Hello everyone, and welcome to an all-new Nut that is ready to sprout at any moment! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week’s subject is a text-only clone of Jack Chick in the diatribes against Catholics, evolution and sex (not necessarily in that order), although its own slant on Christianity is the rabid fixation on the Second Coming. Since the great event is supposed to occur any second now, the authors even leave a list of hilarious instructions and warnings for those of us who aren’t so fortunate as to join them in the Hale-Bopp com--I mean, the Rapture. I do hope these people are still around, because they exceed even Chick in over-the-top hysteria. Without further ado, let’s make the plunge, because this week’s Nutwatch sinks its fangs into the Left Behind of
!!!WARNING!!! In case of RAPTURE... this website will be unmanned!!!!!!
And exclamation marks will conquer the world.
(You have been warned!)
Why, yes. Apparently, that was the purpose of the “!!!WARNING!!!”. Right away you get the impression that the Rapture Report is aimed at those with short-term memory problems.
We see massive ecumenicism where all kinds of different religions try to unite in some kind of doctrineless unity. The target is to get closer to Roman Catholicism… One day, after the rapture, this false unity will reach its climax
Moderate your language! Won’t someone think of the children?
with a world-wide super church under the antichrist.
As opposed to a world-wide super church under the christ. This is presumably what heaven is like.
STOP!!!!!! Answer this QUESTION....
I know for certain that if I were to die today, I would go to ________!
The morgue. That’s where dead bodies usually go if they’re lucky.
There are only two possible answers to the above question.... HEAVEN or HELL.
Well, here’s a third : Wherever you people are not going. I’d rather not spend an eternity hearing tirades such as Alan Yusko’s claims that
Since the lost person has his own moral standards, he freely fornicates with his body.
As opposed to fornicating with his hypothalamus or his fax machine?
Lost people see nothing wrong with sexual immorality between consenting adults. What are the results of this type of reasoning?
Evolution? Cannibalism?
Terrible sickness, pain (physical and emotional), abortion (murder of innocent blood) and an early death are some results of sexual sin. Sicknesses like AIDS, herpes and other terrible and incurable sexual diseases are very common for the fornicators.
The word of the day is terrible, brought to us by Alan Yusko. Non-terrible and curable “sexual diseases” must be less common for fornicators; perhaps those are reserved for married couples who aren’t having enough babies.
So if you want to increase your pain and suffering simply violate the moral laws of God and you will get all the pain, sickness, and death you can handle!
Just like what happened to Job. Oh wait, he was supposed to be a God-fearing man...
However, before you start, be sure to go out and pick out a nice casket with proper funeral arrangements. Get lots of flowers for your casket as you'll be needing these things before your time!
And get some garlic to repel emotional vampires like the author.
Also get an extra deep hole for burial so you will not cause too much contamination as your disease racked and decaying body is placed in the ground.
I’m amazed that they don’t suggest dumping corpses into a nuclear reactor. I assume that the authors’ bodies will never decay, but instead turn to platinum, or maybe chocolate.
Those who fornicate do not think that God can see what is happening… God is aware of ever act of fornication and adultery.
God, the cosmic voyeur. Does He also spy on people who are married to each other, or is that kind of sex too boring for Him?
Can a person stick his hand in open fire and not be burned? The answer is no he cannot!
What a disappointment. I thought that, “with god, all things are possible”. Guess not.
Therefore do not think YOU can fornicate or commit adultery and not pay any consequences for that sin. You can be infected with a tormenting and deadly disease or you may be killed by a jealous spouse.
For those of us who are aware of condoms and antibiotics, a new scare tactic is required. This sex-obsessed God must use legions of O. J. Simpsons to do His dirty work for Him.
For those involved in adultery be aware. The other person's spouse may become very jealous and take vengeance out upon YOU.
Not to mention his wife or children, thereby eradicating a few more adultery genes from the population. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo.
How does a person protect himself from such an attack?
Use the Force!
Simple, do not fornicate and commit adultery. Obey the moral laws of God and one will be spared from a multitude of troubles!
Just in case such quaint, er, reasoning was lost on anyone, Joseph Chambers delivers the next rhapsody on the horrors of sex, this time focusing on the mental disorders caused by illicit orgasms, in the article
Sex sins are the darkest sins in the human family. Sex sins are against your own body… Sex sins will make a wreck out of your life. Every sex sin is a work of evil spirits.... Sex sins in the Bible are always judged with the strongest of judgments. Not one person guilty of sex sins will enter the kingdom of God...
As a little boy, Joseph probably got his mouth washed out with soap for saying the word “sex”. Now, he finally gets to indulge himself. Next time, see Joseph tackle “penis”!
For a man to invade the body of a woman who is not his wife is a violation of every law of decency.
Remind me again : was God married to Mary?
For a man to even look on another woman with evil in his heart is to violate that lady and to undress her in the dark recesses of his mind.
I’m not sure any of the authors of the Rapture Report are capable of undressing themselves, let alone another person. It must be eating them up inside… poor, poor things.
We are a mystery that the greatest doctor cannot fathom. Every design of our being is beyond description of the greatest mind of this educated generation.
The word of the day is “greatest”, brought to us by Joseph Chambers. See also “hyperbole” and “bullshit”.
We are made in His likeness and after His design and for His glory.
Such humbleness and self-effacement. I feel like searching my skin for a trademark stamp or “Copyright : God”.
No wonder that men and women who become fornicators in the sins of heterosexual acts soon degenerate to the sins of lesbianism and homosexuality.
I have nothing to add to this. Seriously.
The spirits of sexual sins have one ultimate goal and that goal is to submerge their victims in an endless list of vile blasphemies to God the Creator. Sex sins cannot be separated from the demons that direct and promote these acts.
If sexual acts are associated with otherworldly beings, does this mean that angels direct and promote sex between Christians who are married to each other? Or can the Christians generally manage to copulate without supernatural assistance?
It is sad to look at what happens to the physical body of a fornicator.
Wishful thinking. Who would ever show their physical body to the author?
Every sex sin they commit is actually driving nails in their own coffin. Because they do not die the next day most people tend to ignore the slow death of sex sins.
They don’t die the next day? What are all those jealous spouses doing, slacking off? Come on, chop chop!
The emotions of a fornicator always become frayed and sharp… Slowly, this person will become defensive, possibly angry, and certainly critical of anyone that dares to question his/her sinful life.
When you question Godly people about their sex lives, they run away or swoon from embarrassment; when you question other people, they tell you to bug off. This is how you can distinguish the two kinds of people, though why the latter will not have sex with you is still a great mystery for the ages.
Many fornicators actually develop such emotional problems as to be either slightly or grossly insane
They then go on to be televangelists.
and lose all sense of self-discipline. Responsibility for family or loved ones is eventually forsaken. Mothers or fathers will actually forsake their own children and the mental well-being of these children to be joined to this new mate as two possessed people joined to one another.
You’d think this was a good thing. I mean, do you really want families to be brought up by indecent, evil, gay, terminally ill, demon-possessed and dead people? Won’t someone please think of the children? Well, Nancy Pruett tries to, in the article
A woman is created to be a nurturer and a caregiver. When she aborts a child, regardless of the circumstances, she is acting in a way that violates her nature as a woman.
So what does she do then, grow testes?
Rationalizing her actions does nothing to change that fact… Deep inside she knows she carried life within her, a life that she destroyed.
Oh wait, that was her chemotherapy regime. It was still life though, precious growing life inside her!
Men are created to be providers and protectors. They experience the same expectation of punishment for their violation.
As long as everyone can be punished and made miserable for daring to not have a baby, it’s good. Though if the man violated his nature as a man, would he have to start wearing skirts and makeup?
But if the Lord is allowed to use a miscarriage or stillbirth, it can lead to the healing of the abortion.
I wonder how the Lord “uses” a miscarriage or stillbirth? Unless the author means “take advantage of a miscarriage or stillbirth to manipulate and browbeat a person”?
At some point after the abortion, the guilt within her soul demands to be addressed. Society will not punish her. The courts will not punish her. She lives with the fear that surely God will give her what she deserves.
A session with vindictive fundamentalists like the author? No, that would be too harsh. This viewpoint isn’t so much pro-life as it is pro-pain. Hey, maybe the author is a pro-pain salesperson.
So the payment is gradually offered. A miscarriage, a sick child, a failed marriage, a lost job, a tragic accident, a debilitating injury. The list is as long and varied as the imagination allows.
The imagination in question being far more Nancy Pruett’s than any hypothetical man-woman’s out there. Still, the whole Rapture Report reads like an extended wish-fulfilment fantasy with a dash of LSD, especially when it helpfully leaves guidance and instructions for those of us who won’t be joining the authors as they float off into the sky like helium balloons, in the article
At that time God's saints will be given their resurrection bodies as the Church is caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord. At the exact same time every believer in the world will be transformed…
Into huge robots armed with laser cannons. Transformers, more than meets the eye!
WHO WILL THE ANTICHRIST BE?
By now,(those reading this tract AFTER the rapture), you will know the identity of the antichrist… Some have speculated it could be the king of Spain, others speculate it could be Prince Charles, others think Clinton is a candidate.
Shall we place bets? What are the odds on the Pope, or is he too old and decrepit to qualify? Probably so, judging from the characteristics of the antichrist, all of which are derived from a literal reading of Revelations.
On the outside this man will be very 'charismatic' and will be loved by all the lost people who reject the Lord Jesus. However, the antichrist is described above as being very strong, terrible, and dreadful.
I guess the Pope doesn’t qualify, unless he’s been secretly pumping iron.
The antichrist will be a man who will rise to power sometime after the rapture of the Church. He will overcome and defeat 3 kings in his rise to power.
Caspar, Balthazar and Melchior, just like in the Christmas carol.
This man will have a mouth that speaks great things… The antichrist will have a very good charismatic appearance.
And a very short attention span. It will be necessary to repeat “good morning” to him at least three times for him to grasp the time of day, and don’t get me started on political events!
The above verse says his look was more stout than his fellow.
I like ice cream.
He will be very attractive and appealing to the lost people of the world. He will speak very great things.
The author who wrote the article is from the Department of Redundancy Department.
This man will have knowledge and solutions for the problems of mankind. People will be left in awe of this man and his knowledge.
Yes, that sounds a lot like Prince Charles. Is Camilla Parker-Bowles the Whore of Babylon?
Another point is that the antichrist will be a sodomite and not even desire women.
The antichrist is Tinky Winky? One thing’s for sure, this knocks President Clinton right out of the running. Go on back to Little Rock, Billy.
The antichrist will be like a leopard which means he will be very fast in his rise to power. He will also be strong like a bear. Finally, the antichrist will have a big mouth like a lion that spews forth blasphemy.
Genetic engineering gone haywire – once more science threatens to destroy the world!
This is an encouragement to God's people. You are going to be killed for your faith in Jesus.
That’s encouragement all right. The authors must do a lot of counselling work with lemmings.
Christians never loose.
Christians always tight.
Yes you will die here on earth, but you will be instantly welcomed in the presence of God Almighty!
There, you can answer once and for all the question of what kind of hair the Good Lord had. Dr. Jack Hyles is convinced that the Man Among Men would never have been so effeminate as to wear his chestnut locks like gay people or women, therefore
We all have short hair. Oh, wait, you mean on his head.
The paintings of Christ are simply artists' conceptions and have no Scriptural authorization. At least one historian of His day described Him as being a tall man with chestnut-colored hair, parted in the middle, with short hair which turned up at the end.
Um, that sounds more like it came from a beautician of His day. And if Jesus’s short chestnut (!) hair parted in the middle and curled at the ends, He must have looked an absolute fright. The Romans probably did Him a favor by putting Him out of His misery.
Parents, start your son with haircuts and short hair when he is a baby. With discipline and, if needs be, punishment, see to it that as he grows up he uses his hair as a symbol of patriotism and Christianity.
Maybe the son should have his hair dyed red, white and blue, with a cross shaved into it. No, wait, to be a True Christian, he should have the same hairstyle as Jesus – center parting, curly ends, chestnut tint, crown of thorns. With those looks, he will also be praying that the Rapture occurs at any moment.
As well as all these delightful essays, the Rapture Report also features a page of
that contains the following description :
This is an interesting article about a religious man who got in lots of trouble for yolking himself with pagans in a worship service.
Were they egging him on? Didn’t he know they were going to shell?
The coup de grace, however, is the Rapture Report’s literary leaning in the form of an
which turned out to be a novella-play with delusions of grandeur. This endeavor tells the story of Andrew, who passes out tracts on the Great Highway of Life to such “characters” as Honey Common-Law, who’s shacking up with a guy, or Burt Drug-Dealer, who is high on something other than Jesus. Of course, one such tract recipient has a PhD, so you know right away that he’s hellbound. Andrew tries to set him straight.
ANDREW: Evolution has hurt society in a great way…
Evolution didn’t call the next day. Or the rest of the week, for that matter. Then society saw evolution whooping it up with a new date.
Evolution is nothing more than a man-made theory that attempts to prove that God does not exist. Atheism is the foundation stone of evolution. A person who believes in evolution need not believe in God and the Bible may be thrown in the trash can. That is the ultimate goal of evolution.
And here I thought the ultimate goal of evolution was to breed super-humans which could fly and shoot laser beams from their hands. Go figure. But I think I like my ultimate goal a lot better. I mean, I’ve see bibles in trash cans before, especially the little green kind. That’s an indication that these bibles were not as fit as other bibles, so they were selected against, and they’re out of the running now.
This evil theory has succeeded in removing the value to life of people in society...
As opposed to what, the life of people outside society? What kind of people would those be? Amalekites?
Atheistic evolution has given license to kill innocent unborn human being babies in the womb!
Those were the most qualifiers I have ever seen applied to the word “babies” and probably the most hysterical, literally. The rest of the e-novel is written in the same overblown style and ends with the usual impassioned warning that we should accept Jesus now. Don't you hate it when they introduce a deus ex machina at the last moment?
In summary, the Rapture Report is the distilled dregs of fundamentalism, as rabid and inaccurate as the best of Phelps or Chick, except with a sadly stilted vocabulary and a lack of artistic skill to express their no doubt burgeoning creativity. With their Clairol Jesus and gay antichrist, this is one of the funniest Nuts I’ve ever had the pleasure of dissecting. And, you know, that e-novel isn't so bad either. After all, it could have had a sequel.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords