Hello everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s Nutwatch is dedicated to all the wonderful people who have offered me their support and help recently. I hope you’re all hungry, because this week’s Nutwatch presents a delicious and filling two-meat course of

Lamb and Lion Ministries

The good folks at Lamb and Lion (sounds like a law firm – Lamb & Lion, Board Certified) are not kidding when they say

We are a Bible prophecy ministry devoted to proclaiming the soon return of Jesus.

Jesus has been coming “soon” for two thousand years now. Gullibility knows no time limits, apparently.

The authors of Lamb and Lion (will that be a mixed grill?) Ministries are denizens of Lindseyland, the place where Jesus is about to come at any minute. It must be like a Christmas Eve that never results in presents or celebration – “Is Santy Claus here yet, Mommy?” – and it generates an incredible amount of loathing for those people who actually enjoy being alive today, with the freedom to choose what they will do with their bodies and their minds.

Let me ask your indulgence for a moment as I share my personal feeling about this world. The word I would use is "hate." Yes, I hate this world. I hate it with a passion so strong and so intense that I find it difficult to express in words.

Would “Heaven’s Gate” come close?

Are you comfortable with what the world has to offer in music, movies, television programs and best selling books? Friendship with the world is hostility toward God!

One of those best selling books is, of course, the bible, but let’s not confuse these fundies with facts. Besides, in their fantasy, secular publishers and an atheistic media probably burn bibles every day and dance in the ashes while singing Satanic hymns of praise. Imagined persecution forms the Great Wall around Lindseyland, preventing anyone from actually seeing what the real world outside is like. Here’s life on the other side of the wall – and it feels like passing through the Looking-Glass :

The attacks are going to intensify… Christians will even be sent to prison for speaking out against evils like homosexuality because such pronouncements will be labeled as "hate crimes."

And it will no longer be lawful to execute homosexuals as the bible says we should. The persecution will be unbearable. Come quickly, lord Jesus!

For any mathematically inclined people, Dr. David Reagan produces the exponential curve as evidence that Jesus is coming back soon (of course, everything in the world is pretty much evidence that Jesus is coming back real soon).

Third, the exponential curve is very strong evidence that we are living on borrowed time. It points to the fact that Jesus is at the very gates of Heaven,

What’s He doing there?

1. Piddling.

2. Locked out – He stayed wayyyyy past His curfew.

3. A cute Hell’s angel is due to ride past soon.

4. After 2000 years, senile dementia has set in. He actually thinks He’s at the right hand of His father.

5. Needed a smoke real bad.

waiting for the command of His Father to return.

In other words, He’s waiting for Himself to tell Him to leave. At this rate, it could be a while before Jesus sorts Himself out and gets here.

Non-Christian, now is the time for salvation. Christian, now is the time for holiness.

Infidel, now would be the time to marvel at the same tactic being employed by used-car salesmen and evangelists, if we hadn’t been aware of that all along.

One tactic of the Lamb and Lion (end result : full lion, no lamb) is to set up enough straw people to sink Noah’s ark. Apparently, if you don’t praise homosexuality, gay people consider you a homophobe. If you see differences between genders, you’re sexist. I can only conclude that the authors of this website really enjoy feeling that they’re persecuted; perhaps that’s better than being ignored.

Of course, the Lamb bleats at Harry Potter and the Lion settles down in an arthritic heap on the late Princess Diana’s grave. Not that it helps Diana now, but I’m sure we’re all happy to know that on the last day of her life, she had no idea that she would

wake up in a new dimension, facing the prospect of that great and awesome day when we will stand before the Judge of the earth to give an account of the lives we have lived.

And after we give this account, God will say, “Gotcha! Your lives are meaningless because you’re not True Christians. You developed the HIV vaccine? You raised a family? You saved a child’s life and were killed in the process? None of that matters! You’re all going to hell! Bwahahaha!”

Lamb and Lion Ministries earns its name when we come to the topic of abortion, since it manages to simultaneously weep over unborn children while subtly condoning violence towards anyone who provides abortion. In The Abomination of Abortion, we find that abortion is not permissible, of course, whether you’ve been raped, or whether your health or life is in danger. One second after sperm meets egg, you have the next Beethoven in your womb, and you had damn well better birth him or God will want to know the reason why not.

We cannot stand by passively and allow the innocent to be murdered.

Unless it’s God’s will, in which case the correct thing to do is murder the innocent with all speed. Remember Abraham and Isaac? Heck, remember Jesus?

Proverbs 24:11 says, "Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don't stand back and let them die". What could possibly be weaker than a baby in its mother's womb? What could be more wicked than a medical doctor who perverts his life-saving skills by using them to kill babies?

What could be more persuasive and emotional than a slew of rhetorical questions?

Christians cannot be neutral about abortion. We must speak out against it. Some of us will be called of God to do more than that.

So remember, folks, the Army of God gets its orders from God. People don’t blow up clinics. God blows up clinics.

God does not call all of us to do the same thing. He may call you to be a soldier on the front lines who sits in the abortuary door and risks going to jail… He may call you to adopt a child.... You do what God calls you to do.

That’s why so many Christians don’t adopt any of these unwanted children. God isn’t calling them to do that. All he wants them to do is scream, “Don’t kill your baby!” or set up websites with the names and addresses of abortion providers.

We are already experiencing the consequences of abortion.

Women are going about their lives. The horror!

They include a depreciation in the value of life and a corresponding increase in violent crime.

Towards abortion providers.

Another consequence is a generation of women burdened with guilt and depression for their abortions.

Considering that abortion has been around for centuries, that’s one long-lived generation.

We are also missing a whole generation of young people who were aborted and who could now be living productive lives, paying the Social Security taxes necessary to support the very parents who killed them.

Every zygote’s healthy,
Every zygote’s good
None of them will ever
Shoot up the neighborhood.

Embryos are Mozarts
Just birth them and you’ll see
They’ll earn a mammoth paycheck
From their little nursery.

No fetus will grow up to
Sell drugs or use a gun;
And if it does, don’t worry,
Just have another one!

Interestingly, the authors have a separate page dedicated to the issue of whether violence towards abortion providers is justified, and after they provide several reasons why it can be considered all right to kill people – saving innocent lives, it’s commanded by Scripture, it combats a great evil, etc. – they finally admit that

the issue of resorting to violence in defense of righteousness is not all that simple.

They go on to say that prayer is probably better, because then God can handle the “evil men” who let babies die. Talk about eating your cake and having it.

There’s also one of those cute abortion tests where, if you say “yes”, you’ve just killed John Wesley or Jesus. The poor little innocent unborn baby is never Madalyn Murray O’Hair or Charles Darwin or Ayn Rand, because as we all know, they were evil people who don’t produce a warm fuzzy “awwww” feeling – not even when they were babies.

But I wouldn’t want to leave anyone with the impression that the Lamb and Lion Ministries don’t have a great deal of compassion. Why, they overflow with it, loving the sinner even as they hate the sin, and providing all the gay people of the world with

Hope for Homosexuals

the truth is that homosexuality has been, is now, and always will be a sin and an abomination in the sight of God.

It’s good to know that these people have such a solid grasp on the psychology of God that they know he’s always going to hate homosexuality. As opposed to say, the equally disgusting practice of eating shellfish, which was a crime in the past but is now apparently legal for Christians.

In both the Old and New Testament, from the mount of Sinai to the pen of Paul, Scripture makes it plain that homosexuals will not turn up in heaven.

That’s so inspiring. Any gay person reading this will no doubt be filled with hope. But they have something even better halfway down the page

we have something very, very positive to say to those trapped in the "gay" lifestyle (who really do want help).

Trapped in the “gay” lifestyle? There must be some powerful underground organization that forces these poor people to shop at the Gap and watch La Cage Aux Folles.

We find that the promises of God are often made real in our lives gradually.

So that they are indistinguishable from ordinary improvements in our personalities, jobs, etc. This is due to God’s unwillingness to shock you by abruptly revealing His existence. He’s saving that for when you die.

As our faith ripens and our understanding increases, the failures come less often and those sins that used to rule begin to lose their grip on us. As we keep our eyes on Jesus, the victory becomes ours. Unlawful desires lose their potency and are replaced with godly ones.

Rather than playfully spanking your gay partner, you will want to beat your wife.

To those homosexuals who are defiantly reveling in their immorality, we have little to say.

Except “Could we have your phone number?”

Perhaps to them would apply that terrifying declaration, "He that is filthy, let him be filthy still" (Revelation 22:11).

He that is not, let him strip down to a thong...

Enjoy your sin as best you can, but know that you will one day stand before Him whose eyes are as a flame of fire and whose countenance shines like the sun.

Which Marvel superhero is that? The Human Torch?

Of course, evolution is sinful and no True Christian would ever believe it.

Dogs are still dogs in the fossil record. Cats are still cats. No one has yet found a "Dat."

What about cogs?

Our public schools are not allowed to teach children the true origin of the universe. Only the lie of evolution can be taught.

It’s good to spread fantasies like this. Firstly, people might feel sorry for you. Secondly, persecution makes you special, and no True Christian can be special through any other way. Finally, if you think the world is a horrible place, you won’t be likely to actually live in it or enjoy it. Because once you do, Lindseyland will look more and more like the Cuckoo’s Nest – and no one who is inside can ever be permitted to leave.

The “Jesus is coming, I said so in the last article, and the one before that” theme is banged like a drum throughout the website. Apparently, even the Chinese government prevents the “doctrine of the Second Coming of Christ” from being taught, because this is such a powerful message that it could cause massive conversions. Amazing that the United States is going to hell in a handbasket even though this doctrine is shouted from the rooftops, but then again, logic is not a strong point here.

One of the funnier articles is titled An Age of Unbelief, so of course I clicked on it, hoping to see what straw people they erected to represent atheism or humanism.

There is no doubt that we live in an age that does not believe in prayer. The great tragedy is that Christians have become caught up in the philosophy of our age, a philosophy that enthroned Science as god.

It must be very hard to work one’s mind around the concept of people not having any kind of supernatural belief.

We are taught on every side that we live in an impersonal universe, a world that is a great, remorseless machine, obeying relentless laws.

As opposed to living in a land of flowers and birdies, where teddy bears frolic through the woods and everything is made of sweet, sweet chocolate.

And in the midst of it all, we tiny humans are nothing but transient pygmies.

Perhaps True Christians prefer to be permanent pygmies? We could cut them down to size, no problem.

The result is that we have a hollow god

Filled with nougat.

— a god that has no heart, no compassion, for Science cannot feel or laugh or show mercy.

Science cannot go to the grocery store or play Scrabble or scratch your butt for you. So what use is Science? We might as well have stayed in caves eating raw meat for all the good it did us!

Science can only analyze, measure, dissect, weigh and speculate. And so we feel a sense of meaninglessness; a loss of significance; an erosion of hope; a lack of power.

So where do we turn when the great god Science gives us polio vaccines instead of directions on how to burn sacrificial bulls? What do we do when the angels of astronomy send us details of the solar system but not instructions on whom to kill (non-virgins, homosexuals, etc.)? Who will provide us with meaning, because surely we’re not supposed to do that for ourselves?

He can reach down His hand into the sordid mess of your filth, pick you up, clean you off, and give you a brand new start.

How wonderfully magnanimous of Him. <wipes away a tear>

Just remember, people, this is one-time offer and your time is limited. Call now, because this deal could expire at any time.

As a matter of fact, God is obligated by His character to warn the world of the imminent return of His Son.

“Yo, muh boy is comin’ so yuh better pay up or yuh swim inna lake a fire.”

The reason is that Jesus is returning in great wrath to "judge and wage war."

That’s why they call him the Prince of Peace. As for the constant repetition of “Jesus is coming”, say it often enough and maybe it will come true. Say it often enough and you will convince yourself. Just keep repeating it and repeating it and repeating it, and your own desperate voice will drown out the silence from the sky.

Till next week, everyone!