In the beginning were the nuts, and the infidel did behold them, and the infidel did laugh. And did decide to bring that cathartic experience to others. Over one year and forty-nine Nutwatches later, this has been funny and challenging and often informative, and I’ve enjoyed myself immensely. I hope you have as well. Thanks to everyone who provided me with feedback, including those theists who by their contributions made the Nutwatch even more fun, and especially to Bialar Crais and Defiant_Heretic for archiving the literary equivalent of lunchtime in the colosseum. And it’s Defiant_Heretic who suggested this week’s Nutwatch, the fiftieth fundamentalist to hit the ground hard enough to leave a swastika-shaped impression in it. If other websites are pools of confusion, this one is the Atlantic Ocean. If other websites are intolerant, this one would make the Ku Klux Klan hang up its sheets. Expect no sanity. Expect no humanity. But do expect to be entertained, because this week’s Nutwatch does what Moses originally did to
Or, as the perpetrator of the drivel refers to it,
Society for the Practical Establishment and Perpetuation of the Ten Commandments
Oxygen tanks should be provided for anyone wishing to say this mother of all pretentious phrases in one breath. As for what’s practical about establishing the 10C, please. That doesn’t even take a back seat to Robert Lee’s ranting and whining; that’s shoved right out of the theater to make room for his mindless vitriol, which overflows through the section
Considering how decent this exposure is, there must have been a Kleenex shortage in a fifty-mile radius around the Lee dungeon.
The best way to understand the nature of atheism is to understand its author. satan is its author.
Thus despite what you have been previously deceptively taught
adverbs look even better when you string two or more of them together in consecutive sequence. To hell with college English, Lee know betterer!
and despite the deceptive dictionary's
Or the lascivious lexicon’s, or the vicious vocabulary’s, or the godless glossary’s
meaning of atheism, atheism is properly defined as a denial of the existence of God in the midst of full knowledge that the true God does indeed exist.
Hey, if you get to define what I think, do I have a similar privilege? Fundamentalism is properly defined as a terror of reality when it contradicts anything the bible says, or which you think the bible says, or which the bible should say but doesn’t, or which you scribbled into your bible in the firm conviction that since it was written there, it had to come true somehow.
Atheism knows God exists; it is quite familiar with that fact,
Welcome to Leeworld, population one. Or two, if you count Lee’s son, Mini-Lee, but he’s probably the same person. Maybe he budded off, like a slime mold reproducing itself.
but it says "under no circumstance or situation will I admit to God's existence."
The position of self-appointed spokesperson for some form of religion doesn’t pay anything, but it does give a very disturbed man something to occupy his days. Besides crayoning on the walls and trying to call Jodie Foster, that is.
Atheism clearly perceives the fingerprints of God on all of creation, but refuses to admit He is the Creator.
Please check yourself for fingerprints; you may later have to point to a cloth doll to show the jury exactly where the fingerprints were.
Atheism perceives the decorousness and perfection of the TEN COMMANDMENTS, but refuses to admit they are superior to all other laws.
Oh good, finally a mention of the Ten Commandments. You know, if not for that little bit, Comrade Lee might have had to call it the Society for the Hating of Infidels and Thinkers, with an acronym that fits a whole lot better than the one he currently has.
If an atheist could see the wounds in the body of Christ and actually feel them with his hands,
You mean atheists feel with their hands, just like regular people? Well, I never.
he would deny that the wounds are there… Atheism is the ultimate of satanism. Ask satan does God exist and he will deny it.
Ask satan sounds like a syndicated advice column,with Lee speaking for satan – and I can think of no one better suited to the task.
Ask him does satan exist and he will deny his own existence even while in your presence.
How could he be in my presence when he never left yours? And the peekaboo game he’s playing wouldn’t make me as excited as it does you; I’m just not gullible enough. Hey, I’ll bet you also tried to catch the glowing red dot of a laser pointer, like my cat would do.
Atheism holds the Bible in one hand,
So does fundamentalism, with the great difference that the other hand is busy where other hands should never go.
but deny its existence by denying its truth with the other.
Uh… huh. Let me guess – this sentence was translated from Swahili by way of semaphore by a Patriot University graduate at night.
So now you realize that it is atheists (and other nonbelievers) who are in favor of putting their "terminally ill" parents to death;
How selfish can atheists (and other nonbelievers) get? If anyone’s "terminally ill”, let the Lord himself kill them! Why deprive Him of His pleasure? He doesn’t even have the trembling, breathless ecstasy of slaughtering entire tribes any more.
who are in favor of murdering innocent human embryos and fetuses;
When God murdered human (and non-human) embryos and fetuses, it was because they were guilty to the core – guilty of being some race other than Israelite. You see the yawning chasm between god and atheists right there.
who are perpetuating homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, pornography, pedophilia and etc;
Man, those so-called innocent embryos and fetuses get up to a hell of a lot. I’m not sure what the mysterious “etc.” is, though – necrophilia? Something even worse? Fundyphilia?
who are responsible for all the violence in the movie industry;
At least we aren’t blamed for all the violence in the bible. The violence in the movie industry is tame compared to that.
who are responsible for all the smut on the web;
Well, Bobbito (or is it Bobbitt?), now you know who provided the happiest moments of your life. Say, “Thank you, Mistress, though I am most unworthy” and I may yet permit you to live.
who bear false witness against the existence of God; who bear the false testimony that the earth came into being by a cataclysmic explosion; who bear the false testimony of evolution;
If knuckle-walking is good enough for the fundies and their ilk, by god it’s good enough for everyone else. And stay away from that bright hot orangey thing! It burns!
who bear the false testimony that man descended from the ape;
In your case, Mr. Lee, that’s an insult to apes everywhere. Koko called, and she wants you crossed off her family tree. Please stop sending her candy too, she’s not interested.
who worship the creature rather than the Creator; who are responsible for all the moral decline in America and the world community.
who are responsible for your waking up every day in a cold sweat at the knowledge that you’re still on evil, evil earth. Be sure to put on your aluminium beanie to ward off their insidious mind rays as well.
Then bring to remembrance anything you've heard atheists say against God. (Or if you are an atheist, you know your own sentiments and thoughts).
OK, who wrote the latter sentence and how did you sneak it on to this website?
Now, if you try,
you can fly through the sky. Up so high, my oh my, don’t say why, just comply!
you will find that it is impossible to imagine satan expressing sentiments about God different than what atheists express.
Chances are, you haven’t got as much experience at imagining satan as the author does. No one has. Satan romps through the blank, paranoid landscape of his mind like a Teletubby through a field of lollipops.
Satan certainly is not going to speak positively about God,
Does God speak positively about him? If not, why should Satan play the doormat?
and neither are atheists. So, what both think and verbalize is in complete harmony with one another.
This is a case of someone who looked long into an abyss and the abyss said, “Listen, idiot, I’d die of boredom if I repaid the action, so could you please go plague someone else?”
Atheism is therefore a doctrine of demons, and in many, if not all cases, atheists are demon-possessed.
This explains the ravings we see today. The demons were never cast out of their host, and his name is Leegion, for they are many.
So it is quite possible that when you read the writings of atheists, or heard them speaking, all you heard was demons ranting against God.
And not only making sense, but worst of all, putting other demons into Christians before/during/after they deconvert, while god sat by impotently and let them. Perhaps he’s scared of demons, or atheists, or both.
Today we shall spend time in ward "man is manmade."
It must be the thrill of your life to play doctor; I suppose that being the patient gets boring after the first few decades.
You will correctly guess by the name of this ward
that men are somehow involved in sexual reproduction, that mysterious phenomenon which happens to the female body and which Lee at least has no firsthand experience with.
that there is something seriously spiritually awry with the patients in it. You will note that all of the patients appear to be educated, but they have the fatal disease of atheism.
What, you mean they’re “terminally ill”? And yet they can’t be put to death, even if there was such a thing as “terminal illness”? Quelle disappointment; I feel your pain… no wait, that’s just my lunch.
Now before we enter this ward, make sure you wear you rubber gloves, aprons, masks and glasses.
So the fundies can be naked except for their various rubber accessories? This would be verging on the pornographic, except that porn generally attracts people.
Now notice the pitiful condition of the eyes of every one of the patients. Notice the awful stench of the green and yellow pus running from their eyes.
If they were True Christians, they’d secrete red, white and blue, though not in such a way as to make people think they were French or anything weird like that.
The awful disease of atheism has done that to them. Do you see the awful condition of that patient over there? His name is PapaSam.
And next to him is his cousin, UncleTom.
Look at that patient besides him, his name is Peter. Oh Look there!
Oh Say can you see! By The dawn’s early light!
The two basic responsibilities every person of mankind
To determine whether you are a person of mankind, please examine yourself for certain disntinguishing characteristics. One : Lack of wings. If wings are present, you are a person of angelkind, and should behave accordingly.
have are to love God more than all else and to love mankind. Atheism accomplishes neither one of these responsibilities. It blasphemes against God and brings harm and death upon mankind.
From his tiny forgotten grave in the Pet Cematary, the rotting corpse of Lee rises to point a skeletal finger at the atheism which killed him. Next week, watch as the zombie returns… for righteous, religious revenge!
Atheists are not fit to be parents;
The author must be going down on his Torgo-like knees each night to ask god why He hasn’t struck all atheists with instant sterility.
they are not fit to be employed in any portion of any society;
They’re just too damn educated, not to mention ambitious and assertive, so they end up being the employers instead, thereby driving Lee into fits of foam-mouthed envy.
they are not fit to be any kind of leaders in any society,
Now, now, play nice with the other kiddies or Daddy will make you sit in the corner until you’re collecting Social Security.
nor are they fit to serve in any area of public trust. Atheism makes every person who embraces it unfit for any good work.
This explains the vast numbers of atheists in politics, science, education and the military. Cheer up, man, at least there won’t be too many atheists ahead of you in the unemployment line.
Atheists are not even fit to live. They have forfeited the right to life by virtue of being unfit for any good thing.
Well, any time you want to end my existence, you just look me up. Unless women scare you, especially women with swords. I know that’s a violent affront to every misogynistic lack of thought you’ve ever had, but there’s a reason it’s called a broadsword, you know.
All the problems in every facet of society the world over can be traced to atheism, or denial of God and disobedience to him.
Thank you! <buffs fingernails> I had no idea we has such a global impact. Atheism is to Lee what Catholicism is to Chick – a huge, omnipotent entity (much like god) from which he scurries like a roach, dropping the occasional pellet with a triumphant cry of “nyah!”
The rapid increase in crime the world over can be traced to the same. Atheism has nothing good to offer any society.
If this website had a scoreboard recording influence, it would read “Atheism : 1,000,000. God : Same number, but with a negative sign before it.”
Atheism is so heinous and does so much harm that there is desperate need for legislation against it… Every atheist should be regarded as high criminals
What, even if they’ve never inhaled?
by all governments who have no right to live on the earth.
Yes, if a government regards atheists as “high criminals”, that government really doesn’t have any right to, er, live. Thanks for making my job that much easier. And thank you for one of the most entertaining farces I’ve ever witnessed, the amateurishly acted
I’d explain how one determined one’s own gender, but I have a feeling that’s already been done here, with more or less indeterminate results. Perhaps the pernicious influence of atheism even changes Y to X, though in this case, there must have been several Y chromosomes per cell to alter.
Hi everyone. I am 7 years of age.
Hi, Little Girl! Just remember, the first step is to admit that you are powerless over the number 7.
I want to let you knoe what and atheist ears.
Right away you get the impression that Little Girl is actually Big Lunatic.
And atheist iis a person who uses his brain the wrung way..
I’d say that a fundamentalist of this caliber was a person who used his brain in the washed way, but I’m not convinced there was a brain to start with.
Atheist don't know trutht. no one can no truth if theu rejek it. atheists are fools.
If only Jesus was alive, he could mention that bit about hellfire. Oh wait, now I understand all the references to satan – it’s a form of product placement. Lee knows where he’s headed and is trying to court the favor of the Prince of Darkness.
They say it is no GOD. i afraid of atheists.
“because i not only wimp, i no faith in GOD to protect me from atheists. GOD a wimp too like me but not so big a liar.”
if my parents wood have been atheists, they probably wood have killed me when eye I was in my mama woomb.
Do you honestly think that someone who can’t even keep his/her misspellings straight can grasp the concept of mammalian reproduction? Either you’re a halfwit or you think everyone else is.
Atheist kill sic olld people. atheists are nasty. atheist put a lot bad thing on the computer.
I would have expected a Little Girl of such tender years to have been kept away from the “lot bad thing”, but no doubt her extensive research into the behavior of atheists took her to every pornographic site she could find.
atheists are dangerous. ppeople
I see Little Girl has discovered Mommy’s secret stash of happy pills. But don’t worry, folks, Oberst Lee soon returns to his true age and gender, although it must have been the thrill of his life to put on a ruffled pink pinafore and play the unforgettable part of “A Little Girl”.
When it comes to computer crimes, its never difficult to identify the people who commit them. ATHEISTS and other non believers!
w00t! We, the l33t of the world, have branched out to the Internet as well, and are the most brilliant and infamous hackers around. Really, to read this website, you’d think there was nothing atheists couldn’t do. ATHEISTS and other non believers ownz ur a$$! (Though it’s kind of well-worn by now, so you can have it back).
Signed by: Karl Marx, Rene Descartes, Nicolo Machiavelli, David Hume, Immanuel Kant, Ludwig Feuerbach, Charles Darwin, Sigmund Freud, Friedrich Nietzsche…
Don’t forget Anne Frank; now there’s a Little Girl you might want to emulate. And so much for the Ninth Commandment, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” But perhaps I’m being too harsh on Lee; maybe he actually did get these men’s signatures on his rant. After all, Satan must have let him leave their bed occasionally to pick up bagels and coffee, and perhaps that was when he found the time to learn
A LESSON FROM THE FOWL
You know a fundamentalist has broken through the bottom of the barrel when he’s reduced to learning from chickens. Most people learn from humans, and christians try to learn from a god, but Lee acknowledges a Gallus domesticus as his intellectual superior.
As you know, atheists and other non believers claim women are equal to men.
If you’re curious about this, bin Leeden, I suggest you go find a man and ask him.
However, when we turn to the Bible, we find that the Creator of all mankind says females are the weaker gender.
That’s why he implanted his son in Joseph, who must have felt as though he was passing the kidney stone of his life.
Heathen reasoning erroneously concludes that the principle of inequality of women is injustice to women. However it is not injustice, but great wisdom.
It’s the only way deluded small-dicked misogynists will be able to reproduce! Please, think of the deluded small-dicked misogynists.
To illustrate what I mean, let us all walk out into our aviary. You will notice that of every specie of birds we have here, the plumage of the male bird is more colorful and prettier than the female birds.
Hey, girlfriend, you want to take some of those colorful, pretty feathers to make a lovely boa for yourself? Or to decorate a nice hat?
One reason why the female's plumage is dull is because she must sit on her eggs. While she incubates them, she must be camouflaged from predators so she can successfully incubate her eggs.
Let me guess – a female penguin is… black? White? Invisible? Heck, considering that males keep the eggs warm, maybe there are no female penguins.
You should realize that since there is great wisdom in women being the weaker gender, they should take the place that God has given them. By women trying to be equal to men, they are doing great harm to themselves and society.
It must be frightening to live in a world which has collapsed about a thousand times over from the combined existences of women, unbelievers, scientists, non-christians and gay people.
Observe here another example of the worthlessness of atheism, how deceptive it is to all who embrace it, and how harmful it is to marriage and society.
Here endeth the Lesson from the Fowl. And remember, if you are a hot young chicken don’t mind settling for a duck that’s poultry, to say the least, please contact the author before he gets cramps in his hen. Don’t eggravate him or play goosing games, but be sure not to pullet too hard or he’ll be shit out of cluck.
Why would I, who once was an hard core atheist, turn from atheism to CHRISTIANITY - the very thing I once hated with a passion?
I’ll tell you why – when you stepped out of the big hospital with the padded walls, a red birdie flew overhead and it was September.
Although 99.9% of people who profess to be Christians are none other than nominal professors and are therefore none other than hypocrites, somehow I am able to see beyond that fact.
Yes, by opening the third eye that connects directly to your genetically embiggened brain (now the size of a whole pea), you must be able to see beyond any and all facts. Aren’t you the man! And so modest, too. Why, precious webspace that could have been used for even more child-impersonations and atheist-bashing are generously allocated to other authors just as deluded, and one of them produced the frothing invective
Although homosexuality is at least as heinous as the crime of murder, it can be and is often more heinous than murder.
At least no one has an orgasm when they commit murder. Well, OK, Karla Faye Tucker supposedly did, but she became a christian, so Jesus’s saving blood covered little piddling sins like that.
When a person commits the crime of murder, he may not murder but one person and may never commit the crime again. Or even if he murders 10 or a 100 people, at some point his murders stop.
At what point did God’s murders stop? Probably when atheism and demons frightened him into hiding; do you think you might be able to coax him out, perhaps by dangling another Israelite virgin before him?
But homosexuals often remain such their entire lives and they may commit the act hundreds of time.
I get the impression that the author of this dreck hasn’t committed “the act” even once and can only stare in gape-mouthed envy at those people who are having more sex than he has bibles. As for what “the act” is, specifically, we’ll never know. This maidenly coyness is regrettable, but perhaps the author was afraid that actually spelling it out might arouse him to the point where the sin of Onan was a possibility.
Homosexuals often like to have some kind of contact and influence on children…
Gosh, maybe that’s why Lee was pretending to be a Little Girl; he knows that no person, gay or straight, would want anything to do with him if they knew who he really was.
Many of them are pedophiles and want to recruit or teach children to accept homosexuality.
Jeez, this guy can’t even keep his terms straight (not that he comes off that way, either).
And since homosexuality is at least equal to murder, this is equivalent to teaching children to become murderers.
Let me guess… when that five-year-old dressed as Wonder Woman came to your house saying, “Twick or tweat”, you drop-kicked her to the ground and yelled, “You won’t be killing anyone on my watch, murderous pedophilic homosexual brat!”
HATRED FOR HOMOSEXUALITY IS RIGHT AND GOOD!
“I NEVER GOT PAST THE CAPITAL LETTERS IN MY ALPHABET BOOK.”
If you are repulsed or nauseated by gay males and females and their unnatural and nasty sexual acts, your repulsion is normal and right in the sight of God.
Is your nausea normal too? God wuvs vomit? Heaven’s going to be boring, with nothing at all to repulse you, infuriate you or terrify you to the point of sphincter malfunction.
If you are repulsed against homosexuality, you are not so because of ignorance and deception or insanity.
Indeed not; it would be an insult to ignorant, deceived or insane people to include a homophobe in their number. You are repulsed because you need to hate someone, and Lee said to you, “Hey, get away from the atheists! Back off, jerk! They’re mine, see?”
But you are so because the act is truly evil.
There’s that mysterious “act” again. The author must be a lot more familiar with what gay people do than I am, so I wish he’d give me a hint here. Something like, “My version of The Act involved a large bottle of Jergens Hand Lotion and six hard-boiled eggs. Without the shells, of course.”
The feelings, thoughts, imaginations and indecent desires you have that are opposite to your physical gender and proper role may also indicate that you are possessed by one or more demons.
How do you know when it’s more than one demon? When you attract more than one fundamentalist.
At some point in the past, one or more demons entered into you and began to inhabit your physical self.
First they called the telephone company and had lines installed, then their furniture arrived in a big moving van, and finally they repainted the walls a lovely shade of seafoam green.
If you turn to science or to the field of psychiatry or to the so-called experts of the world, they will deceive you and make you feel you are normal…
“If you feel normal, I’ll feel worse! You must feel like the scum of the earth in order for my self-esteem to hover anywhere above absolute zero!”
There is no one who can help you except God Himself.
And god helps those who help themselves, so I’m not sure where that leaves anyone. Just keep on being gay or straight or whatever you are; that at least gives this poor fundy a raison d’etre as he makes heroic attempts to out-Phelps Phelps. Of course, if god’s helping efforts fail, he would prefer to have you dead, and he presents this psychopathic paradise in the article
…the way to control the population growth is through the increase of the human mortality rate by legitimate means… through the automatic DEATH PENALTY for the broad spectrum of deeds that are high crimes in the sight of the true GOD.
So much for all the bullshit about “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. Jesus is lucky there weren’t people like this in ye olde Judaea; they’d have stoned him to death for wussiness before his ministry had even started.
Some of the high crimes which God requires the human society to vigorously enforce the death penalty upon are
Wait, you mean this god of yours is either so feeble or so frightened that he can’t even kill people any more? Like a mafia don in his declining years, he has to rely on his henchmen to carry out his eliminations for him?
This website even makes its god look ludicrous. Kudos for the effort, guys.
blasphemy against the true God; idolatry; breaking the Lord's day; dishonor to parents; murder; adultery; incest; homosexuality; bestiality; rape; kidnapping; seeking to destroy the righteous; putting to death the innocent… seeking to overthrow God's appointed authority, etc.
“Etc”? This must cover crimes like public expectoration, reading anything other than the bible, and dressing in red. It must be frustrating, wanting to commit mass murder so badly and yet not having any legal excuse to do so. I wonder what happens to creatures like this in heaven : are they allowed to kill angels who misbehave, or do they have to work off their sadistic urges by descending to hell for a spot of torture every now and then?
Once they finished the entire population of heaven, of course, only god would be left. You have my sympathy, god – can you resurrect yourself after they’ve finished with you, or will you be too scared of them to try?
In order for the world community of humans to actually put this decorous principle into practice, it must adopt the MORAL LAW OF GOD - THE TEN COMMANDMENTS as the supreme laws of the World community.
You obviously live on an alternative earth with a One World Government, so just keep saying to yourself, “Ein Volk, ein Gott, ein Fuhrer!” Certainly this global government must be better than the corrupt American one, which comes under fire in the article (by Lee, couldn’t he get anyone else?)
And I know what you did last summer, too. Geez, they couldn’t even spell the poor man’s name correctly.
Hi, I'm satan, the author of the american constitution and its amendments.
Hi, satan. I take it you’ve possessed the author of the article, (well, of course, he mentions Satan like a social climber dropping the Onassis name) thereby making it possible for him to write sentences for the first time in his life. Please obtain the services of another demon to show him the mysteries of Capital Letters.
It was early April 1968 when foolish Martin Luther King Junior
Jesus, fools, hellfire, etc. Then again, I’m not sure this guy even believes in Jesus, considering that atheists get about a hundred times as much attention as he does.
was killed as a leading spokesman for so-called "civil rights" for heathen blacks.
I get the impression that good Christian blacks would have been active in the cotton industry, instead of wasting people’s time with marches and processions and nonsense like that.
Since Martin Luther King and those associated with him didn't possess the moral ability to make a distinction between the true God-given rights every Moral Law abiding citizen should have, and those evil so-called "rights" no person of mankind should be given the license to perform, which I have the demonic power to guarantee,
Insert a Vincent Priceish “Bwa-ha-ha-ha” here, or a “Haw Haw” if you prefer Jack Chick. The author of these articles doesn’t seem to laugh at all. Perhaps he just hasn’t had anyone executed yet.
I made King and all those involved in the so-called "civil rights" struggle demand the full spectrum of so-called "rights" for blacks of whatever nature I "guarantee," and of whatever nature heathen whites were already enjoying and would enjoy under my dictates.
Man, that was the longest sentence I’ve ever seen, and possibly the silliest. If “Satan” can “guarantee” the “rights” that make “life” worth “living”, what can god guarantee besides his old standby of eternal life (which I’d rather not spend with these lunatics, anyway)?.
Ha, I caused foolish King to put his life on the line for immoral and evil so-called "rights" legalized by a satanic constitution that I diabolically designed.
Oooh, you wascally wabbit. I mean devil. Your melodramatic writing style seems to have influenced your follower(s) to go and do thou likewise, and we finally hear your version of maniacal laughter, although “Ha” isn’t very… how shall I put this?…. inspiring. Consider a change to something that would frighten a very small child, or the Lee version of god. Ultimately, there wasn’t much Ten Commandments in this smelly little mess. More like Many Diatribes, Much Paranoia and Extreme Nastiness; I’d say this fish was filleted, except it never had a spine to start with. This masterpiece of madness was a fitting milestone for the Nutwatch, especially considering how many of its own much-vaunted commandments it broke or wished to break. But then again, the Society Against Thought And Normality doesn’t seem to care what the bible says any more than I do; this website is a circle-jerk, and yet no one seems to be having a good time. Perhaps that’s because it’s all jerk, and no circle.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords