Hello everyone, and welcome to the best little Nuthouse in Texas! Or anywhere else, for that matter. It’s always interesting to see how far fundamentalists go when they try to be Madame Cleo’s love child by Benny Hinn, and this week’s subject is no exception. While it isn’t as vitriolic as some of its counterparts, this Nut is to be applauded for providing the longest, most convoluted and most humdrum vision I have ever read. Without further ado, brace yourselves for a close encounter of the uninspirational kind, because this week’s Nutwatch unpicks
Not affiliated with Master Baiter Ministries.
We believe that the redemptive work of Jesus Christ's shed Blood and broken body provides for the healing of the human being in every way.
Don’t forget Jesus Christ’s fossilized Bones, decomposing Skin and preserved Toenails.
We believe that… The Holy Spirit gives gifts unto Believers so that they may accomplish that work.
Who needs Santa Claus when you have the Ho-Ho-Holy Spirit? Such gifts, by the way, are those of the healing of sickness and the driving out of demons (though I repeat myself), but they can also include the amazing proclivity to receive prophetic inspiration in the form of
I was lying there in bed, and I heard the Lord begin to speak to me, and I looked at the clock, and when I looked at the clock, it was 2:41 AM.
The entire vision is written in this soporific style, and is the fundamentalist equivalent of one of those “ocean waves” relaxation tapes.
“Thou shalt shall be wordy, yea, long-winded to the point of stupefaction of thine audience, yet entertain them thou wilt not! Thou shalt abuse the word “and” until thou cometh off as a cheap imitation of Danielle Steel! Grammar shalt be forever out of thy blind and groping reach! Was that four?”
And the first sentence was: The wind had blowed all night.
The wind isn’t the only thing that blowed, either.
(then) I've made a way where there is no way.
And the sparrows fly at midnight. This cryptic communique brought to you by the Lord. Incoherence Our speciality.
(then) Fill your valley full of ditches.
And your mountain full of molehills. I wonder what improvements could be made to flat land?
(and) The Sons of Issachar knew the seasons and the times, and the times and the seasons.
The Lord accurately pegged Master Weaver Ministries as the type which needed things repeated to them a few times before they got it. Chalk one up to the Lord.
And then all of a sudden I begin to hear a noise like a wind. And, as I begin to hear the wind, I begin then to hear a sound of a clatter, and in this clatter, it begin to sound like something clanking.
It begin to look like the Lord is stuck in the early industrial age with flywheels, cogs and steam.
And, as the vision begin to come before me, I saw a windmill like you'd see on a farm.
A funny farm.
And, I kept looking at it because I could hear the wind blowin and I could hear the windmill turning, but it was doing nothing… And about that time I saw the hand of God bump the rod
This sounds almost as though God is committing the sin of Onan. No, wait, I take that back; she did mention the blowin, after all.
And, when it did then, you could hear this rumble from deep, and it looked like dirt blew out of the pipe, and it looked like muddy water begin to roll, and all of a sudden, pure water begin to run out of this, where the wind had been blowing, and it begin to fill the tank.
Forrest Gump could have written this, had he been extremely inane. I keep expecting to see the words “progris riport”.
And then all of a sudden I heard this rumbling of a car engine. It was like it was revved as high as it could go. And it was sitting in the grass.
“And it was like the grass was all rolled up. And I was smoking the grass. But I didn’t inhale, because I was blowin.”
And about this time, I watched the Hand of God bump the car. And when it did, the car bounced off the bricks, and boy the ride, it was just real bumpy. I mean it was bumpy.
Author, thesaurus. Thesaurus, author. Unless “bump” refers to some company and this is product placement?
It was throwing the driver all over the car, he was barely able to hang on the wheel, and it was like hitting every bump in the road, and then all of a sudden, it went out onto a three-lane highway. And, the car begin to fit the three-lane highway.
The car expanded to the point where it fit the entire highway? If this was filmed, it could be called The Incredible Swelling Car, or Jesus, I Blew Up The Car.
And then all of a sudden I saw myself in a valley full of ditches. But all the ditches were empty.
Are you sure they weren’t graves instead of ditches? Maybe even the dead were trying to get away from the clanking, clattering, bumping and blowin.
And I watched the hand of God bump the stream back together. And, when it did, it begin to flow, and it begin to fill the ditches. And, so the valley was filled with plenty.
Plenty of bumpy water, certainly, and I couldn’t help getting the impression that God was writing his name in the valley, so to speak. Next up, the hand of God bumps out a cure for paper cuts!
And, then I heard a clock, a very large clock.
And the clock was missing its cuckoo.
And when I did, I thought, "Hmm, time." And it looked like a very large pocket watch, or a railroad watch or something.
Something watch-y, rather than bumpy. Perhaps it was also oozing off the branch of a burning bush.
And, He begin to tell me, He said: "Carol, tell my people in 2003 I have set them free,
The Lord’s a poet and, being omniscient, he probably knows it. What, precisely, his people were set free from is left to the imagination. Perhaps God, Quixote-like, rescued them from the evil windmill.
and that everything they have need of has been provided. And that everything that they thought could not be, has been, because the wind has blowed all night, I've made a way where there's been no way, I have filled their valley full of ditches, and I have synchronized their times, so that they can move forward with what I have for them."
The Lord’s vocabulary has grown since biblical times. Now if he could only learn the past tense of “to blow”, he would indeed be a deity worth having in a creative writing class.
"In 2000, I refined
crude oil, and breathed in the fumes produced, with the results that you see today.
In 2001, I defined.
Defined what, “boredom”?
How this supposed freedom relates to the expanding car, the Sons of Isaachar, the wind and the irrigated ditches is anyone’s guess.
God told me that from 2:41 AM Nov. 3, 2002, that the change has already happened. So, when we step into 2003 we are already free.
Um… yay? <waves a little flag> Still, this is apparently the least of the signs and wonders performed by Master Weaver Ministries, as detailed in their page of
“OK, this is going to be the tent. Who’s got the flashlight? I wanna tell the first story!”
”God healed me of 2 tumors (on her face - ed.); one large one and one smaller one. They just disappeared. I looked for them, in disbelief, & I couldn't find them!”
They were probably pimples, and this demonstrates the benefits of sleeping on one’s face. You might want to put a towel over your pillow first, though.
"....You said there was going to be weight loss. Since February (4 months - ed.) I have lost 55 lb., and after you said that I felt weight melting off my body..."
Sincerely, Calista Flockhart.
"The Lord gave you the words of what was wrong with my daughter that Jesus was healing, that no doctor in her 39 years could tell me why she was retarded at birth. I was right behind her crying of happiness."
I’ve read some incoherent statements before, but this there up ranking one. I’m still not sure why the mother was so overjoyed – because she found out what her daughter’s condition was (whatever it was), or because Jesus “was healing” it? How much progress had he made and when did he say he would have her completely cured? Healing just isn’t what it used to be in biblical times.
“…the few prophecies I have received have always been very accurate.
“You told me that I would have trouble finding a parking spot. Well, praise God and the blood of the Lamb, you were right! And then you said that if I persevered, I would indeed be able to park my car! Well, sir, I prayed in the mighty name of Jesus and someone pulled out right in front of me!”
What was so remarkable about your word was, that it confirmed what God has done with my past, is currently doing in my life and where he's taking me in the future.
To heaven, where else? Seriously though, is this vagueness supposed to impress anyone except those who already believe Master Weaver Ministries is a fundamentalist Nostradamus? The vision was detailed down to the very minute when God set people free from the windmill or the bumpy car; it’s a pity the testimonies couldn’t be similarly specific.
Additionally, I was delivered from hindering spirits. You also said something that brought me much healing about a spirit of misunderstanding.
Those might not be the only spirits around. Try indicating the level on any bottles with a Magic Marker.
I pray God will provide you and your family with a protective barrier against the wiles of the wicked one.”
Just make sure that protective barrier hasn’t been exposed to heat or pressure and doesn’t have any minute holes in it. The wily wicked one, however, has been at least partially exposed by Master Weaver Ministries, which goes on the offensive against anyone who might steal their thunder.
You need to know that the workings of the Holy Spirit have a completely different source from the origin of psychic operations, and a different outcome! One source brings life, one brings death.
But after that death, you can go to heaven to be with Jesus. So really, it’s a good kind of death, sort of like buying a ticket to Disneyland.
In fact, under the Law of Moses, in the Old Testament, psychics were to be executed. We do not advocate that today.
Hard labor while being farmed for spare organs is preferable; also kinder, because it gives them the opportunity to repent of their sins.
Instead we pray that God will cause their hearts to be turned in true repentance to the Lord Jesus Christ, that their sins be washed away. Meanwhile, if you've had any contact with these counterfeit operations, you have been defiled by them. You need to give your life to Jesus, repent of the sin, and receive Jesus' cleansing.
Jesus cleans you from the inside out with a solution of soapy water. This washes away your sins and any organic matter adhering to them.
All believers in Jesus have the God-given privilege to pray for the healing of the sick and should expect God produce results. Additionally, followers of Jesus are encouraged in the Scriptures to move in the simple levels of prophetic utterance.
I guess this makes Christianity a for-prophet organization. Unfortunately, Master Weaver Ministries doesn’t elucidate what the complex levels of prophetic utterance are, and when followers of Jesus can move in them. Do you have to get a passing grade in Simple Prophecy 101 before you can take the advanced course?
All counterfeit operations bring spiritual delusion, and, ultimately, death to the partakers.
So take that, competition! Ha ha ha! Now, when do we get a 1-900 number?
It is a sin to participate in them, approve of them, or to tolerate them. Moving in psychic operations causes a person to become defiled, unclean in the spirit realm…
But shiny sparkly lemon-fresh in the material realm.
These gifts do not operate all the time; they operate as He (God) wills, when, where, and how He wills; Christians merely yield to Him at those times He wants to move.
So you mean there might be times when dying people can’t be healed or profoundly mentally retarded people can’t be instantly cured? Who woulda thunk it? I guess when they said, “believers should expect God to produce results”, one of the results might be “no change at all in the situation, please pass the collection plate”.
As you are reading this little article, God's supernatural manifestations are happening all around the world. They operate by faith. You probably need to chew on that thought a while.
As well as being contingent on God’s will, the “gifts” now operate by “faith”. Good thing this little article didn’t go on any longer; the gifts might have had even more terms and conditions added to them. But while you’re chewing on what passes for thought in the article, you might want to accept Christ into your life.
Do you have a giant hole in your
head? If so, you have just been chosen to send in a “love offering”.
life that needs "something" to give life meaning? Have you been seeking for satisfaction, for pleasure, and found only disappointment and emptiness?
What if you have been seeking for satisfaction, for pleasure, and have found them? Master Weaver Ministries does not address this unlikely – nay, impossible – occurrence.
God reveals Himself as male, as Father.
God, the divine flasher. He did it in the Old Testament (Exodus 33:23) and He’s doing it today. Praise the Lord, He never changes!
God is backing up those who speak the truth about God's Son Jesus Christ by giving supernatural demonstrations of Himself which bring wholeness to all aspects of the human being.
Because just the truth about Jesus would never do. People need flash and glamour to be impressed; first dazzle them with the show and then pass around the hat. I mean, come on, what wouldn’t you pay to be whole in all your aspects, whatever that means?
This is happening now, all over the world, no matter what you personally have been taught, or have or have not experienced.
The author must have been taken up to a high mountain where she could see all the kingdoms of the earth and watch God performing his supernatural demonstrations in each of them, sort of like a traveling circus.
We can say boldly on the basis of sound, reliable eyewitnesses that God is backing up the declaration of the truth of who Jesus Christ is, by constantly producing healings and miracles such as deliverance from disease, from deformities, and sometimes from death itself, from AIDS, from insanity,
But not from inanity – the final frontier for god.
from anger, from addictions, from wounds and hurts of the past, and more.
This would be the same god whose gifts only work when he wants them to – a far cry from the claim of constancy.
When you accept Jesus Christ of Nazareth as your Savior, forsaking all other paths, and you keep on following Him, you are promised… That you'll grow to be like Him, little by little.
You will develop holes in your hands and feet, and you will have a strange aversion towards T-shaped pieces of wood. However, you will be the hit of any party, since you will be able to turn water into beer, or maybe even gasoline, surely an useful skill today.
You will certainly confront the Real God when you die in your sins. Tomorrow may never come for you; this may be your last day on earth!
Is that a prophecy? If so, it’s unfortunately not the self-fulfilling kind.
God is writing the record book of your life: THIS DAY, what will He write of you, my brother, my sister?
Well, I can’t speak for God the supernatural demonstrator (chain yourself to that railing! Votes for gods!), but I know what I’ll write. THIS DAY I read an interminable and meaningless prophecy and was told that God, who performs all over the world, constantly produces miracles only when he wants to. THIS DAY, I will write that Master Weaver Ministries seems to have aimed for a rich tapestry, but has produced only a worn and ragged security blanket. Except for “the wind had blowed all night”. Now that one I’ll always remember.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords