Hello everyone, and welcome to a special edition of the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week, the mountain went to Mahomet, only to find itself sadly outmatched. Two Baptist ladies came a-knocking at the lion’s lair, asking if I wanted to attend their church. I imagined the communion wine boiling away as the windows spontaneously exploded, and said, “No thanks, I’m an atheist.” Perhaps feeling brave (there were, after all, two of them), they engaged me in discussion as to why I wouldn’t drink the Kool– I mean, subscribe to their particular religion. I soon realized that these two unfortunates were about as Nut as anything I’d find on the web, and the ensuing conversation is transcribed below.

Baptist : If there isn’t a god, where did all this come from?
Me : What do you mean by “all this”, exactly? Humans? The planet? Life, the universe and--
Baptist (waving an arm) : This. Just look around you. Everything.
Me : (Including that dog poop?) Science has traced human evolution and the development of life on earth. There’s no evidence that “everything” happened in six days.
Baptist : Well, the bible says so.
Me : The bible is a deeply flawed book with many inconsistencies.
Baptist : No, it’s not. God isn’t inconsistent.
Me : As I pointed out, I don’t believe in your god, or any god for that matter.
Baptist : Why won’t you? He loves you so much.
Me : He doesn’t seem to like women very much, judging from the way they’re treated in the bible.
Baptist : There’s a natural order of how people should be treated.
Me : Really? So when the black people were treated as inferior, that was part of this ‘natural order’?
Baptist : No, that was a man-made order, so it was wrong. God’s order is right. But we’ve stopped following God’s order, so the world is in a terrible state today.
Me : Is that how you justify this double standard? By saying ‘God says so, therefore it’s all right to treat people differently’?
Baptist (indicating her friend) : Well, I’d treat her differently than I’d treat you.
Me : Yes, but that’s because you know her. Would you treat me differently simply because I happen to have been born with a particular set of sexual organs? If I looked down on you because you have white skin, would that be all right?
Baptist # 2 : Can I ask you a question? Would you just read the book of John, then go down on your knees and pray to Jesus?
Me : Sure, if you’ll just read the Holy Qu’ran, then go down on your knees and pray to Allah.
Baptist # 2 : I can’t do that!
Me : Well, if you won’t do that for another god, why should I do that for yours?
Baptist : Because Jesus is real, not Allah.
Me : As far as I’m concerned, they’re at the same level. You don’t believe in 99 out of a hundred gods. I just go one step further.
Baptist : Well, you said you used to be a born-again christian, but I don’t think you were ever really were one.
Me : So you think that Jesus was lying when he said that if we repented and accepted him as our savior, we’d be Christians?
Baptist : No! I think you were deceiving yourself.
Me : You know, I think it’s kind of rude to go to people’s houses and call them liars. That’s just me, though, and I’m an atheist. I obviously don’t know how real christians behave. Is that what real christians do?
Baptist : The bible says that if you think there’s no god, then you’re lying to yourself.
Me : The bible also says “the simple believeth every word”, Proverbs 14:15.
Baptist : The bible says, “the fool says in his heart, there is no god.”
Me : I’d be really careful about calling someone a fool; Jesus had something to say about that and hellfire.
Baptist : It’s not me saying this. The bible says it.
Me : (Do you have any thoughts of your own or am I speaking to a tape recording of the bible?) The bible also portrays the god you love so much as a child murderer.
Baptist # 2 : A child murderer?
Me : Yes. Remember when the Israelites are supposed to have left Egypt? What did this god do? He slaughtered every first-born son. We’re talking babies and little children here. I don’t want to have anything to do with anyone who murders children.
Baptist : Well, some day you’ll have something to do with him. Some day, you’re going to need God very much.
Me : And if the Muslims are right, some day you’re going to need Allah very much. And if the Hindus are right, some day you might be a cockroach. (That would be an improvement.)
Baptist : That’s not what the bible says.
Me : The bible says it’s an abomination to eat shellfish, but then does a flip-flop and says clams are safe after all.
Baptist : Well, I can see there’s a deep unhappiness in you.
Me : (You must be Counselor Troi.) Deep unhappiness?
Baptist : Yes. There’s such a difference between talking to you and talking to Christians.
Me : (I’ll bet – all the difference between speech and bleating.) And there’s such a difference between talking to you and talking to other atheists and agnostics. They have an intellectual honesty that--
Baptist : They’re not honest. The bible says they’re liars.
Me : The bible also says that a woman who is raped should marry her rapist – Deuteronomy 22:28. Doesn’t seem like the best etiquette guide around.
Baptist : Well, I can see we’re getting nowhere here
Me : Actually, we are.
Baptist : Really?
Me : Yes, I’m going to write this up for my column, the Weekly Nutwatch. It’s been real fun.
Baptist : We should be leaving. How old are you?
Me : (Old enough not to believe in fairy tales) Twenty-six.
Baptist : I have a son your age.
Me : How nice. (I hope the voices in your head never tell you to sacrifice him.)
Baptist : Anyway, we’re leaving. We’ll pray for you.
Me : Sure. I’ll think for both of us.
Baptist : I doubt it. Our thinking is clearly miles apart.
Me : Well, one of us has to think. It might as well be me – I’ve had more practice. You have a nice day!

In summary, these Flanders-clones were the condensed distillation of Christian fundamentalism, embodying nearly every cliche in the calendar. Ignorant of logic, blind to everything except their particular subset of Christianity, and unable to comprehend how I could continue to exist without it - it was genuinely sad to see this kind of thing in real life. This is what happens when brains are replaced with bibles, and if there really was a loving god, he would never have let these poor drones go anywhere near me in the first place. I looked through the window after I shut the door, and they were heading straight for the parking lot. Hasta la vista, Baptists!

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords