Hello everyone, and gather round the roaring fire to help yourself to roasted nut! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s column is dedicated to all the wonderful women of the Secular Web. After reading the tripe served up by this week’s subject, I am more than ever pleased to be surrounded by women who are courageous, rational, and most of all, honest. As far as I am concerned, it is a virtue to call a cowpat a cowpat, and I do not appreciate being told to step in it and pretend it’s bubble bath. That’s what this week’s Nut is all about, looking at the world through a grotesquely distorted lens and bewailing everyone who refuses to dance to the same delusion, because this week’s Nutwatch takes a bite out of
Many thanks to jess, who suggested this site. I’ve seen some half-witted anti-feminist sites before, but this one seems to collect every caricature of femininity and then lovingly enshrine them.
We are for maidenhood,
All praise to the holy hymen, amen.
modesty, virtue,
A woman in each kitchen, six children in each nursery. Unless you’re in Utah, I guess.
intelligence,
i.e. the ability to say, “I do” and then “Yes, sir”.
womanly arts and femininity. Join the new revolution!
But do it quietly, after you’ve finished cooking for the menfolk and asked their permission to join. If they say no, retire smiling to your bedchamber and have another baby. That is, after all, the true essence of women, and is lovingly detailed in the article
It’s a term usually found in old romance novels, eg. “His rigid manhood delved deeply into her welcoming womanhood.”
Our culture tells us that it is a "waste" of talents and brains to stay home and raise children, but something deep in our souls tells us it is meaningful, beautiful and even challenging.
If nothing in your souls tells you this, please report to the central cube immediately. The Assimilation Inducer was obviously not installed in your core matrix. You will be corrected and allowed to proceed.
And the countless millions of successful mothers who have gone before us cry out from history’s pages…
Yes, history books are just crammed with stories of women who did nothing but stay at home and raise babies. Why, you can’t go to Washington, D.C. without bumping into all these statues of women, and don’t get me started on Mount Rushmore!
Our supposed "liberation" in the latter half of the 20th century doesn’t seem to have freed us; rather, it seems to have bound us into a straightjacket of tormented doubts about what we are doing as women.
Would we be happier doing it as men? And thus the great evil of gender-altering surgery was born.
Is there an answer?
Why do people ask rhetorical questions?
God had made woman the perfect complement to man -- everything that Adam lacked was found in Eve.
What was it that Adam lacked again? A uterus?
It was within Eve’s nature to follow Adam, and it was part of Adam’s disposition to lead and protect his wife.
And he did such a good job of it, too! But lest anyone think that a woman’s duties are confined to cooking, cleaning, washing, childbearing and lying on her back as often as her husband wishes, Ladies Against Feminism rushes to assure us that this is not the case. Women have taken on other roles when necessary, as seen in the following Biblical examples.
We have Abigail, who pacified an angry King David with her artful, welcoming diplomacy (I Samuel 25). There is Miriam, who composed a song of triumph and danced… (Exodus 15:20-21). Esther used her God-given beauty and her wits to win the king’s favor...
So basically, you can do anything you like as long as it doesn’t go beyond talking, flirting or dancing. A woman’s life should be one long high school prom, including the pregnancy at the end.
The paradox of Scripture is that submission gives the greatest freedom and that death brings life.
That isn’t so much a paradox as one of the cleverest marketing ploys I’ve ever seen. You’s think that ladies who prides themselves on being “for intelligence” would have comprehended that by now.
We can die to ourselves, to our dreams and to our own desires, yet find that we are vibrantly alive and free to pursue the high calling of womanhood with intelligence, wit, joy and zest.
We could also leap tall buildings in a single bound, if we weren’t afraid that people might look up our skirts as we did so. Clothing is one of the chief concerns of the Ladies Against Feminism, since methods of dress can condemn men to hell and destroy the world, as we learn in the article
Do you realize that it has only been about 40 years since women wore dresses with matching gloves and hats every time they went out of the house?
And do you realize that it has only been about 140 years since all the work was done by the colored folks?
Wherever Christianity went, modest, distinctive dress followed. Where has it all gone?
Some might respond with, "Well, that's her personal choice. She can dress however she likes." But that is the voice of anarchy and chaos speaking.
To avoid anarchy and chaos, please dress all women alike. Consider striped uniforms; numbers can easily be tattooed in order to tell the female units apart.
When we decide to define ourselves according to our own whims, we can only expect cultural suicide on the scale we are witnessing it today. There must be an eternal, unchanging standard if there is to be peace, happiness and harmony.
Let’s hear it for peace, happiness and harmony : “Care Bears Countdown, four three two one…”
The articles featured on Ladies Against Feminism are a delightful mixed bag – in that some of the best are penned by men. These authors are by no means Ladies, though they are against Feminism as a rabid dog is against… well, everything. But let’s start with one of the less virulent spiels, the poignantly titled
Modesty and beauty - the lost connection
by the unfortunately named
Mrs. Regina Doman Schmiedicke
There’s really nothing I can say about that last name.
It seems to me that in most cultures, the more clothing a person wears, the more important that person tends to be in society.
Take Islamic cultures, for example…
Women of rank were outfitted with long garments -queens of ancient Egypt, medieval France, and Victorian England all wore gowns that fell to their feet.
When their lovers undid the buttons, no doubt.
My knowledge of anthropology is admittedly limited, but I believe this was the case in almost every culture until the advent of more effective and available birth control, when the situation changed to what we have now.
Mini-skirts were handed out with every Pill, and if you bought condoms, you got shorts, too! And so the world came to a sad and bitter end. But we may still be able to salvage a few last remnants of humanity from the crumbled chaos if we only follow the precepts given by Scripture and expounded upon in
by Pastor Art Kohl
Or Ars Hohl, as I considered him after reading the first sentence.
It is absolutely wrong for a man to be feminine. It is so wrong that it is listed among other behaviors that tell us a person isn't really saved.
Who would have thought that femininity was more powerful than even the Redeeming Blood of Christ? My, you learn something new every day (and at least six impossible things before breakfast). However, the title of this essay is, of course, the characteristics of “Biblical Womanhood”, and some of those are
She is in awe of her husband. She respects him with fear. This word is usually translated "to be afraid of, to fear." She has a holy devotion to him and fears him similar to her fear for God.
I just hope she can control her bladder in his presence.
Her Hair is Simple It is long (1 Corinthians 11:15) and simple.
As opposed to being… complex, I guess. But then again, Pastor Kohl (why is he named after a type of make-up?) has so many complexes, I guess there aren’t any left over for the little woman.
She is obedient to her husband… He is the head of the family (1 Corinthians 11:3). Anything with two heads is a monster.
Gosh, Pastor Kohl, thanks for alienating half the audience. Plus, didn’t you ever hear that two heads are better than one?
She is subject to her own husband… According to 1 Corinthians 11:3, God has the highest rank, then Christ is under Him, then the husband is under Christ, then the wife is under her husband, then last the children are under the parents. The feminine woman doesn't want to be the General.
The feminine woman just wants to sleep with the General.
Meek Spirited Meekness is the inward strength to depend on God to fight our battles, meet our needs, take care of situations, change people, etc. without taking things into our own hands. Meekness is not weakness, it is strength.
It takes real courage to sit passively, tucked away in a shell, while the men/gods (but I repeat myself) do all the real work. What matchless bravery must be required to hide from the world. Really, you’d think women would be given medals for this, but the Evil Feminist Conspiracy probably screwed that up too.
Do not try this on your own, ask for the help of the Holy Spirit and the Grace of God. Be feminine and be eternally rewarded!
The carrot, ladies and gentlemen (ladies, please proceed to cook it and feed it to the better half). The stick is only implied, since I guess nice polite people don’t directly allude to the eternal torments of hell for the unfeminine. Though our next author comes close to it in the article
by the even more improbably named
Aiden Humphrey-Bungum
You have to feel sorry for these people. I guess if I was saddled with a moniker like that, I’d be crabby and miserable too.
These are young men and women with all the potential in the world, but parts of their lives are sort of up for grabs right now; their private lives are exposed and vulnerable to sin; here and there they sit on the fence between the call of Jesus Christ and the call of the world; they're blessed by God in many ways; but Satan has the scent of their souls in his nostrils; and fence-sitters are easy prey; they've got corruptive influences in their lives; maybe they are out from under the protection of your authority; maybe their friends have less than the best motives; maybe its something that they are just experimenting with; maybe they think they are just playing with sin, and that when they let go of it; it will let go of them.
Dear Mr Humphrey-Bungum,
Even if you think a period (.) is something shameful and womanly, please attempt to use one more often.
And he doesn't just hang out in New York City or LA… Satan gets around; I've got reason to believe that he's been in Oregon recently.
The cloven footprints all over Portland, the smell of sulfur… it could have just been a cow-herd migration. But Aiden Humphrey-Bungum knew better. Follow the adventures of this intrepid Christian sleuth as he tracks the Devil Himself to… Utah!
There are lives he's ravaged that bear his signature misery...
Satan’s signature is “misery”? Does Stephen King know?
I want to show you stories of young people who trusted in the LORD for their future husband or wife, and they have love stories that would make you want to laugh and cry at the same time; stories that are better than any romance novel you could hope to read.
Oddly enough, they don’t seem to sell as well.
God is the author of romance;
Though He writes under the name Genevieve Olivetta Delafontaine.
If you want to savor the seasons of the heart, let God write your love story; one chapter into it, and you won't be able to put it down…
Because this author doesn’t take criticism very well?
But ladies, the Lord has said that if… you are going to keep dressing in such a way as to entice men to commit fornication or adultery with you, then it would be better for a millstone to be tied around your neck and for you to be cast into the sea.
Except such a woman would most likely be a witch, so she’d float, and then she’d have to be burned. And this would still be a far, far better thing than destroying
The Purity of Men
Yes, it’s by Mr. Humphrey-Bungum again. Bungum one for me, Aiden!
Our God is a wonderful Father, He is the Daddy every boy dreams of.
Ah, those must be the kind of dreams that leave embarassing stains afterwards.
It is a man's foremost and sweetest privilege to be one with his Daddy, his Abba, his Father in heaven.
Men, do not attempt to achieve this blissful oneness with your Daddy or Father on earth. Save it for the only One who cares.
How natural it is to turn to Him for every little thing. But how unnatural to turn to the Holy One with the flame of lust.
When the Holy One wants you in His arms, trembling with passion and need, the Holy One will let you know! Until then, please don’t bother Him.
Not surprisingly, then, one of the world's commonest ways of putting a wedge between a child of God and his Father is to encourage women to dress immodestly. Even after we shut our eyes in prayer, Dear Father, the lurid images linger on.
As we all know, men have no imagination, so if women only dressed modestly, men would think of them as, well, other men. But if women don’t take this excellent advice, something very bad may happen, as coyly implied in Brian Sullivan’s article
I suggest to you that in a similar fashion when a woman displays all her treasures, leaving very little to the imagination, there is a real good possibility that someone will take away what she has.
I don’t know if he’s hinting politely about rape or perhaps alluding delicately to some secret organ stealers who run a black market with women’s breasts and uteri. See what happens when you’re not direct and frank, Mr. Sullivan? But then again, the men who contribute to Ladies Against Feminism compete with each other to see who can get in the most subtle digs against the women who just won’t give them any; Douglas Wilson offers a prime example of this in the article
Many of the current fashions for young women appear to be apparel in standard use down at the local Hooker Training Academy.
Where Mr. Wilson is an an enthusiastic patron, no doubt.
As my wife recently put it, "It must be difficult for men these days trying to figure out which ones they have to pay for and which ones are free."
I do hope Mr. Wilson doesn’t dole out her allowance by leaving it on the dresser each night.
More than one young female dope has been consciously astonished at the sexual response that her subconscious has successfully created.
Mr. Wilson’s attorney’s opening line. Chuck Baldwin was probably called as a character (and I use the term loosely) witness, since he shares the same point of view and expands upon it in
However, there is another part of the story regarding sexual predators that is not being discussed: the large numbers of young girls today that are themselves sexual predators!... For example, is it proper for a 15-year-old girl (who is built like a 20-year-old) to show her endowment at will
I’m not sure what this “endowment” refers to… her breasts, her ankles, her face?
without expecting a natural reaction from the object of her entrapment?
“Poor Mr. Baldwin cried out to the Lord and struggled to free himself – even grasping the harlot tightly so as to fling her aside – but the evil predatory 15-year-old girl only excited him further! His natural reaction could not be denied! Her unnatural reaction, of course, was to blame it all on him when the police arrived!”
But the crowned king of the ranting Ladies Against Feminism is Brian Shilhavy, who left the corrupted United States and settled down on a small mountain farm in the Phillipines, the better to save his daughter from all kinds of harlotry and to write articles such as
So how have fathers in the church today failed in their responsibility to protect their daughters? Basically, by allowing them to have an identity outside of the authority and protection of their home.
This theme is repeated ad nauseum in the article – women who leave their homes to get a pint of milk can turn into prostitutes, women who actually enjoy leaving their homes are obviously damned from the start.
…the content of modern education in schools today prepare our daughters to participate in the culture of harlotry. The educational system in place in America today could be aptly called "The School of Prostitution," and Christian fathers willingly send their daughters off to these institutions to learn harlotry!
It’s not that Mr. Shilhavy thinks about prostitution a lot – no, not at all, that would be a whorrible thing to dwell upon. At tart, he has a lot of love for women, and when he sees evil, he just has to strumpet out.
The goal of our instruction to our children is to teach them to love and fear God, to love their neighbor as themselves, and to put their faith in Jesus Christ as the Savior of their sins. All other academic knowledge apart from the scriptures is secondary and optional. There is no scriptural mandate to teach our children any other subjects.
Children are so much easier to control when they’re ignorant. That’s probably why Mr. Shilhavy fled the United States, though I shudder to think of the life (or lack thereof) which awaits his child.
I named my own daughter "Sarah", and her life verse (which she has already memorized at the age of 5) is Genesis 17:15-16… Also, I am not aware of any place in scripture where the daughter has a say in the choice of her husband. It is always the father's decision.
Since he’s the one who has to live and sleep with the husband. Oh, wait…
The biblical view is that the daughter is supposed to be protected from emotional attachments to men which would prostitute her, either emotionally or physically, while she is residing in her father's home. The only time our daughters are supposed to release their emotions toward a man is after her father has arranged a covenant agreement for marriage, so that the covenant agreement for marriage serves as a kind of wall of protection around her in her husband's household.
The girl here (she cannot be called a woman by any means) comes across as a walking jelly baby – wait, scratch the “walking” part. She might very well walk right out of the home if she were allowed that harlot-like freedom.
The final lunatic in the Cuckoo’s Nest of Ladies Against Feminism is, appropriate enough, a (self-styled) Lady – so we know she’s the Real Thing, I suppose. Her section of the website is titled
and is peppered with pictures of Victorian women, so we all know what God wants us to wear.
Here are some things that are not feminine: Clothing with holes in it revealing parts of the skin.
This includes those very large holes through which women show off their heads.
Which is better: to cause an accident because a woman was so scantily dressed that someone was distracted and stumbled or drove his car into a post, or to cause a man to think of heaven because she was so carefully and finely clothed?
Man : A woman in a Victorian dress! With a hat! She reminds me of the Lamb of God already! Bleat for me, darling!
I’ll leave you with one final piece of wisdom from Lady Lydia :
The Bible says that the ant gets food ready in the summer to store in the winter. It does this without a ruler or a boss or an overseer.
Hmm, Ladies Against Feminism obviously forgot to plug the “intelligence” module into this drone, though she’s got the modesty and christianity programs functioning overtime.
In summary, hell would be far preferable to being forced into the distorted, grinning anachronism that is apparently considered to be the apex of femininity by these “ladies”.
Their ideal woman would be a corseted doll with her hands on the bible and her feet in the birthing stirrups, assuring you over and over again that, “It’s a good life.” Thanks, but I’ve already read The Handmaid’s Tale. Now there’s the kind of romance novel the Christian God might write.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords