Hello everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this edition of the Nutwatch is dedicated to Arrowman, who cheered me up with a hilarious story recently. And speaking of funnies, today I was having a great deal of fun surfing the web until the strains (literally) of mournful gospel music MIDIed their way to me from a certain website which begged to be brought to your attention. It is my pleasure to present
Seldom has the title of a website succeeded in causing my eyes to narrow and my nostrils to flare like a hound on the scent.
While I already realize that the author’s worth is expressed only in the number of children she can carry to term, I realize, from a quick skim of the homepage, that the author doesn’t even mention her name. She is known only as Seven of-- I mean, Mom of 9.
My aim is to win people lost in sin to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.
The theme of lost people is echoed and re-echoed through the Reader’s Digest-type epistles. Children who are not christian are lost, husbands who are unbelievers are lost. Though considering this author’s mentality, I think it’s not so much “lost” as “deliberately hiding”.
Now, while the too-cute graphics (everything is flowers, cherubs or gingham checks) might have one’s blood sugar soaring, I wouldn’t want to give anyone the impression that Mom of 9 (Blessed be the fruit… may the Lord open) has nothing to offer the gentlemen. She provides much valuable advice for men, beginning with
And how many roads must he walk down?
She didn’t actually write it herself; her pastor did, and she hurries to explain the unfeminine title :
I perfectly understand that I as a woman am not to teach nor usurp authority unto a man. That is not what this is for. I find it to be an excellent message BY A MAN to MEN.
Just in case, you know, we thought it was BY A WOMAN to MEN, in which case it would have no use whatsoever, except perhaps as more evidence for Satan’s wily ways.
We find that a man IS a man when he recognizes AUTHORITY.
Jawohl! I mean, praise the lord!
We find that questioning authority is not a mark of a man but rather a mark of
The beast!
rebellion, or making excuses, pointing a finger at others to give excuse to himself.
And as you know, this God-fearing country gained independence when people obeyed British authority, rather than doing unmanly things like rebelling.
A good example here is that you ignore the word of God and allow your children to dress immodestly, your wives too!
What if it’s the immodest dresses on the wives that produce the children?
Further help for men comes from an anonymous poster who contributes the following delightful anecdote about how she converted her unbelieving husband (referred to as “lost husband” in the URL) :
He came to me a few days after we had been at church one Sunday and asked me if I had been praying for his "confusion", LOL I said you mean "conviction" he said yeah whatever
I didn’t need to pray for his confusion since he was such a half-wit already, LOL
I told him yes I was, he told me I thought so cause nothing in my life is going right about now LOL.
WELL a few weeks later Vern calls me from work about 6:00 AM I was like WHAT DO YOU WANT LOL
A divorce! I guess now you’re SOL, LOL
I read the article Avoiding Temptation, subtitled “Sitting at the feet of Jesus” (though not on them, because that makes risen Jesus cry), but unfortunately it contained nothing at all spicy. So we move on to what used to be the most vile part of this site - the “Train up a child” series. Taken from a book by Dr. Jack Hyles, called "How to Rear Children" (because what would a woman know about such things?), this site once contained instructions on how to beat children from the time they were toddlers, enough to leave marks on their skin, and to beat them until they were crying “tears of a broken spirit”. This was actually what brought Mom of 9’s (Happy, Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Bashful...) site to my attention, several years ago. However, due to complaints – some of which were from the Internet Infidels – these missives of love are now taken down. Still, what remains is very entertaining, beginning with a lesson on how to react to advertisements that we don’t like :
My mother would hold up a liquor ad and say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no."
“It’s no good! Urge to drink... rising! Mommy... must... drink!”
She would then tear it up, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it, all the time saying, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
She would breathe hard and pant as she did so, eventually yelling, “Yes, yes, yes!”
She would then give me a liquor ad. I would say, "No, no, no, no, no, no." Then I would tear it up, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it saying, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
Fundy see, fundy do. I wonder if this poor fellow, conditioned like one of Pavlov’s dogs, still goes nuts when he sees ads for liquor? Hopefully he buys the offending publications before he tears them up.
Always make the pain of the punishment far in excess of the pleasure of the wrong: For example, a boy comes in thirty minutes late from a date. He could have gotten home on time but he wanted to spend thirty minutes more with his girlfriend. he is scolded or maybe even spanked. Now what boy wouldn't be willing to get a spanking for thirty minutes more with his girlfriend?
I have nothing to add to this one. Seriously.
Self-control in eating should be strongly emphasized from infancy.
Teach baby to say “no thank you” to that second breast.
The parent should always attach the result with the act. The words "drink" and "drunkard" should be associated.
“Jesus’s first miracle involved drink, and so did the last supper. So Jesus was a drunkard. Let’s all pray for Jesus.”
All this ultimately produces a paper doll straight out of an Ayn Rand novel, someone who has no confidence and no self-worth – in other words, someone perfect for a fundamentalist lifestyle.
He should be doing what he can to lighten the burdens of others and to make their lives more comfortable. It is interesting how many words include the word "other". Notice the words, "mother," "another," "brother".
Bother.
In the short “story” God and the Scientist, a bunch of scientists (fields unspecified, institutions unknown, grants probably non-existent) decide that they don’t need god. Right away you get the impression that these are evolutionists or something. Anyway, a spokes-scientist is selected to break the bad news to god, who proposes “a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
“I haven’t had sex since grad school! Looking forward to getting me some!”
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
And this is the story of how Dr. Billy, the Deluded Evolutionist, learned never to let the opposition define the playing field.
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
And the scientist said, “I don’t see your name on it.” So God smited him, and smited him good. Moral : Scientists are silly.
And so are working mothers. In The Purpose of Motherhood, a charming little story of the Prodigal Woman is told; this poor fool set out to do a man’s work but realized what a useless being she was :
So she said to herself, "I will arise and go to my husband and will say unto him, 'Husband, I have sinned against heaven and neglected by [sic] family in a terrible way. I am no more worthy to be called thy wife, nor the mother of thy children. Make me as the hired housekeeper.'" So she gathered her tools together and started home.
This doglike grovelling restored the world to its natural order, so the doormat and its owner lived happily ever after.
The chain of command goes : God > Jesus > Man > Woman. Every time women try to lead, they screw it up somehow, not having the necessary brains or balls, so men have to keep them in their place. For their own good, of course. And whether a christian woman likes it or not, she has to obey her husband – even if he tells her to do something like have an abortion. God will somehow step in to save the embryo, but the woman has to obey her husband.
Can we still agree that the Scriptures say a wife should obey her husband? Beyond any doubt, the Scriptures say so! Amen? There is not one that has a restriction or exception is there? Not one that says there is a time when a wife should not obey her husband.
Jump off the roof? Yes, dear. Rob a bank? At once, dear. Take the rap for your crimes? Certainly, dear! May I finish the laundry when they let me out on parole?
The Scriptures say a woman must ignore her “feelings” about the will of God, and do what her husband says. She is to obey her husband as if he were God Himself. She can be as certain of God’s will, when her husband speaks, as if God had spoken and she heard it from Heaven.
I’m starting to see why so many women look the other way during blatant child abuse.
Okay, now you ask? “Don’t I have any rights? Am I just to be a plain old slave all my days? Listen carefully now….You don’t have any rights, no rights at all. You lost them on the day you rebelled against God.
So the answer is “Yes, you are going to be a plain old slave all your days.” Any more stupid questions?
In what I call The Fashion Pages, Mom of 9 (“A uterus is a terrible thing to waste”) offers tips on clothing.
I have 5 girls, they have never for one day in their lives worn pants or shorts...(with the exception of my oldest--she was on a mission trip in Venezuela and it was necessary in the jungle for protection from gnats)
Why the girl couldn’t simply bear the suffering she deserved and fix her thoughts on God instead, we’ll never know.
And even then she called on a ham radio, and said "Mom, I dont know what to do"
And then I called my husband and said, “Dear, I don’t know what to do.” And then he spoke to Jesus and said, “Lord, I don’t know what to do.” And then He spoke to God and said, “Why can’t these twits ever decide things for themselves?”
A feminine woman is in her rightful place of an elevated position. But as soon as she steps down off her pedestal to wear pants and be "equal" to a man, it drags everybody down
Like Ray Bradbury’s butterfly, a woman’s decision to wear pants has terrible consequences on the space-time continuum.
which is exactly what Satan wants. The devil is still whispering in Eve's ear to destroy mankind.
Eve : Oooh, Satan, that tickles.
Satan : Shut up! Get a degree!
It’s a shameful crime when society succeeds in convincing little girls they should be tough, ambitious and masculine.
As opposed to weak, shiftless and feminine. Which pervert dreamed up the Doctor Barbie, anyway?
Mom of 9 (menopause is a form of birth control, right?) even links to a speciality clothing store for christian women. PureinHeart clothing – brought to you by the Republic of Gilead. Do they also sell abas?
There are a million anti-woman sites out there, but this one, steeped in saccharine and psychotic in personality, is one of the more brain-dead of them. We might be the "lost", but if Mom of 9 (the improved version of Mom of 8) is considered "found", I'd like to stay exactly where I am - in the real world.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords