Hello everyone, and welcome to the first Weekly Nutwatch, which will explore the more far-out, rabid and simply fundier-than-thou True Christian websites out there. I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and let me just say that 1. you’re a great crowd 2. there were so many Nutwatch-worthy sites out there, it was hard to choose. But this one leaped to the forefront, partly because of its name :
We’ll see whose sword is sharper.
By the way, they even host a “National Sword Conference”. Well, if I may be so blunt, their Statement of Faith page was a disappointment, being under construction. I mean, what’s the point of trying to save people if your own faith page needs repair? Physician, heal thyself. Or at least do a little writing and html it to your website – the pen is mightier…
OK, I’ll stop there, because I’ve stumbled upon something a little meatier – their Sermon Archives. In “Hell-Bent and Hell-Bound”, Dr. Bill Rice rails at Judas :
Judas Iscariot was not only wicked-he was a wicked fool! He was a lamebrain, a nitwit-just plain stupid!... For thirty pieces of silver-approximately eighteen dollars in American money (Jamieson-Fausset & Brown)-he sold out to the Devil. Can you imagine a man spending eternity in Hell for eighteen dollars? or eighteen thousand dollars! What a stupid, wicked fool!
Of course, if Judas hadn’t done that, Christ wouldn’t have been betrayed and crucified and poor Dr. Rice would be as unsaved as I. So therefore, if Judas was a fool, he was that most wonderful kind of fool – a fool for God. Much like Dr. Rice.
In “Stay with the Ark”, Dr. Ouellette confides :
When someone said that afraid just means "a reverential respect," I looked it up and found that the word fear in the Bible means "fear"–like the fear I had of my parents. When I disobeyed, I feared they were going to beat the daylights out of me!
Needless to say, child abuse of this kind leads to negative consequences later on in life, and we are looking at them :
such-and-such a church is allowing their young people to go to the movies. They are letting the girls wear shorts... That bothers me!
Indeed, Dr. Ouellette, I can see how thinking about females in skimpy clothing would... er, bother you. But think of how much worse you would feel if it were males in similar clothing who occupied your thoughts. I hope you have considered your blessings, sir.
He concludes :
I think it is best for children to be in church. I think it is best for children to go to Heaven and not go to Hell. Those kids have already been captured by the secular humanists in the public school system.
I had a vision of secular humanists armed with butterfly nets, chasing children.
They are taught nothing about God; they are taught that they descended from monkeys.
Should they be taught about the creationist god, a god for whom it is permissible to lie, an incredible shrinking god who dies a little with every new scientific discovery?
In “The Danger of Delay”, Dr. Curtis Hutson tells this cute story :
An atheist was a friend of a good Christian. When the Christian took sick and was in the hospital at the point of death, many people wanted to see him. Since he felt so bad, he wouldn’t see anyone. But when his atheist friend came, he let him in.
After a short time, the atheist asked this Christian man, "I know a lot of good Christian people from your church have come to see you, but you wouldn’t let them in. I’m an atheist. Why did you let me in?"
The friend said from his deathbed, "Sir, I will see all my Christian friends again. We will have an eternity to spend together in Heaven; but since I will never see you again after I die, I wanted to see you for the last time."
The atheist wept. Then the Christian led him to Christ.
And then the atheist said, “Hold on a sec, friend. Sure, I’ve gotten a little emotional here. Who wouldn’t, at the bedside of a dying man? But I still don’t understand all the contradictions in the bible, the inconsistencies and absurdities, not to mention the utter lack of evidence for the existence--”
The Christian flatlined. The atheist cried a little bit more, brought flowers to the funeral and then went about his life.
The best part, though, is the “Great Women of the Bible” sermon by Dr. John Rice. Now I wasn’t expecting any advances in feminism to be made here, but in the following speech,
I have had more reason to thank God for good women than most men. Mrs. Rice and I have been married now 55 1/2 years. Then God has given us six lovely daughters. Then some fine women help me at the Sword of the Lord Foundation.
would it have been too much to ask to give these women names?
The rest of it is quite typical :
A woman... may work to help her husband. And she may sometimes be left on her own resources and have to work outside the home. But the highest ambition of any woman should be to be a good wife and mother.
Because we all know that women can acomplish nothing of value outside the kitchen and the birthin’ stirrups.
And all good women want children.
That is not surprising. Psalm 127:3 says, "Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward." God have mercy on women who want to abort that precious one given of God!
But delivered via a rapist or Uncle Bob, in some cases. Hey, God works in mysterious ways.
Some women want the pleasures of a wife without the duties of a mother; the pleasures of a Hollywood whore, but not the responsibilities, joys and duties of a good wife and mother.
What exactly is a Hollywood whore and how would Dr. Rice know?
When the sixth baby came, Roger [the son-in-law] sent out a little card, My sixth arrow in my quiver.
Apparently he shares the family tendency of not actually naming one’s children. Simply counting them appears to be sufficient, and of course, neither the sex of the baby nor the condition of the mother are important - only the father's pride in his magnificent accomplishment of egg fertilization.
Someone says, "O Brother Rice, nobody ought to have more than one or, at most, two children in this day and time."
Who said so? God didn't. Do you want the heathen to populate the world? Do you want the drunks, the perverts, the infidels to fill up the world? What a crazy idea!
I’ll leave this one as it stands.
Good women, make motherhood a profession, your business in life.
Dr. Bob Jones, Sr., was the eleventh child of his mother. Had they stopped with ten, they wouldn't have had a preacher in the family. Do you think Mrs. Jones had too many children?
This would be the Bob Jones of Bob Jones University, which forbids interracial dating? Uh yes. Yes, she had way too many kids.
The rest of the sermon is devoted to the role of mothers in raising Christian children, and a more Kinder, Kuche und Kirche sermon I have never read.
“Looking for the Wounded”, by Dr. Clyde Box, is an unremarkable tale apart from a curious form of exclamation in one of the Chicken Puree stories of conversion :
Six months later his little granddaughter called again. "Would you go by the house and see Papa Morgan one more time?"
"Oh me! You know, I am not a masochist. That guy’s cussed me so many times…"
"Just go see him one more time; I know for sure he’s going to die this time."
"Okay."
I said to my assistant pastor, "We have to go see Papa Morgan."
He said, "Oh me!"
Oh me? “Oh my”, I could understand, but what the heck does “Oh me” mean? Is that a cute way of saying “Oh God”? 
In “Where will you be after the Rapture”, by Dr. Raymond Barber, we get into some rather kinky stuff :
While [the plagues, earthquakes, wars, famine, etc.] is happening on earth, Christians will be in Heaven enjoying the marriage supper of the Lamb! That is a seven-year honeymoon!
I remember when my wife and I were married, we... had just a simple room for a weekend honeymoon. But when Jesus comes, we will have a seven-year honeymoon! We are His bride, we are married to Him, and He is going to come for His waiting bride.
And you thought orgies occurred only in the Freethinkers’ Lounge. The next time fundies want to convert Muslims, they should show them this webpage. “So you thought seventy virgins were good? Friend, wait till you’ve had Jesus himself! Hey, Ray, is He a virgin? Mustafa here wants to know.”
Each sermon ends with a big, “DECIDE NOW” speech, bringing back fond memories of Jack Chick tracts. As fundy sites go, this one was hardly as incisive as its title would lead one to believe. Their sword was beaten into a plowshare a long time ago, and then someone left it in the rain until it rusted.
Till next week, infidels!
QueenofSwords