HELLO EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO…
excuse me, people. That’s all the capslock I can handle, though today’s subject seems to believe it the best vehicle for spreading the news of the impending rapture. That, and a collection of paintings that seem to have been inspired by the most adulterated marijuana on the market. It’s battles, brides and burlesques all the way, because this week’s Nutwatch Cross-examines
It’s not often that the title of a website strains to be kewl and/or l33tspeak (and fails miserably).
WELCOME TO MATTHEW (THAT'S ME) AND STEPHANIE'S (THAT'S MY WIFE) CHRISTIAN WITNESS SITE.
No children? Has the Lord not blessed you? What sins have you committed against His holy name? Repent!
IT WON'T BE LONG UNTIL JESUS COMES BACK TO GET HIS BRIDE…
Jesus is having the longest bachelor party in the history of the world. But then again, what can you expect from this guy :
He looks like Genghis Khan’s love child by Hammurabi, and from his rigid posture on the chair, I keep expecting to see someone shaving his head and applying a saline-soaked sponge.
JESUS COMES TO TAKE US HOME
It’s called Shady Pines, and they serve a particularly smooth kind of mashed peas.
AND THOSE WHO REMAIN HERE WILL GO THROUGH SEVEN YEARS OF WHAT THE BIBLE CALLS THE TRIBULATION.
But which everyone else calls the jubilation, for some strange reason.
A TIME THAT NO PERSON WANTS TO BE IN , BELIEVE ME.
Let alone believing the author, if he stated one and one were two, I would reach for a calculator.
ONCE WE GET TO HEAVEN AND REJOICE WITH LOVED ONES AND FRIENDS AND EVEN CRY OVER THOSE WHO AREN'T THERE ,
So much for there being no unhappiness in heaven, unless these are tears of joy, which is admittedly possible. After all, no one’s contradicting the fundies any longer, which is a reason for great rejoicing.
WE WILL STAND AT WHAT THE BIBLE CALLS THE JUDGEMENT SEAT OF CHRIST . THIS IS A JUDGMENT TO DECIDE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AS A CHRISTIAN ,
If what you did is already done and over with, what’s there to decide? Unless they mean that only certain deeds are worthy of mention before the Seat of Christ.
NOT FOR WHETHER YOU ARE GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL. AFTER ALL , YOU'RE ALREADY IN HEAVEN.
Just in case the presence of Jesus Khan didn’t give you a hint. Still, you’re in heaven, so smile and look happy, because it’s good that you’re being judged, it’s very good.
THIS JUDGMENT WILL DECIDE WHAT REWARDS AND CROWNS YOU SHALL RECEIVE FOR THE WORKS YOU HAVE DONE WHILE YOU WERE A CHRISTIAN.
Jesus must be tossing crowns out like Frisbees, while the True Christians jump like retrievers to grab them. What an inspiring image. Perhaps the fundamentalists who receive more than one crown can grow extra heads in order to display them properly?
AT THE JUDGMENT SEAT OF CHRIST YOUR WORKS WILL BE TRIED BY FIRE. THE FIRE SHALL CONSUME YOUR BAD WORKS (WOOD, HAY AND STUBBLE)
Hay, wood you not be so radical about the stubble? I hear Gillette works wonders in that capacity.
AND LEAVE YOUR GOOD WORKS (GOLD, SILVER AND PRECIOUS STONES) UNTOUCHED.
I wonder what happens to your neutral works (platinum, iridium, semi-precious stones, oil, uranium, other natural resources)? Oh wait, I forgot – this is a fundamentalist fantasy, where everything is either good (and stalkerishly followed), or evil (and screamed at).
THE BIBLE DESCRIBES DIFFERENT CROWNS
We’re never told where exactly this treatise on jewellery can be found. Still, I assume that the diamond-encrusted regalia will be reserved for the more fervent fundamentalists, while their less enthusiastic brethren will receive colorful paper wraparounds, like the kind Burger King hands out for the kiddies. Everyone has to wear headgear of some sort in heaven.
AND WHAT YOU CAN DO TO RECEIVE THESE CROWNS. FOR EXAMPLE , ONE OF THE CROWNS CAN BE OBTAINED JUST BY WITNESSING.
Since the quality of the witnessing isn’t taken into account, Matthew’s and Stephanie’s His-n-Hers crowns must be waiting for them already.
CROWNS ARE IMPORTANT BECAUSE THESE ARE THE CROWNS WE SHALL THROW BACK AT JESUS' FEET.
But what if you hit the nail marks? Wouldn’t that make grown-up Jesus cry? This is like that carnival game where you have to throw a ring over something in order to win the prize; maybe the person who accurately pegs Jesus with a crown gets a teddy bear.
IT WOULD BE A SHAME NOT TO HAVE A CROWN TO THROW.
Perhaps, in lieu of a crown to throw, you could have some cookies to toss?
WE SHOULD ALL BE STRIVING FOR THE CROWNS AND REWARDS.
Yes, we’ve all moved beyond that ridiculous notion of “virtue is its own reward”. Instead, we have the following scenario :
Impressed (and possibly aroused) by the fundamentalist flasher, Jesus offers the man His hand in holy matrimony.
ONCE WE HAVE ALL STOOD AT THIS JUDGMENT THEN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL EPISODES THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT. . . . . . . . THE MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB.
Whom is the lamb marrying? Ewe, yes, ewe! Even better, this relationsheep wool be the precursor to a bleatzkrieging ram-page of divine proportions against all the baaad people, who mutton’t be allowed to escape.
THIS IS WHEN WE , THE BRIDE , SHALL MARRY JESUS CHRIST.
Literally a marriage made in heaven and probably consummated in hell, judging by the fact that so many True Christians will, like Jesus Christ, be of the male persuasion.
THERE SHALL BE A GRAND AND GLORIOUS WEDDING IN HEAVEN FOLLOWED BY A WONDERFUL RECEPTION.
Followed by an romantic honeymoon with lots of stains on the sheets. I hear the bridegroom bleeds almost as enthusiastically as the bride does.
WHILE ALL THIS IS GOING ON UP IN HEAVEN , THE TRIBULATION IS GOING ON DOWN ON EARTH.
In other words, providing the entertainment during the festivites? What better time to stage the divine wedding than when people are supposedly dying left and right?
AFTER THE JUDGMENT SEAT OF CHRIST AND BEFORE THE MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB , JESUS GOES BACK TO EARTH ON A WHITE CLOUD
of pot smoke.
AND GETS ALL THOSE WHO WERE SAVED DURING THE TRIBULATION…
Does anyone else get the impression that Jesus wants to marry as many people as possible? Perhaps an eternity in heaven will be unbearable without a studly savior to snuggle up to.
ONCE THE WEDDING OF ALL WEDDINGS AND THE RECEPTION OF ALL RECEPTIONS
No reference to the precious moment when the conglomerate entity called the bride finally becomes a fulfilled woman? No reference to the triumphant bliss of Jesus as He takes what she has saved for Him alone? I don’t see how people can gleefully describe bloodbath battles and yet be coy about the all-important matter of marital consummation.
IS OVER THEN IT IS TIME TO RETURN TO EARTH WITH JESUS TO FIGHT IN THE BATTLE OF ALL BATTLES. . . . .
Be sure to describe it, so I can dissect it in the Nutwatch of all Nutwatches
THE BATTLE OF ARMAGEDDON. WE SHALL REHEARSE FOR THIS BATTLE BEFORE WE LEAVE HEAVEN
Aww, how sweet. God is omnipotent, so he should be able to click his heels together three times, say ‘There’s no place like hell’ and win the battle, but he makes you feel important by letting you rehearse. Hopefully there’s plenty of fake blood on hand.
THE BIBLE SAYS. WE SHALL ALL MOUNT UPON HORSES , SPIRITUAL HORSES BECAUSE THEY ARE ABLE TO FLY ,
Along with a large contingent of pigs.
AND FOLLOW JESUS OUT OF HEAVEN THROUGH SPACE…
the final frontier. Or perhaps this is Fantastic Voyage, and they just entered the author’s skull.
ONCE WE REACH EARTH WE WILL LAND UPON MT. SINAI AND TRAVEL UP THE KINGS HIGHWAY , WHICH IS WHAT THE BIBLE CALLS IT AND IT ALSO REALLY EXISTS TODAY ,
Wouldn’t it be simpler to fly your My Little Ponies through space to whatever your destination was, rather than trotting up the highway? Perhaps you’re uncertain whether that also really truly exists today.
TO THE VALLEY OF MEGIDDON WHERE WE SHALL FIGHT AGAINST THE ANTICHRIST AND HIS TROOPS. THIS IS THE MOST TALKED ABOUT EVENT IN THE ENTIRE BIBLE.
Because it’s crazier than the crucifiction and more fun than the Fall. We are not told where in the Bible the many talks about this battle occur, but surely the violent climax to Jesus’s honeymoon would have been discussed over many a meal of loaves and fishes in ye olde Judaea.
THE BIBLE DESCRIBES IT AS A GARDEN OF EDEN IN FRONT OF US AND A DESOLATE WILDERNESS BEHIND US.
We must have eaten some killer beans at the wedding feast.
ONCE THE BATTLE IS OVER WE SHALL GO INTO JERUSALEM THROUGH THE EASTERN GATE WHERE JESUS SHALL DISMOUNT HIS HORSE ON THE MOUNT OF OLIVES , WHICH SHALL SPLIT IN TWO ,
I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a Freudian reference or if Jesus and his spiritual horse are just that fat.
AND GO FORTH AND SIT DOWN ON THE THRONE OF DAVID. THUS ENDS THE BATTLE OF ARMAGEDDON.
No plunder? No looting or spoils or virgin girls? I’ll bet the bride’s father-in-law is sitting up in heaven grumbling, “In my day we did this kind of thing properly…”
THUS BEGINS WHAT PEOPLE REFER TO AS THE MILLENNIAL REIGN… .DURING THIS TIME JESUS SHALL PUT THE EARTH BACK TO PERFECT CONDITION AND THERE WILL BE REAL PEACE.
As opposed to that fake peace they sell at discount stores everywhere. Jesus might actually need more than a thousand years in order to put the earth back to a “perfect condition”, but luckily his borglike bride will be helping out, along with an entire stable of spiritual horses.
THE WOLF SHALL DWELL WITH THE LAMB
The lamb of god, or just a regular lamb which tastes delicious on rice with yogurt sauce?
AND THE LION SHALL LIE DOWN WITH THE CALF. WE SHALL ALSO REIGN WITH HIM DURING THIS HONEYMOON OF OURS.
That has to be the most romantic honeymoon ever : a thousand-year spree of telling a wolf, a lamb, a lion and a calf what to do.
SATAN IS CHAINED IN THE BOTTOMLESS PIT DURING THIS TIME AND WILL COME FORTH AT THE END
I thought the whole point of a bottomless pit was that it had no end. Also, instead of making earth perfect and reigning over the resultant zoo, couldn’t Jesus at least try to keep his arch-enemy chained for a little bit longer?
AND GATHER UP AN ARMY. ONE MORE BATTLE CALLED THE BATTLE OF GOG AND MAGOG … SHALL BE FOUGHT AND IS OVER IN NO TIME.
Wow, maybe Jesus and his bride had spiritual Panzers instead of spiritual horses that time.
AFTER THIS THOUSAND YEARS IS EXPIRED THE EARTH SHALL FLY AWAY
And the sun shall flitter along beside it so that the wolf, the lion, the lamb and the calf don’t all freeze to death. It’s a cosmic game of snooker.
AND THERE WILL BE A GREAT WHITE THRONE .
Captain Ahab’s been searching for this for a long time.
THE DEAD , SMALL AND GREAT , WILL STAND BEFORE GOD TO BE JUDGED.
God : You’re small! I like you. You don’t make me feel inadequate. But you’re great! To hell with you!
THE WHITE THRONE JUDGMENT IS WHERE THE DETERMINATION IS MADE OF WHETHER OR NOT A PERSON GOES TO THE LAKE OF FIRE OR HEAVEN.
Don’t be redundant. Then again, the author repeats himself often, presumably because the story is so fascinating that it only improves in the retelling.
THOSE WHO ARE LEFT BEHIND WILL GO THROUGH WHAT THE BIBLE CALLS THE GREAT TRIBULATION ,
Notice that the great tribulation is clearly differentiated from the ordinary everyday kind of tribulation.
WHERE GOD WILL POUR OUT HIS WRATH UPON THIS WORLD IN THE FORM OF NATURAL DISASTERS AND UNNATURAL DISASTERS. JUST THINK OF WHAT HE DID TO EGYPT IN THE TIME OF MOSES BUT ON A MUCH MORE GRANDER SCALE.
In other words, he’ll slaughter all the children, not just the first-born ones? Heck, grammar’s already been massacred.
THE BIBLE SAYS IT'S A TIME LIKE NEVER HAS BEEN OR EVER WILL BE AGAIN.
A most profound and original observation.
THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT FOUR HORSEMEN… THE LAST HORSE IS A PALE HORSE AND UPON THIS HOSRE COMES DEATH AND HELL.
That’s one big hosre, to carry death and hell. It must be another of the special breed of spiritual hosres, Equus ridiculus.
LITERALLY DEMONIC BEINGS FROM HELL SHALL COME TO TORTURE AND KILL A FOURTH PART OF THE EARTH.
And to have a cappuchino with the other three parts.
AFTER THE RAPTURE, A MAN WHOM THE BIBLE CALLS THE ANTICHRIST SHALL RULE THIS WORLD…. DURING THE FIRST 3 1/2 YEARS HE WILL RULE IN PEACE AND IS CALLED BY THE BIBLE THE 'MAN OF SIN'.
Yes, I can see why peace would indeed be sinful. Only Jesus is allowed to bring peace to the world, and that’s only after he brutally slaughters his enemies.
DURING THIS TIME THERE IS A WAR… AGAINST SATAN AND HIS ANGELS IN WHICH SATAN AND HIS ANGELS ARE CAST TO THE EARTH.
Where were they before then? Heaven? Mars? Mongo?
SATAN SHALL ENTER INTO AND RESURRECT THE MAN OF SIN'S DEAD BODY
Is there any superpower God has that Satan doesn’t have?
AND CLAIM TO BE CHRIST. TRULY, THE ANTICHRIST.
The Antichrist attempts to give the Vulcan salute, but doesn’t quite make it.
IF YOU END UP IN THE TRIBULATION THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS GET SAVED AND THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS NOT TAKE THIS MARK, NUMBER OR NAME.
Remember that version of the bible where the word “not” was accidentally omitted from the seventh commandment? Well, now we know where the missing word ended up, though what if the author causes millions to take the mark and burn in hell? No crown for you!
IUNFORTUNATELY, HOLDING OUT TILL THE END CAN MEAN DEATH BY STARVATION, BEING KILLED OR BEHEADED.
How amazingly accurate – being killed does indeed make one dead. I can hardly wait to hear more startling insights.
TOWARD THE END OF THIS TRIBULATION, ANOTHER RAPTURE WILL ACCURE.
Would this be a Nissan Accure?
THIS IS THE RAPTURE THAT IS MOST COMMONLY CONFUSED WITH THE RAPTURE THAT HAPPENS BEFORE THE TRIBULATION.
There are so many raptures that the honeymoon still seems in progress. Of course, with a thousand years to spend, Jesus would have enough time to smoke a cigarette and rest up a little before moving on to the next individual in his collective bride.
JESUS WILL COME TO GET THOSE WHO WERE SAVED DURING THIS TRIBULATION. HE WILL APPEAR ON A WHITE CLOUD
shaped like a mushroom.
AND THE WHOLE WORLD SHALL SEE HIM…
That’s one large Jesus. I can certainly see how He split the Mount of Olives; heck, it’s a miracle the entire earth didn’t crumble under the weight of His gigantic foot.
THIS IS A DAY OF VENGENCE FOR THE LORD… THE BLOOD FROM THIS BATTLE WILL COME UP TO A HORSES BRIDLE. THE BIBLE SAYS JESUS' VESTURE SHALL BE DIPPED IN BLOOD.
The god formerly known as the Prince of Peace now wishes to be called The Terminator.
Jesus rides his white hosre through a sea of blood, splashing it on his clothes like a small child in the wading pool. All hail the hemophilic Lamb; he’s grown up to be just like his old man.
THIS REIGN… WILL BE A REIGN OF PEACE AND HE SHALL RULE WITH A ROD OF IRON.
Hitting dissenters with a rod of iron would indeed result in a bloodsoaked reign of peace.
WHEN THIS THOUSAND YEARS HAS EXPIRED, THERE SHALL APPEAR A GREAT WHITE THRONE FROM WHOSE FACE THE EARTH AND HEAVEN FLY AWAY.
Peter Pan must have sprinkled fairy dust on them.
…BOTH THE SMALL AND GREAT WILL STAND HERE BEFORE GOD AND GET A CHANCE TO PLEAD THEIR CASE. HOWEVER, ANOTHER BOOK WILL BE OPEND ALSO; THE BOOK OF LIFE. THIS BOOK CONTAINS ALL THE NAMES OF EVERYONE EVER BORN.
In other words, life doesn’t begin at conception; it begins at birth instead? Thanks for clearing that up. I would have liked to explore the ramifications of this assertion, but unfortunately the forums of this worthy website were deserted, although one lonely soul posted to say,
I noticed there were no postings…
Quelle surprise.
God is Good all the time.
He gets a gold star for deportment then. Good God! Next week, we’ll work on keeping our eyes shut during Quiet Time.
…He is always more than eager to forgive me of my sins.
Then you should be similarly eager to commit them, in order to give him some reason for his enthusiastic pardons. This little coda was perfectly in line with the rest of Witless 4 Jesus in its vapidity, although it lacked the exuberance of the manic paintings and melodramatic narrative of the endtimes. Perhaps the authors can get one more crown for the bizarre originality of some of their claims, though if a god actually existed, that crown would be tall, pointed and labelled “DUNCE”.
Till next week, everyone!
QueenofSwords