maybe the poor man thought that severe injury was better than being groped by a god-groupie, and one can hardly blame him.
Many little children have seen angels and heaven in our meetings. Numbers of them have drawn pictures of what they saw for their Sunday school teachers.
Further numbers have drawn pictures of what happened to them for the district attorney.
…when a 15 year old boy saw Jesus appear on that Friday night it changed our lives.
We had no idea that Jesus was small enough to fit into that black hat, nor that He was so fond of carrots.
God is so awesome. Kids are getting set on fire and healed ! Radical !
I see why it’s essential to recruit more warriors; god discovered the flammable nature of the human body and decided to use the children as candles on his birthday. Radical ! This must be the christian version of boot camp; any survivors can then be sent on
Kids as young as seven years have been with us on mission trips without their parents tagging along.
Kids as young as thirteen are generally the parents and too old by then to fight god’s battles for him.
Isn't that RADICAL ? You see kids ! God wants us to be warriors, and soldiers.
You notice that shortly after Jesus said wimpy things like “turn the other cheek”, he was hanging on a cross and wailing for his dad to save him? Don’t let that happen to you, kids.
He can turn "wimps into warriors," "chickens into champions,"
“turkeys into terrorists”.
and "dorks into dragon slayers."
And all you have to do is let him use a radioactive spider to…. oh, sorry, wrong wish-fulfilment fantasy. Oddly, though the mighty mice of christianity can challenge Satan, they don’t seem to be able to cope with any aspect of the real world and Mr. Walters’s tune does a complete 180 when he’s speaking about the need to shelter the cringing champions, in the article
Some people think that we are all God's children and the unbelievers are just struggling with doubts and we need to love and help them.
The correct response to these perverted beliefs is “get thee behind me, Satan!” You should also ask your child warrior to beat these people up if they persist in their wicked folly.
First we are not all God's children, only God's creation. Christians are called the children of light, the unbelievers are called the children of darkness.
I’d rather be that than a child of dorkness, like the author of this claptrap.
Our children are being exposed to tremendous attack by Satan who is using the media, TV. movies, music, schools, colleges and other kids.
No wonder God’s desperate to find kids to use, since Satan is using practically everything else. Poor God, he sounds outnumbered and outwaterpistolled.
If our children have a difficult time with the negative forces at school, how are they going to cope in a secular college when they are no longer living at home?
And how will they survive if they eat at a McDonalds run by a Buddhist? Won’t someone please think of our children, who can defeat Satan, see visions, speak in tongues and heal people, but who are flattened into pancakes by secular colleges?
Don't spend too much time with unbelievers or uncommitted and weak Christians. Youngsters owe it to themselves to stay with the strong warriors.
Plus, the strong warriors will give the kids a good thumping if they try to desert the army. How many uncommitted Christians would love them enough to do that? Free will is highly overrated in the Lord’s Legions, and it’s practically poison to kids and
If our children are permitted to rebel and go their own way, they will end up as prodigals and some may never come back.
“The rest might be recaptured by bounty hunters, but we would have our work cut out hobbling and lobotomizing them.”
I believe that we are to be friendly to non-Christians
“though always bearing in mind that they are the Children of Darwin. Or Darkness, same thing.”
and try to help them and minister to them - but make them our best friends? - How can a Christian have a unbeliever as their best friend? What do they have in common?
An imagination, something you need to find as soon as possible.
They obviously have no spiritual fellowship, so it must be on the carnal level.
Believe me, no unbeliever would want to coldly go where only God has gone before.
If [your children] behave badly don't tell them that they are no-good and will amount to nothing. That's how you put a curse on them.
And you don’t even need eye of newt or toe of frog to do it. Those are only if you’re putting a curse on your in-laws. But since we’re on the borders of la-la land here, let’s make one final detour to the kids’ pages, and the oddly titled
Kids that know their God shall have spiritual mega-muscles and go on adventures.
If this silliness was a film, it would be called Conan the Christian Barbarian.
Yes, the dragons will die laughing if you talk to them like this. I wish I had seen this website when I was a child, since it would have inoculated me against christianity for good. The war between god and satan lurches from the spiritual realm (where kids are all-powerful) to the real world (where kids have to be sheltered from everything). And since it’s hard to find unused receptacles these days, God cleverly increases his chances of getting a host all to himself by picking them as early as possible. As for all the donkey-usage, all I can say is, “Run for the hills, Eeyore! God’s a-coming!”
Till next week, everyone! Radical !
QueenofSwords