Hello everyone, and welcome to the Weekly Nutwatch, where another shake of the fundy tree has resulted in a new nut! This week’s column is dedicated to birthday girl Monkeybot, and the Nut featured today is evangelist Minor Hawk, who employs every rhetorical device he can think of in a frantic attempt to convince those not like him that Yes, There Is An Eternity and Yes, You Will Burn For That Long. See Minor; see Minor run; run, Minor, run, because this week’s Nutwatch takes on
Like most of his ilk, Minor Hawk is fond of atheists and agnostics, but his deepest love is reserved for anyone whom he considers is better educated than he is. His message, after all, isn’t reserved for the intellectuals in their ivory towers, as he proves in the article
Now let's just take a brief look at the spiritual "quacks" and see the type of spiritual prescriptions they are dispensing to their terminally sin-sick patients.
First of all, we'll scan the philosophy and activity of "Dr. Atheist".
Right away you get the impression that this wasn’t a NIH-funded study or anything.
Dr. Atheist doesn't believe in the Genesis account of creation, nor the great flood of Noah's day, nor anything else found in the scriptures, even though subsequent history has proven these facts to be so
and even though Minor doesn’t have references for any of this. Dr. Atheist must be one of those mean people who won’t take a two-party out-of-state starter check either.
and even though every new discovery of science is a further revelation of God.
Each pathogenic bacterium and virus discovered is further proof that a god exists, and that he wants us all to die.
And I feel sorry for the patients of Dr. Atheist
who are evil enough not to even consider the pain of Minor as they go about their lives.
because in all liklihood they'll go on in their spiritual blindness, and ignorance of the truth, until they pass out of time into eternity,
via a TARDIS.
there to meet… the One Who will judge the poor, lost sinners who would rather believe Dr. Atheist than to believe a loving God and Creator.
Also known as “Dr. Jekyll”. Hey, now I know what the “H” in J. H. C. stands for.
Well, there is one thing certain -- there are no atheists in Hell -- because they changed their minds 5 seconds after they died !
Well that leads us to another spiritual "quack" called "Dr. No Hell".
As opposed to his godly counterpart, “Dr. Yes Hell”. Remember, without the terror of eternal torment, there can be no fundamentalism. Let’s hear it for unending torture.
He's got all the answers, and do you know where he got them? -- from his microscopic brain which yields his infinitesimal understanding of God-given truth.
This is a case of the charcoal presuming to speak to the pot, the kettle and any other crockery in the vicinity.
He tells all his patients that a loving God would never cast a creature of His into a "Lake of Fire".
A loving God would keep dipping them in and pulling them out instead.
Friend,
Phoebe?
Dr. No Hell preaches from an unusual Bible -- it's much thinner than mine because he has torn out all the pages which tell about the wrath of God.
I hope he mailed them to Minor afterwards, considering how much Minor appears to enjoy them. The wrath of God, by the way, seems to fall heaviest on those people who are educated in a seminary, since all their high-falutin’ book-learnin’ doesn’t stand up to the simple truth that Minor knows.
Yes, even though they may have spent many years in a so-called "theological seminary", and may have the initials "D.D." after their names, for "Doctor of Divinity", yet those initials will mean "Doomed and Damned"...
Or Dungeons and Dragons. Same thing, right? Of course, the Good News of salvation for the few (and Infernal Combustion for the many) is one of those messages that has to be repeated many, many times, but Minor Hawk is certainly up to that task. He tackles atheism again – though this time it’s a road, not a doctor – in the stirring sermon
In Revelation chapter 21 Heaven is described as having a street of gold, 12 foundations of precious stones,
and 12 foundations of cubic zirconias.
12 gates of pearl, and a wall of jasper.
Just one wall? Do people pray to it, or is it part of some heavenly obstacle course for angels?
Friend,
Ross?
are you wise, or are you foolish?
The fundamentalist version of “a/s/l”.
First of all, if you are someone who doesn't believe in God then you are on "ATHEISTIC ALLEY," or perhaps you don't believe that mere man can have a personal knowledge of God, in which case you are on "AGNOSTIC AVENUE."
Hey, as long as neither of them take me to “CHICK COURT”, “PHELPS PIT” or even “MINOR MANOR”.
I'll not dignify such diabolical positions by elaboration but… there are no atheists or agnostics in Hell. They all changed their minds 10 seconds after they died!
Make up your mind, Hawkman – five seconds or ten seconds? Maybe the next sermon will bump up the response time to fifteen or even twenty seconds. We can only wonder why he ascribes the speed of his own thought processes to ours.
It would be wonderful if some of you religiously lost clergymen reading this message would humble yourselves before God
Just some, though. A loving God doesn’t need too many religiously lost clergymen in heaven.
and REALLY trust Jesus Christ as your Saviour and Lord of your life.
There is no god but Jesus, and Minor (pbuh) is His prophet!
Still another road, that is distinguished to say the least, is "MODERN THOUGHT BOULEVARD." Many of the so-called "intelligencia" tread this path... They are too proud to accept "Thus saith the Lord";
Or even “Thus saith the Lord through men who contradicteth each other, yea, verily, and as the plate passeth around, giveth all you have”.
but instead they bow down before the gods of science, philosophy, modern thought and all the various man-made theories that are turning people away from God.
So, may I take it that Mr. Hawk is on Atheistic Alley when it comes to the “gods of science, philosophy, modern thought”? Would that make him… an atheist?
These people take delight in refuting Biblical truths such as creationism
Rather than being ashamed of their ability to do it so well.
and they propagate the Devil-inspired theory that we "came from monkeys."
The theory of evolution : made by a man, but inspired by a Devil (and mangled by a nitwit).
Many also advocate abortions and same-sex marriages, etc..(I'll not waste any more time on such unsubstantiated nonsense and blasphemy that must bring a stench to the nostrils of a loving Creator, God.)
God : Pe-yew! Two gay men just got married, and it’s stinky! I want to smell roasted animals!
Friend,
Chandler?
I plead with you, in love for your soul
Whew, at least my body’s safe.
and in view of eternity, to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ as your own and personal Saviour. If you do, according to God, Who cannot lie, you'll be sure of being in the "city of God," the place called Heaven for all eternity. AND REMEMBER, MY FRIEND, THIS IS FOR ETERNITY!
Each sermon ends with a similar paragraph and the shouted reminder at the end, because volume and repetition have to succeed where quality and consistency fail. And speaking of repetition, how can Minor insult people? Let me count the ways. One of them highlights the common fundamentalist belief that “fool” is the absolute worst insult that can be issued to a nonsheep; of course, since the fundies are saved, forgiven, washed, dried, ironed and folded, it’s quite all right for them to use the f-word over and over again. This they do with all the glee of little children who have just learned to swear, and Minor Hawk leads the brat pack with the article
First of all, we have the "Fearless Fool." He has absolutely no reverential fear of God, the One in Whose hand is his every breath and heart beat.
The “Fearless Fool” is obviously in “Atheistic Alley”. Man, you could make a whole Monopoly game out of this.
He can take God's name in vain with no concern about the consequences of doing so.
Well, naturally. Once you’re assured of God’s biggest stick (hell), why should anyone be afraid of anything else? What’s God going to do? Send you to hell some more?
He is one who, when warned of coming judgment, continues on in defiance and disobedience to the word of Almighty God.
And to the word of Minor Hawk, representative of Almighty God. The wooden dummy to the ventriloquist, or so he might have us believe.
Another type of fool is the "Self-Reasoning Fool."… He may deny the virgin birth, the deity of Christ, the miracles of Christ, the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, and the existence of a Heaven to gain and a Hell to shun.
He may? Well, I’m sure he’s gratified to have that permission. Be sure to mention this to God, though; legal loopholes have a way of biting you in the butt later.
Now I'm not trying to antagonize anyone whose life has been taken up with acquiring an education because I did the same thing before I was saved…
Does anyone else get the impression that salvation and education don’t exactly fit together in Minorworld?
The "Educated Fool" is usually characterized by his unbelief in the Genesis account of creation. He'd rather believe that "we came from monkeys,"
It must be so hard to spell “Homo erectus”. Or maybe Minor’s just afraid that once he writes the “Homo” part, he will be forever damned to gayness (and let’s not start with "erectus" ).
although he can't explain why we no longer "evolve from monkeys."
Some of “us” seem content to stay that way. Here, have a banana.
He enjoys disseminating the diabolical doctrines of humanism...
He delights in devilish disciplines such as applying abundancies of alliteration.
He believes in bowing down to the gods of science, technology and philosophy.
Then sacrificing a cloned sheep on their infernal altars!
There are many outrageous theories being propagated by the "Educated Fool" in our schools and colleges today, and I believe that it is past time that Christian parents do more to stop the foolishness which infects the mind, body and soul of our children.
I think that fundamentalists talking about children’s bodies is not a good thing – especially not for the children.
Teach them that we are all "born in sin and shapened in iniquity." Teach them that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Teach them that "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord," etc.
Teach them to be ashamed, terrified and guilty. How else to control the little bastards?
Friends,
fundies, countrymen, lend him your brains.
It's a shameful fact to report, but in some of our institutions of higher learning today, many of which were founded by Godly individuals, the revelation of God has been dethroned, and the faulty reasoning of fallen man has been exalted to the place that rightfully belongs only to God.
Is your god losing his place a lot? Is your god forgetting things? These are early warning signs of a neurological disorder; please take your god to the nearest medical facility.
Friend, I plead with you today, in love for your soul, not to be foolish, but to be wise.... And REMEMBER, MY FRIEND, THIS IS FOR ETERNITY !
And if you have Mr. Hawk preaching at you, it will seem thrice as long, though to be fair, I must admit that he does come up with the most delightful theories of his own, as we see in the sermon
I thank God that we were "fools for Christ's sake!" Tell me friend, whose fool are you?
This guy’s just fool of it. He has the most unusual theories about the God whose “infinite reasoning” is supposed to be incomprehensible to those on this “intellectual plane”, too.
One of the main reasons why God lets the Christian live, after they have been saved, is so that we can tell others how they can be saved, too.
Sort of like a virus with a long incubation period?
Otherwise, God could have taken us home to Heaven the moment we accepted His Son as our Saviour and Lord.
In other words, if not for that reason, you would accept Jesus and drop down dead. Yes, I can see how this might be a little off-putting to the uninitiated.
Let's be honest now; you can fool me,
Not hard to believe.
and I can fool you,
Let’s not get carried away with delusions of grandeur. Or even adequacy.
but we can't fool God!
Go read “The Little Engine who Could” and remember : never give up trying and never say “can’t”. By the way, I once had a student from China who really wouldn’t say the word “can’t”, because she had heard that it was a very bad word referring to a woman’s anatomy. Anyway, let me get back to the Rantings in C Minor; like all fundies, our intrepid evangelist has a deep interest in the end times, wherein he will finally be vindicated, and we start with the sermon
Although the "RAPTURE" is both "signless and timeless," nevertheless, if the signs we read about in such portions of the word of God as Matthew Chapter 24 refer to the "REVELATION" of Christ, and we see some of these signs being evidenced today, then how much nearer the "RAPTURE" must be.
Translation : Even though the bible says <insert capitalized word> can’t be predicted, that’s too vague, so according to the <insert capitalized word> there really will be indications of <insert capitalized word>. This is great, because I need some strand of hope to cling to. Praise <insert capitalized word> for the <insert capitalized word>!
PERHAPS TODAY! If not TODAY then PERHAPS TONIGHT!
If not tonight, then perhaps tomorrow morning! Wow, we could play this game forever, if we were very young children. But the crème de la crap is Minor’s detailed fantasy of the Rapture, laid out in the sermon
…the President of the United States is about to make a special report of grave importance... thousands of people have disappeared throughout the world during the past hour.
I see George W. Bush isn’t considered to be a True Christian. In fact, not many people seem to be.
Some believe that aliens in their U.F.O.'s have kidnapped people in all parts of the world.
But fundies know that the alien was Jesus, the Man Who Fell To Earth, and now he’s taking his human friends back to his homeworld.
…even mothers nursing their babies will be startled when that baby disappears before her eyes…
The baby reappears in heaven, now presumably attached to God’s nipple. He must look like one of those multi-breasted fertility goddesses, to provide for all those babies. Though I don’t even know why He bothers, since according to Mr. Hawk, babies are all bad to the bone, evil from the moment of birth. As long as it’s in the womb, it’s perfect; once it exits, Mr. Hawk declares open season on it in the sermon
We've often seen babies crying in their cribs, or play pens, and the parents hastily respond to their cries, thinking the child may be hungry, in pain, or require a "change". But as soon as the child is picked up, the crying stops when the hugging or coddling begins. Yes, even a baby can have a deceitful heart, but we love them just the same.
And how noble of you, sir, to love an infant despite the loathsome heart that beats within it. I’m sure that once toddlers comprehend their utterly evil and depraved natures, they must be all the more grateful for Mr. Hawk’s magnanimity. All this indoctrination, of course, is done in a spirit of deep selflessness.
…After death comes judgment! For those of us who are saved, we will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ and be judged on the basis of our life since being saved…. The judgment will determine our rewards, or lack of rewards.
I wonder if Mr. Hawk would continue in his mission of mercy if he believed that he was getting nothing for it? In conclusion, this Minor lives up to every meaning of the term, and his constant repetitions of “friend, friend” are spectacularly unconvincing. Making the large assumption that he’s correct, I do hope he doesn’t plan to pull the same trick on Jesus, who (according to Matthew 7:21) doesn’t seem to like broken-records which say “lord, lord”. If this is the Voice of the Gospel, I’ll take a moment of silence, please – and make it last FOR ETERNITY.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords